To not mention a secret admirer

[ThisGreenSloth]

Hi, husband here just wondering what the majority of wives would want re: below.

I've just received a naughty anonymous birthday card from a secret admirer.

AIBU to not tell my wife about it? The reason I don't want to is because I think it'll simply make her paranoid and possibly affect her relationships with innocent people. She's already a touch jealous.

My instinct is just to bin it and not react at all, but this feels dishonest and like I'm being dragged into the dishonesty.

If it matters, (it doesn't) then the card won't be from anyone who knows me without knowing my wife. My colleagues don't know my address and I'm a classic "no friends" Dad!

I wouldn't be in a relationship where I couldn't simply say "Oh look at this card, how weird?"

But since you are, you might as well bin it.

Hmmmmm, such a difficult thing, damned if you do and damned if you dont. Due to you mentioning your wife is a little jealous could it be her? I would mention anyway just to be transparent.

Tell her. Say it’s clearly a bad joke and show her the card. What a weird thing to do.

1. what do you mean naughty?
2. wouldn’t you want to know if it were the other way round?

Of course tell her. For a start, how can you be sure she didn’t send it herself?!

Naughty as in suggestive.

I don't know whether I'd want to know myself tbh. I don't think it's a simple question. It would mean suspecting innocent people around me. I'd obviously want to know if something was going on, but that isn't what this is.

If your wife is already jealous then how do you know it's not from her, testing you to see if you tell her?

Yeah, this is the only context it could be from her. It's not just a romantic anonymous letter between partners (she'd only be romantic rather than coarse).

I don't think she'd test me, but I do think people are right that's the most important reason to tell her just in case.

Definitely tell her. The ear bashing you get from being transparent will be better than any ear bashing you get from hiding it, as hiding looks guilty. You could even ask her if she sent it. But, a jealous partner is hard work and I'm sorry you're having to tie yourself in knots over this

Why on earth would the OP 'get an ear bashing' from his wife for having inadvertently been in receipt of a suggestive card?

You must be gorgeous to have been the recipient of such a card.

Do you really have no idea who it's from? No male friends with inappropriate senses of humour? I imagine a "naughty " card would have to come from someone who's been previously flirtatious. Any neighbours you might have impressed with your barbecuing skills or the manly way you pack the car to go to the tip?

I'd assume it's a joke, personally. Though if his colleagues don't know his address and he doesn't have any friends, I suppose we're down to either family or neighbours.

I mean, OP, I think it's a bit of a leap to go straight to 'secret admirer'. I'd be going with 'joker who knows your address'.

If you've read the OP, this sounds slightly disingenuous.

Entirely.
He's boasting.

How is he boasting?

I genuinely don't understand that.

The PP I quoted was being disingenuous imo, if they've read the OP.

All 3 main ideas - joker, wife's test and an actual admirer - are all unlikely in their own way!

I personally do think it's an actual person because my wife's not that devious and there is no obvious joker. (I guess that's something where you need the actual context of someone's life to understand).

However, telling my wife about it (in case it's a test) and saying I think it's a joke might be the way forward.

Well, he's leapt straight to it being a 'secret admirer' rather than the more obvious conclusion that it's a joke?

The context I meant above is that I'm not 25 or whatever and part of a large group of mates who have "banter" with each other. It would be the natural thought then obviously.

If it's a joke then it would be at my expense from someone who wants to make fun of me rather than a joke someone thinks I'll find it funny. Again, definitely a possibility but would also be quite odd.

Why is it obviously a joke? And why does he have to be gorgeous? Pop on over to the thread about limerence to see some people’s first hand accounts of being in that state about people who are definitely not gorgeous (sorry OP you may well be, but I didn’t read you as bragging and if anything you sound concerned). Unless your wife is abusive I would tell her. She will probably be angry and suspicious (about who it is hopefully) but better that than have to say I hid it because you’d be jealous- that line makes me hit the roof!!

Are you sure she hasn’t sent it to see how you would react?

Tell her, of course.

Can you explain more about your wife's jealously? What triggers it? Where does it stem from? Have there been any incidents in the past that have led to this?

Perhaps OP's DW is jealous with good reason? Perhaps OP likes to give her the sense he is irresistible to other women.

Personally imo there is something wrong with your marriage if you are thinking of hiding this fron your DW. You would be giving the impression there actually is something that needs to be hidden from her. It would arguably fall into the category of lying by omission.

I can only speak for myself but I'd only feel jealous over something my husband didn't tell me rather than something he did tell me.

If she finds out from someone else or finds the card etc she will think you're hiding it because there's something to hide eg it's from the other woman rather than that it's an admirer.

Also it could escalate so she should know now rather than you having to explain it when more happens.