AIBU to worry school topics are overwhelming my son?

[BeWittyZebra]

DH (42)and I (42) have 3 boys (11, 8, 6). Eldest started big school this year (independent) and has honestly thrived settled quickly, made friends, loves that it’s all boys, and has thrown himself into everything (hockey, cricket, science club, beekeeping, music, piano lessons etc).

He’s always been a bright, thoughtful kid and recently started philosophy and an environmental club at school. He’s absolutely loving both, which I would normally be really pleased about. I studied philosophy at uni myself so I do “get it”.

However over the last couple of weeks things have ramped up quite a bit. He’s suddenly decided eating meat is “evil” and that we are “killing animals because of our greed” (his exact words). To be clear, we are absolutely fine with him wanting to be vegetarian whether it’s a phase or not we will support him. We’ve adjusted our shopping and DH and I are cooking separate vegetarian meals for him, so it’s not about refusing to support that.

The issue is more the intensity of it all. Last week he refused to eat the dinner I’d made and had a snack instead because it didn’t contain meat. The next day the same thing happened, and when we sat down together, he refused to join in properly, sulked, and told us we were “evil” for eating meat.

Since then it’s become a bit of a theme, lots of quite intense statements about morality, the planet, humans being selfish etc. I seem to be getting daily moral debates/questions from him and it just feels quite heavy for an 11yo. I’m starting to wonder if he’s a bit overwhelmed by it all? Almost like he’s having a mini existential crisis.

On top of that, it’s not just food he’s now very anti-car and keeps going on about how bad ours is for the environment. He actually came to us with a list of cars we “should” be getting instead, which felt a bit… much for his age.

He’s also started asking quite challenging questions for example, if we’re happy to eat cows, why wouldn’t we eat our dog, what makes one animal different from another, why do we value some and not others etc. I can see where it’s coming from, but again it feels quite intense for his age.

I don’t want to shut him down or dismiss his views.

I’m also, if I’m honest, slightly irritated with the school I completely understand the value of philosophy and environmental awareness, but this is an 11yo and it feels like quite heavy stuff to be taking on so intensely. And we are paying the best part of £30k a year.

AIBU to think this is a bit much and needs reining in? Or should I just let him work through it and support the vegetarian angle properly? And would you speak to the school or leave it?

Would appreciate perspectives, especially if anyone’s had similar with this age group.

What makes you think this is coming from school rather than him?

my kids went through their eco phase at about 7 when their school had a green drive which I dealt with by suggesting they do eco stuff (stop buying toys, cycle everywhere not drive etc).

I’m slightly surprised you’ve made it to him being 11 without this happening - most primaries do it at some point.

i assume they do veggie stuff as well but my whole household is veggie so that one didn’t really land.

it’s very common for early teens to realise the full meaning of meat eating though (especially if it wasn’t made obvious when they were young) and go veggie. Not all of them stay veggie.

(I did myself at age 13)

He will get older and adjust. Time will work. Don't bander to him if not resonable.

Child with a conscience. You should be proud!

I’d be seeking medical or psych support sounds like he’s gone beyond a “normal” reaction.

You've sent him to get an education, and he's engaging with the school activities.

The car thing - he's not wrong. Just explain the carbon impact of switching before it is necessary - engage with him. But also maybe he'd like to look at alternative travel sometimes.

Re. eating meat being 'evil' - lots of vegans would say it's unethical, the word evil is very strong but a position on consuming meat is not that rare.

Teens can be heavy, and he's nearly that age. Obviously keep an eye on things but a bit of angst isn't unusual.

Does he still enjoy his usual activities?

Might be worth taking him to some positive talks or action groups on environmentalism so he can channel the concern.

I think this kind of black and white ethical thinking is quite common for a teen/almost teen, as is telling your parents they are wrong about absolutely everything. I don't think anything unusual is happening at school and nor do I think he's having a crisis.

I would engage with the challenging questions where you can - it's good that he's a deep thinker! But also be honest and say you're glad he's thinking about these things but you don't have the mental space for a debate right now. He also has to be polite about other people's food choices at the table, and can be told there are decisions he doesn't get a say in like the kind of car you drive. But if there are decisions that you can discuss as a family eg do we want to fly on holiday or can we find a train journey to Europe we'd enjoy, and his environmental concerns can be part of the discussion, he's going to feel listened to.

If you're really concerned though, just ask him in a calm moment whether he finds himself worrying about the environment too much? Eg does is keep him away at night or is he just trying to make actively environmental friendly choices where he can?

