AIBU to feel so frustrated with my 16-year-old?

[Theghostofchristmasarse]

16 year old DD. Autistic with chronic pain/fatigue from hyper mobility. It's been years of hell since she turned about 11. We've had everything...eating disorder, believing she was a boy, lying, stealing, hiding things, self harm, violence towards me, smashing the house up, ebsa, selective mutism, eventually total school refusal and got an EHCP. Studies from home now, does barely 9 hours a week of online lessons. Refused any other courses or help. Refuses to accept help from the nhs. Won't take any of the help recommended, like physio. Doesn't clean up after herself, her room is disgusting, shite left all over the house. I'm a single parent, dad sees her 4 days a month..I work nearly full time as a teacher and often come home to her having not showered or done anything but make a mess all day. She's mostly foul to me, takes the piss out of me constantly.

On the other hand she can be lovely and I'm so proud of every tiny little accomplishment...even if that's a small thing like helping me make dinner.

I've had two years of battling to get her EHCP and get her some education she can actually engage with, we are slowly getting there. It got up the point where I nearly lost my job and all I do is support her around work and trying to keep afloat.

She gets DLA, but as she refuses to engage with any professionals, (won't even speak to a pharmacist to confirm her address without me speaking for her) I applied to be her appointee for pip as I cannot see her engaging with any of the process and I wanted to make it as easy as possible on her.

Had planned to get the forms and then give her the chance to fill them in herself as she's decided she's capable of this (she's not. Filing in the forms would probably set her back months, she'd have to literally tell them everything she can't do on a daily basis. I don't want her to have to do this, ideally I'd fill them in for her and deal with the assessment on her behalf. Depending on her mood she's either likely to lie and say she's fine or just not speak at all, or judging by past experiences, refuse to attend or take the phone calls.

She's now decided after some googling I never should have applied to be her appointee as she isn't 'mentally incapable or severely disabled ' I have explained that I literally just wrote that she will not speak to people she doesn't know very well, they agreed this was enough.

She's gone off at me massively, I've explained I was just trying to protect her mental health which has been horrific over the last two years but steadily improving.

I'm going to phone tomorrow to tell them she's decided she can in fact deal with it all herself and to remove me as appointee, whatever happens then happens I guess.

Moments after she told me she's more than capable with dealing with it all I find the kitchen in a state, go to her room and there's food all over the floor, bowls and plates everywhere, literally a fucking hovel.

I'm just so frustrated. I have to deal with her accusing me of not treating her like an adult and in the same breath acting like a bloody child by taking no responsibility for anything!

I've had enough.

I'm going to stop cleaning up for her for a start. We will all end up living in shit and I'll probably have to buy new saucepans just for me and DS to use.
I don't know how long I'll be able to ignore it but hopefully she'll break and load the dishwasher before I give in.

I think you answered your own question. I see repeated posts on here of parents who do everything for their kids...except let them accept responsibility for their actions. Your daughter has issues to overcome, but if she wants to be treated as an adult then she needs to act like one.

I let her live in a shit hole. Tell her she's responsible for her life and that she needs to pay rent, it doesn't have to be a massive amount, so she needs to run everything. You are not going to speak for her. Not going to apply for benefits it's all down to her.

Harsh but you have no other option

Yep. Starting today. If she needs help she has to ask for it. I've ignored her pile of dirty clothes on the bathroom floor from yesterday and today, I'll keep kicking them to one side and try to ignore them. I've given her the phone number to phone for pip. She's going to want all the money, that's fine, but she has to pay something towards her extra food and the petrol I use carting her round everywhere. Plus her extra classes etc I sort for her and pay for. Plus the money it costs me in wages every month to stay part time so I can be around to help her.
No point being angry with her I guess. Natural part of growing up and she needs to realize that with rights come responsibilities. And consequences.

There’s a difference between can’t and won’t.
Those that can’t need and deserve assistance.
The ones that deliberately won’t are almost impossible to help.
Very best of luck with your struggle you need to stick to your plans, for your DD’s future. Ultimately it’s for her benefit and future.

