AIBU to stay out of my mum's decision about her will?

[MoneyandInheritance]

My mum has recently told me and my brother about her will. She is leaving nothing to us but is instead splitting it between her biological grandchildren. I have two children, my brother has two children with his with his ex and also two step children with his new wife who he has been with for about 10 years. My mum has always been kind to his SC, included them in gifts at Xmas, buys them things here and there like she does my children and my brothers bio children.

My brother is really annoyed with our mum, saying she should treat his SC like her bio GC and is pressuring me to tell her that she is wrong and needs to change her will. He says he would like it to be 50/50 between me and him but did say maybe he should get more because he has 4 children.

I have refused to get involved and said it’s not for us to decide what she does with her money, which is true, but I’m also glad that she isn’t leaving money to step grandchildren. AIBU? We don’t need the money and we can afford to help our children with uni, house deposits etc. My brother isn’t poor but I don’t know how much he’ll be able to help his children out. I just don’t care, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want my mum thinking I’m talking behind her back about her money and choices. My brother has told her he isn’t happy and I’ve told my mum I’m happy with whatever she wants.

He is out of order trying to pressurise her. As you say, it’s her money and her choice. You’re right to tell him that you’re staying out of it.

I have seen siblings (my late MIL was one) fall out when it went directly to GC.
It really would be much better going to you and your brother 50:50 to pass onto your children as you see fit, in your case two, in his case four.
You shouldn't be "punished" or "rewarded" for having more children. That said, if she did treat SC like the others, they'd all be getting a sixth each. 1/3 to yours, 2/3 to his. I can see why you are relieved but I can also see why he is aggrieved.
He would probably be fed up even if you got half each, as he has more beneficiaries but that's what remarriage will do.
But trust me, that will is going to cause accusations of favouritism, blood is thicker than water etc and you will be in the crossfire even though noone has any automatic right to others' money.

Yet again, this is why nobody should ever discuss their Will with anyone except a solicitor!
YANBU, OP.

It’s your mums money, she can do with it what she’s wants.
It’s great your brother treats all the children the same, but extended family don’t have too leave then money in their will because of this. Does sil treat mil like a mum?

You're doing the right thing keeping out of it.
He needs to be careful though. She may well consider the pressure he's putting on her as greed and change her will to leave nothing to his kids.

I would definitely stay out of it.
Your brother is motivated by the best interests of his family only. Not your battle.

You are so completely right and I think your assertiveness is admirable.

That sounds fair! Your brothers step children will stand to inherit from their biological parents' families so it makes sense that they won't inherit from your mum as well. And the main thing is that it's your mums choice! So whatever she has decided should be respected

Given that your mum treats your brother's stepchildren almost like her biological grandchildren, it seems harsh to leave them out of her will altogether. That might feel quite hurtful to them.

She could leave them something, whilst still leaving the bulk to her biological grandchildren.

She could also consider a letter of wishes where she indicates other bequests (eg favourite possessions) to each of them

Your brothers children have two sets of their own grandparents, it would be really odd for your mum to leave them money too, and actually pretty unfair.

If my mum had chosen to leave 1/6 each to the 4 bio and 2 step GC, I wouldn't have said anything. My mum has never thought of my brother’s step children as her grandchildren though so I’m not surprised with how she has done things, but I wouldn’t have cared if she included them equally.

My brothers step kids father sadly died and they won’t inherit from his parents either as there was a fall out when their mum got together with my brother. I don’t think that makes a difference in terms of what my mum chooses to do with her money though. She wants her money to go to help her own grandchildren.

If the step children have a biological set of grandparents they may inherit from them as well as your mum…win win.

Agree with this entirely. I actually know a family where the step child gets presents from all quarters (ie from non biological grandparents), but the biological grand child gets ZERO from the grandparents of the step child,( and will inherit from them).

I actually think it is worth caring what happens to inheritance in this scenario, because your mother is perfectly right to do what she wants with her money, but your children would also remember how they were treated versus the non biological children, who may well get money from elsewhere, and you never know what your kids might need, the future is never certain.

I also think your brother has a nerve wanting more money than you, just because of HIS life decisions.

No, what I mean is SK have two sets of their own grandparents, yes it’s a bummer if there isn’t money there but if everyone stuck to inheritance going to bio/adopted kids, it would be fair.

But it sounds like you’ve made a very sensible decision to stay out of this.

Jesus, poor step kids. You sound a bit gross to be honest. Why do you not want them getting anything?

They will be getting something! They’ll inherit from their own bio grandparents, their mum and probably their step dad too.

My brothers step kids father sadly died

Has he thought about adopting them? Then they'd be on the same legal footing as his biological children.

And considering their biological father has died so that your brother, their stepfather, is their only father, it seems doubly harsh for your mother to omit them entirely from her will.

I really don’t care. In my mums shoes, I would do it how she has, but if she had chose to leave her money between 6 (4 bio and 2 step GC) equally, I really wouldn’t have cared. Without boasting, we are quite well off and my kids will be fine regardless. I’ve told my brother to talk to our mum about it, not me, and if she changes her mind, I don’t care. I doubt she will though because I know she’s very black and white about this sort of thing and isn’t an easy person to influence. I just want to be left alone and for my brother to stop hassling me about it. Our mum could live for many years yet, anything could happen. In my last text to her I told her to leave it all to an animal charity, only half joking, because I’m fed up.

YANBU. They aren't her family.

I've said this before on step-kids posts, that people who insist all children should be treated the same don't always extend that to inheritance. Which I personally think is fair enough, but can understand why kids why it's confusing for kids if they are treated as equal to 'blood' relatives in some ways but not others.

There could be an argument for always distinguishing between them from the very start - in an I'm an adult in your life that cares for you and your wellbeing but am not your grandparent/aunt etc. Similar to a family friend or godparent role - they care about the DC and might even buy them birthday gifts etc., but there's no expectation they would disadvantage their own DC/DGC in favour of them.

Personally if I were OP's mum I would just leave directly to her own DC and then let them sort it out between them. But whatever she decides it's her money and completely up to her. Brother should be glad his family are getting anything, she could spend it all on fabulous cruises/give it to charity.

totally agree with this. I do get the thing about "no surprises" but bugger that

It would be so much fairer to split it 50 /50 with you two children. I never understand why people skip a generation.

No, the children very much remember their dad so I doubt very much that is something they would want.