Why are you blaming the school?

As for the you’re evil for eating meat, I’d tell him to mind his manners. He doesn’t have to eat meat but he also doesn’t need to be rude to people who do.

Oh god, I did this in year 8, I went veggie, took leaflets into school that were anti meat. Made my mum and dad get me veggie food. Wouldn’t let them keep my food on the same shelf in the fridge. Got upset if they used the same utensils. Etc.

Ranted on about testing on animals and criticised all my mum and dad’s cleaning products based on what brand made them.

I lasted 3 years i think.

I was quite nice to my mum and dad still though 🤣. What I would do is use this as an opportunity to sit down with him and let him know you’re really proud that he has his own views but part of life is appreciating and respecting that other people have different views to you. Tell him he will never influence anyone positively with an attitude.

Remind him that the world isn’t perfect and we all need to do our best within what our beliefs are.

He sounds great. Well done to him for having his own thoughts. Did you expect that for £30k a year they would make you a nice generic boy who could get a job in the city? Isn't it better he's developing strong views and learning how to communicate them? Maybe he'll be a philosopher or an environmental scientist!

Pretty harsh thing to say about an 11 year old.

"He’s also started asking quite challenging questions for example, if we’re happy to eat cows, why wouldn’t we eat our dog, what makes one animal different from another, why do we value some and not others etc."

These are excellent questions and show he's intelligent and thinking for himself. Are you upset at the questions or at the fact you can't think of a good answer?

This - it sounds like he’s at that self righteous pontificating stage.
what does he think of the just stop oil idiots who can only hold their self righteous pontificating beliefs because of mummy and daddy’s wealth?

It’s actually quite a normal phase of the teenage years to be passionate about something. Whether that’s getting into rock music, vegetarianism, marrying Just Bieber etc etc

This is a good point, it’s a great question and it’s absolutely ok to tell the truth if the truth is that culturally the UK eat farm animals and we have befriended dogs and have a close bond with them.

As for the happy to eat a cow but not a dog type questions.... Just get him to find the answers to his own questions.

"excellent question George, do some research and find out why we do that, let us know what you find out!"

I am not fully blaming the school but there’s been lots of instances where he had mentioned his philosophy teacher by name …. Dr …. said this today and same with his environmental club teacher who is a science teacher. I know they do not mean any harm by it, I guess it’s all new to me. He never had this phase before and I recently made a passing comment just to DH about electric cars and our son chimes in and says ‘that is not backed up by science you should be really careful mum that is dangerous’ and then adds ‘we learnt at school about false information and making sure things are backed up by science’ So it’s safe to assume parts of it are from school. I’m not here believing in pseudoscience or false information and I do want my child to know when information is false etc but damn!

I think this is a really normal thing for kids to go through.

Well she he goes "that's not backed up by science".... Ask him to show his proofs of his own theories

Like you say "electric cars are better for environment"
He says "that's not backed up by science!*
You say "oh really? Show me your science that shows I'm wrong, I'm interested "

Hell soon pipe down no doubt.

I can't see what's wrong with his comment here - are you just struggling with him developing his own mind? What would your own parents have done if you'd contradicted them?

Well that would be a bit of a silly answer wouldn't it. How could Google help him there? He's asking why you personally see it differently. There's no "we" - he's a vegetarian.

@Getmeacoffeenow 's answer was better. Explain to him why you (and if you like, others in certain western countries) traditionally see eating dogs as different from eating cows. But don't be upset if he has a good counter-argument. I would be delighted if I met an 11yo who was asking genuinely challenging good questions. Better than just blindly copying others' views isn't it. Surely you don't spend an eyewatering amount of money on education just to make an adult who is incapable of independent thought?

I'd encourage him to pay more attention in his philosophy club so he can interrogate the dogma that's being served up in his environmental club.
Where is his ability to hear multiple arguments? To think critically? To use logic? His new opinions are lacking in nuance or understanding of human nature. I get it, he's a kid, but you can push back against it and help him develop these skills in conversations

Who is running the environment club? A teacher? What's their bias and agenda. Certainly talk to the school to make them aware that they're going overboard in this club

I think he’s of an age where he’s starting to question and challenge - rather than just assume everything adults tell him is fact. It’s a good thing, it just needs a bit of fine tuning in how he expresses his thoughts, which is to be expected at 11.

No he isn't. He's just being contrary. Push it back to him.

Hes just parroting