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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Age 9 daughter left out always

33 replies

Anotherbiscuit · 24/04/2026 21:45

9yr old has about 5 other girls in the class of whom appear to be in a clique.

Main mum organises lots of activities and mine is never invited. I have made an effort with some of them / invited in past but get blown off.

daughter is constantly asking to see them outside of school but she is never invited to any of their play dates or trips. She thinks they are her friends as they play a lot at school however nothing happens outside.

also difficult because they go to some of the same after school activities and others all get lefts together where as we don’t.

I have explained to her that we cannot control what other people do and maybe they are not such good friends but she’s gone to bed crying.

one cannot force others to be friends with your child I get that but it seems really unkind to never invite. I have invited other children in my other child’s year to things to avoid similar happening.

what is the best course of action? I was going to message main mum about it but then decided not to as she obviously doesn’t want anything to do with us !

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbiscuit · 24/04/2026 21:47

It would actually be easier if they excluded her at school but they play a lot with her
, teacher has confirmed that she’s well liked in school. I think it’s driven by the parents. Not sure what we have done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherbiscuit · 24/04/2026 21:48

Also not invited to any of their smaller gathering birthday parties which have all taken place since Sept.

OP posts:
Coka · 24/04/2026 21:51

Its an awful age, i sympathise. I would keep attempting to arrange things with 1 or 2 others in the group. If sucessful then 'main mum' may feel left out and start to include your daughter. Or speak to the teacher and see if they can encourage a friendship outside of the group.

Coka · 24/04/2026 21:53

They are also coming upto an age they will start to arrange things themselves so you could encourage your daughter to ask one or two of them to meet up at the park or something.

Endofyear · 24/04/2026 22:14

Are there only 5 girls in the class or are there other girls you could encourage your DD to be friendly with? I would keep inviting 1 or 2 of the girls to playdates and make them really fun - take them to do an activity or have pizza making or cupcake decorating parties at home, popcorn and movies or nail painting and sticker tattoos. Once word gets round that your house is a fun house, the others girls will be angling for an invite too!

ThejoyofNC · 25/04/2026 06:43

Is there anything about your family that would concern them enough to not allow their children around you? XL bully dog, someone in prison, weird hobby, obsessed with social media?

If not, I would message to be honest. She's already been ostracised so what's the harm?

ToffeeCrabApple · 25/04/2026 06:45

Is that all the kids in class? I'd be a bit put off by a class size so small for exactly this reason

JuliettaCaeser · 25/04/2026 06:49

That’s awful. Are there literally only 5 girls? If so I would consider moving her. The fact the girls get on in school show it’s not your dd that’s the problem.

If it helps dd2 didn’t find her tribe at primary but is now at 16 is extremely popular with absolutely legions of lovely friends and constantly at parties, It was the place not the child

Moonnstarz · 25/04/2026 06:52

Have you invited them 1:1 or as a group before?

I think what you have explained to DD is fair. You cannot control it what people do in their free time. Maybe these parents just gelled and have other things in common.
Does you DD do any clubs to meet other friends?

To be honest it's the same where I am. People either stick to themselves or have found a group of parents who they get on with and the kids all get on so they socialise with them. They aren't rude and turn down party invites or anything, but I think for most people when it comes to free time you would rather spend it with someone you are comfortable with too.

Original poster
Anotherbiscuit · 25/04/2026 08:16

Nothing about the family that would concern or put off.

yes I think they just gel well as parents although have heard them slagging one off !

there are other girls in the class but they are not mentioned.

i have invited 1:1 before to 3 of the others but excuses we’re made and it didn’t happen.

OP posts:
SunnyRedSnail · 25/04/2026 08:20

Sounds very odd and perhaps driven by the parents. They seem to have their own clique.

I'd focus on your DD joining clubs in the area to meet new people. My DD is now 10 and since joining a dance club a couple of years she has met some lovely girls and made new friendships.

cheekynamechang3 · 25/04/2026 08:28

Similar thing for my daughter. She's 9 and very popular in class but never really gets invited on playdates or out of school trips. She gets invited to lots of parties and when we invite people here, they're always very keen. It's just that for some reason, I'm not besties with the other parents.

I get on fine with the parents, but they all seem to be in friendship groups of their own and I'm not part of it. Thinking about it though, we don't have much in common and when I try and talk them it's a real effort to find some common ground and have a great conversation.

I think I've made my peace with it as my daughter is happy with the friendships at school- she has lots of friends. From my pov there's no point in forcing friendships with the parents. In a couple of years they will be in secondary school and this won't be an issue.

If I were you, I'd invite your daughter's friends over for playdates and you may find they're reciprocated. Maybe you won't, but at least your daughter gets the playdates - this will make her happy.

