AIBU to be angry my sister will not keep our niece?

[Sharktale2020]

I am so upset and angry with my sister but unsure if I have the right to be.
Our niece(a well behaved 14 year old) was removed by social services from her dads and is not able to return back.
She has been staying at my sisters(her aunties)but my sister is adamant that when the next review is up she can no longer keep her.
The truth is she doesn't want to in case it impacts on her many holidays and going out(she is in her 40s)
When I challenged her on why she just comes up with the most ridiculous excuses.
She has a spare bedroom and the means to give her a goodish life(considering what the poor girl has been through)
I have offered to do all I can -get bunk beds and have her every weekend but she still refuses.
I have volunteered to have her at mine despite having no room(she would have to share while we either put up a petition wall causing minimal space and we would be over crowded)
While this is being done she would have to go into care as my sister is counting down the days until our nieces time is up at hers and won't keep her a minute longer.
She has 4 people in her house who all drive and could help out-no young children.
My husband and I have our nieces sister living with us-a hyper active 6 year old who we have had since birth.
We love her dearly but life is hard and we get no help.
The irony is my sister considers herself to be a Christian woman!
Maybe it's me and people don't help each other any more but I can't think of any one who would see their niece go into care when they could prevent it without it dramatically affecting their life.
She knows how hard it is for us as a family and she really doesn't care.
How can someone have such a cold heart?
And to top it all she has told my niece she will like being in care as she will have her own bedroom and get taken out!!
No mention that it's likely she will be shipped around and gave to change schools.
The poor girl is going through enough.

Does she have to go into care? Could she not share with her sister? Could you ask for support from SS to get a bigger house?

what about the other parents family can they help? Personally I would sacrifice what I needed to to make sure any of my nieces or nephews would never go into care so I do think your sister is being selfish

I feel for the kid. And you’re lovely trying to make it work.

As for your sister, it’s a tough one. Either she’s upfront and says she doesn’t want a kid in her life, or takes her in out of judgement and duty and neglect or mistreat her.

It’s all round sad for your niece who’s done nothing wrong in this world.

How many people are living in your house and how many bedrooms?

Not entirely sure why you can't take the 14yo full time?

Can’t she share with her sister? There’s no need to partition a room.

i think unfortunately it about finding a solution for her to stay with you rather than trying to force her onto your sister.

Why has your niece refused to reside with you?

I think your anger should be directed at the poor girl's parents.
Your sister is not obliged to take on a child that is not hers and if she thinks she can't care for her, then it's probably best she says so from the outset.

She could be equally angry that you are not taking her on so she can be with her sister. Surely she could sleep on the sofa or top and tail with her sister while you sort out something more permanent.

This unfortunately.

Personally I would do whatever it takes to ensure my niece didn’t go into care so I totally understand your view OP but equally I can acknowledge that not everybody is prepared, physically, emotionally, mentally, to take on a child that is not theirs, presumably with no set end date. This is also a child that has already been through quite a lot. It’s not something that anyone should do lightly and it’s not a job that you could half arse or muddle through, it would be a huge commitment and I don’t think your sister is unreasonable to acknowledge that she isn’t prepared or capable to take that on.

Taking on a child in a situation like this and doing right by them is about far more than just having space, money or family who drive and could “help out”, she needs and deserves more than to be another job on someone’s reluctant to do list.

She doesn't want to share which I get.
It's a sad situation-she has 8 brothers and sisters from mum and dad getting with different partners.
they have never all lived together and she is not close with the sister who lives with me.
She has said she doesn't want to go into care and would stay with me as a last resort(my little one really is hard work)
Her mum who is our sister walked out on her and her sister 10 years ago and hasn't seen her since.
She isn't a viable option hence why her sister is with me.
Social services may say they will help but believe me i wouldnt put my trust in that!

If you really need a partition wall then just so that you know, we had one put up recently. It took three days including plastering. It can be done very quickly. It’s certainly not such a big job that she would need to go into care.

You can’t force your sister to take her in op. That’s not ok. If you want to stop her going into care you have to take her in.

I think it’s much better for someone to say “no I can’t do it” than a child to be in an unsuitable placement.

Sadly I have seen the impact of children being placed with someone just because it’s family but it not actually being suitable for the child.

Why aren’t you angry with your nieces parents? Her Dad who she was removed from?

I’m in my 40s and child free by choice. I have absolutely no idea what I’d do if asked to take in a family child. Honestly I wouldn’t want to do it and I wouldn’t enjoy it. I have the life I’ve chosen. I chose to not have children.

I sympathise with both your niece and your sister.

Why shouldn’t she be unhappy to lose her free time and holidays? Are women’s choices only valid if they sacrifice themselves for children they didn’t choose to have?

Going into care will likely be worse than sharing a room but not as bad as living with family who don’t want you. It’s a shame she doesn’t feel differently but you can’t make her want your niece and you shouldn’t try.

what has happened to the child’s mother? Whoever has her should be getting some child support money at least!

Just saw your update.