She's done the phone call today to start the claim, says she's going to do it all herself, which is great but she just doesn't have the knowledge to actually fill it out properly. Up to her I guess, if she doesn't get it it'll impact her future and the likelihood is that when she turns 18 she's going to have to look for a full time job. Which she won't be able to manage. So of course that will impact me and her brother because we currently get universal credit, reliant on her DLA.
She will not listen to the impact of her actions but what teenager does I guess.
I cannot get over the disregard and rudeness. I've just dropped her off at a weekly class, which her DLA pays for, no thank you. She can't get there without me. But doesn't consider any of this.

I fel your pain. My ds is now 21 and is obviously suffering but I don’t know how to help him. Whenever I try to speak to him about work, claiming pip or benefits, he takes it as a personal attack on him.

I have no advice other than to try and do something now (I had more control really at 16) as at 21 I am so worried about him. I hope someone can give some good advice for us both.

Feel - can’t update!

Thing is, she's capable of cooking for herself, washing etc...but is t causes days of crashes after. She can cook but has to eat alone, she won't or can't clean up after herself. She only does a few hours a week of lessons, if she were going out to school each day we would be back in a horrible state. But she can't see this so won't put it on the form

It's so frustrating! I've just had a good scream in the car, that helps.

Does she eat normally? Ie normal amounts of food? I'm just wondering about all the mess and secrecy if she could still be suffering from ED?

Give her the PIP forms and offer her help. Or send links to help websites. That's all you can really do. If she won't show you what she's written I guess that's up to her. She may or may not get the support she deserves but maybe the responsibility of handling her own benefits will be good for her.

Ultimately you don't want to just do things for her forever. She may be unwell and challenging but she is still capable of making her own decisions.

I have been through a lot of this with DD, and now at 19, we are in a better place .. with greater levels of independence.

She is AuADHD, with anxiety .. medication was a huge game changer for us. I still sometimes have to speak for her in meetings (she’ll give me a nod, or we will agree before hand if she’s likely to need help)

She had ESBA, missed the last two years of school entirely - scraped 5 GCSEs, managed college for a day, then went back the year after to do a year and a bit (and left again), she is now just finishing a college course she loves (Professional Chef) and has got herself a job in a local pub.

When she was 16 she hardly came out if her room, didn’t really speak to us, room was a mess, personal hygiene was awful - we had some dreadful dark times.

She has always been a lovely person, and the key to it all was making sure she knew I was 100% on her side. No arguments, just supportive.

Automony is important.. a lot of ASD young people crave autonomy, and my job was to support her in that. We dealt with PIP together, we were both in the phonecall, and the assessor was lovely.

Jusy saying “I’m not doing X, Y and Z anymore” will bring nothing but conflict. She wants to apply for her own benefits, that’s great .. the only comment is “if you need my help let me know. I continue to say to my daugher “this is all about your independence” and she ventures into something new.

Age makes a difference as well, I’ve noticed a real change over the last 13 months with DD. The way I’ve always looked at it is that she’s about 3 years “younger” than her peers, so that’s how I’ve managed her.

If she’s a nice person, you have done a good job.

Your thread is very similar to another one running currently.

As with that one, on aibu you'll receive a lot of well meaning advice that works on neurotypical children/ teens (behaviour modification strategies) but may actually worsen things for a highly anxious girl with autism.

I second @ExtraOnions that anxiety medication is often the game changer that creates a low enough baseline upon which your dd can build more effectively in terms of sustainable engagement. As she's still 16, you have slightly more chance with this route (led by you) than when she's classed as an adult and you can no longer advocate for her.

If she is open to your medical advocacy, and if this is likely to be an ongoing issue, then I'd also recommend looking into medical power of attorney for when she turns 18.

That's the point she's capable and does it...but because she knows you'll do it she won't.

Well done. First step achieved. Would it help to put in writing what you feel and what you want the outcome to be. Explaining the sacrifices you and her brother are making to accommodate her