Dontgoforward · 25/04/2026 08:29

I have a DD the same age with a similar situation, although my DD seems oblivious to the fact she's not involved outside of school.
My DD will play with younger children though which can make it less obvious she's struggling within her own peer group. I'm hoping going to high school will help her find her people.
There isn't much we can do as parents other than say that often at this age there are lots of external factors too like their parents being friends too, living near to each other, and that when they go to high school there will be a much bigger group of children to form new friendships with.

cheekynamechang3 · 25/04/2026 08:30

Anotherbiscuit · 24/04/2026 21:48

Also not invited to any of their smaller gathering birthday parties which have all taken place since Sept.

sorry, when I wrote the reply, I missed this. Sorry OP, this sounds really hurtful.

I'd still try and arrange fun things yourself though. Cinema trip maybe?

TommorrowsToday · 25/04/2026 08:35

We too have a clique of 5 girls in DD's class, and their parents have been pals since reception (whereas DD joined in yr2).

It bothers me more than DD, there are other girls, she always has someone to play with at school, we have 1:1 playdates with a range of kids.

Like @cheekynamechang3
I remind myself that the parents (who lead the outside of school socialising) are fully entitled to have a friendship group, and it's absolutely ok that it doesn't include me. They hardly know me, it'd be strange to presume I could just join their long-established group.

As long as DD is happy, and has friendship choices, it's all just a short phase in our lives.

Backpain2026 · 25/04/2026 08:41

If there are only five girls in the class then honestly I would move schools because of the restrictive educational impact of such a small class.

However, if there are other girls in the class then just cultivate friendship with them, invite them to play etc.

And don't worry about other group and know that you won't have anything to do with them out of school

Coconutter24 · 25/04/2026 09:11

I have explained to her that we cannot control what other people do and maybe they are not such good friends but she’s gone to bed crying.

YABU to say that to your DD when they all play well at school and her teacher says she is well liked. You just upset her there not her friends. Maybe the other girls are closer or maybe the parents are closer

ShetlandishMum · 25/04/2026 09:15

Before DD2 left primary to secondary school they were 4 girls (and 21 boys). It was the same.

She found her friends in Girl Guiding and ballet.

ToffeeCrabApple · 25/04/2026 09:20

there are other girls in the class but they are not mentioned.

Ah. Your dd may have fallen into the trap of trying to break into what appears to be the "popular" well established group.

You might do better to encourage to broaden out. There will be others in the class whom she isn't noticing who she stands a better chance at developing a deeper friendship with who's parents might not be so prone to snubbing.

minipie · 25/04/2026 09:22

I think I would be encouraging DD to form friendships with the other girls in the class.

If these 5 are in a strong group and the parents are friends then it isn’t going to happen that she just gets added to the group.

Out of school activities together and lift shares make a big difference tbh. The girls get closer spending time at the activities and in the car together and the parents get to know each other more through the lift shares and standing watching or waiting to collect etc. so this is the most likely reason your DD is not quite part of the group, nothing personal.

JuliettaCaeser · 25/04/2026 10:53

Take comfort that this is a temporary issue in a few short years the girls will push the mums away and socialise themselves

Ukholidaysaregreat · 25/04/2026 11:08

I would look to join out of school clubs such as brownies or a sport. They usually include kids from a wider area and then sometimes at secondary school with a wider catchment your DD will have friends from those clubs. It's good to have a range of friends. I had a difficult time at Secondary school and was really glad of my Guides and Music club friends.

bunnyvsmonkey · 25/04/2026 11:16

It all went to pot age 9 here. DD pivoted to another group of friends for year 5. I would suggest asking some people outside the 'frenemy five' for some playdates so she can widen her circle a bit.

At this point there will also be cliques forming among parents thinking about secondary school placements so that might be a factor.

redskyAtNigh · 25/04/2026 11:40

You need to encourage your DD to find other friends - both in school and out of school (if possible). "Fortunately" 9/10 is an age when girls' friendships tend to naturally change anyway, so you may well find the existing friendship groups start to fragment and different groups form as the girls start maturing at different speeds and develop new interests. It's also an age when the girls will be quite clear about who their friends are and will be making their own plans to do things with them - parental social engineering will only be tolerated to a degree.

Which does lead me to another point. It's great that the other girls are playing with your DD at school, but it is possible that they are only doing it to be nice, and don't consider her as close a friend as the others, which is why she is not invited to things.

mamato4boys · 25/04/2026 16:33

Is it to do with car pooling, as in you can fit 4 kids in your car but not 5 unless you have a 7 seater? Do they have siblings of the same age/ gender so they can swap and share lifts eg you take the girls to soccer and I’ll take the boys to cricket? If they are in the same afterschool it is awkward to take 3 but not the 4th kid, because they see it whereas your kid won’t see it because she isn’t right there. Have you ever done things like be really late for collecting your dad from their house or flaked out on plans last min?

these are all reasons it isn’t your daughter. I feel sad she went to bed feeling upset when those girls might really like her but because of reasons external to her it doesn’t suit

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