Your anger is misguided. You should be angry with your nieces shitty feckless parents. Not your sister.

It's a lot to take on a 14 yo, particularly one who has little cause to trust the adults in her life.

I don't think you can blame your sister, and your post drips with jealousy and judgement about her lifestyle. You aren't prepared to take the teen in, but you think someone else is dreadful for not doing so, simply because they have room?

It's very easy to decide what other people should be prepared to sacrifice to 'do the right thing' when it's not you having to do it. You chose to take the 6 year old, but not everyone is able to take on another teenager.

You will have to take her. Both of your sisters are utterly selfish.

It's heartbreaking op and the reality is we have more kids in care now than ever before and more than we have placements for. So many are ending up in unregulated placements or bnbs with staff there to watch them. I'd look seriously at the work you need done and when that can happen, ask for a family group conference from the social worker to make a plan for the transition and then push for your sister to keep your niece until the date your work is due to be completed. It might be easier when there's a tangible date and she's sat in a room of people and professionals who all are pushing for her to continue the placement as a stop gap.

What I would say is try to get the work pushed through as fast as possible. It's so damaging for kids to be somewhere they aren't wanted and it sounds like your sister is being highly inappropriate talking to a child who will have experienced significant instability and trauma about going into care and how she'll enjoy it. It's not appropriate at all and a social worker should be pulling her up on that.

I don’t think it’s clear cut. Ultimately, it’s her parents who have caused the situation, given that neither are able/allowed to care for her (assuming both are alive)- your sister is not responsible for that situation.

I think being in the care system is not a great place for any child or young person, and I can see why you would want to keep your niece within the family and out of care, if at all possible. I have huge sympathy with that perspective and I think would probably be the best thing for your niece- assuming the family she is placed with are in the position to care for her. Not just financially/space-wise, but also practically and emotionally. If they aren’t…. Well, it might not be a particularly great environment for her either.

I also don’t know that you are being fair re your sisters reasons for not wanting to keep her long-term. It could be because of holidays and going out, and if that is accurate it does seem like a very shallow/selfish reason not to help her niece. But perhaps that is your perception of her reasons, and things are actually more nuanced? Perhaps your neice is not as easy as you think, or there is something happening in your sisters life that you aren't aware of, for instance. Maybe her partner and/or other family members are against it, and she doesn’t feel able to force it through? Perhaps she genuinely does not feel able to look after your niece long-term for some reason? If she really feels that she cannot cope, it is better for all involved for your sister to be honest with social services from the outset, rather than changing the goalposts.

Being genuinely honest with myself, I would not be in a position to take on my siblings children right now if anything happened to their parents- despite having the physical space and financial resources to do so. I have no idea how I’d work it around work and current family commitments without a detrimental impact on me, my family and my career. I also just don’t want to go back to having younger children, which i recognise is absolutely selfish- but when am I allowed to be selfish and put my needs first?

Your anger should be directed towards the girl's mother. If your other sister is childfree and wants to stay that way then that needs to be respected.

ETA and angry at the girl's father of course. I mean out of your two sisters the one you should be angry with is your niece's mother.

Your anger is misplaced.
Your sister should be able to make the decision that is right for her. You're niece also deserves to be loved and cherished, not to be considered a burden.

If your niece is on an interim care order with your sister at the moment, perhaps enquire with her social worker whether there is any potential funding for you to extend to take in the child if you're minded to do so.
The top and tail suggestion upthread won't work because it doesn't meet fostering regs.
If your LA is keen to keep one child out of their care stats, then there might just be something you could have help with so that you can have this poor girl in your care.

Your sister has already gone above and beyond by taking her in temporarily. So what if she wants to keep her life as she likes it? She chose not to have children to be responsible for, so she’s fully entitled to do just that.

I would not take on this responsibility either.

@Sharktale2020 your a gold star.

Your sister is being cold hearted. I couldn’t imagine letting my young niece go into care when I could house her, no matter how begrudging I felt inside.
As for the niece, I know she doesn’t want to share but beggars can’t be choosers. It was normal for my generation growing up in the 90s to be sharing with a sibling. She will have to get over it.

If your sister has said 'no' then the question is moot. Anger is a waste of negative energy in the circumstances because it's not going to lead to your desired outcome. Your sister sounds resolute and it's clear her decision is already taken. I don't think you have any other choice but to respect that.

Your sister is in her forties. You have to assume that if she'd wanted a family she would have had one. She hasn't. Her plans for her future life are therefore unlikely to include taking on all the responsibilities of parenthood without actually becoming a mother. And she does have that right. The commitment you are expecting her to take on is enormous and not a thing to be done lightly.

If you have strong ideas as to your niece's future then unfortunately you're going to have to take on that responsibility yourself. You can't force someone else to do so whatever your stance on their moral obligations.

I do feel enormous sympathy for the child. I'm aware of the issues with the care system and I wouldn't want this for a relative of mine. That still doesn't mean I'd be in any way at liberty to volunteer other women's time and labour on their behalf.