AIBU to consider cutting contact with my Mum?

[MrsKurz]

first time poster, long time reader. I don't even know where to start with this as I don't think any amount of typing can do justice to how I feel, but I'll do my best.
We've ALWAYS had a strained relationship. Since I can remember it's been hard. After I was born she was ill, and then developed depression for around 10 years (I thought it was depression at the time, that's what I was told), but looking back I wonder if it's all part of the same thing. She could get ANGRY. Still can, but I don't see it so much anymore. I'm an only child, and to me and my Dad, my mum was a different person to the rest of the world. Everyone else sees this version of her that is AMAZING. She'll help anyone, go above and beyond, they literally believe she is the best person on the planet, but to me and my Dad behind closed doors, it was a different story. I wouldn't necessarily say she was physically abusive to me, but there were smacks/grabs that were probably harder than they should have been. But it was never enough I felt I could say anything, or I would be told I was being ridiculous/lying. I guess I was born into these blurred lines in the 90s where spanking was sort of still acceptable, but at what level... who knows. All I know is I would NEVER do to my kids what was done to me.

But more than all that... is the emotional side. I was always told I wasn't good enough, "why can't you be like xyz", "they try harder", "they beat you on this test" etc. All the way to being called a stupid cow and literally screamed at regularly, for who knows what. I always thought ultimately I was the problem as a kid, and ended up apologizing.

Just after I got married, my parents went through a bad time (this was about 13 years ago now), and my Dad confided in me that my Mum was being domestically abusive towards him. She spat on him, hit him, punched him in the chest (he's had heart surgeries). I literally felt broken. He also told me he believed she was an alcoholic, which I believe was true at the time. It's my biggest regret in life that I didn't do something then. I was 20 years old, fresh out of home, newly married and honestly just overwhelmed with my Mum and Dad both coming at me with these stories. It's too late now, and my Dad will just deny he said it out of fear of keeping the peace. During my childhood he never did ANYTHING to protect/stop it, he would stay quiet just to "stay out of it". He didn't want to "get involved", so he let it happen.

Anyway... fast forward to now, I'm 34 years old and have 2 kids of my own (3 and 1). They and my husband are the BEST thing in my life, I literally don't know how I have managed to form such a healthy, functional family for myself haha. However, my Mums prescence and trouble in my life is always there.

One thing she has always done is lie, about EVERYTHING. No matter how big or small. But she obviously denies she lies about anything. But she lies to the point that I literally don't know when I can trust anything she says. It's crazy to me that she will lie about the most mundane things, and can never be wrong about ANYTHING. If you call her out, she either denies it, changes her story, or sulks for HOURS. It's EXHAUSTING.

There have been a couple of things in her last visit where she lied about things to do with my kids (small things, but it just reinforces that I can't trust her), and I'm honestly at the end of my tether.

I would actually love to cut her out of my life, but it's just not so simple in reality. I don't want my kids to have NO grandparents (they aren't around on the other side as they passed away when my husband was young). And you know, there's extended family, I can just see it being a whole drama, but I literally don't know what to do anymore.

Not quite sure what I'm actually hoping for out of this. For those who have cut out parents, how did it go? Was it worth it? Am I being too dramatic? She will absolutely deny any of these things if I confront her about it and act like she literally doesn't understand where any of this is coming from, but I'm exhausted.

I'm NC with my mother. Have been for years and I'll never go back. It's peaceful. I don't regret it.

Some women should never be mothers I think.

No GP is a much better outcome than abusive ones.

You said that your mother had one presentation for you and your father, and another one for everyone else. Is she still like that? And if so, how is she treating your children? If she's sweet with them, I'd maintain contact with her for their sake. If not, then I'd consider what you are getting out of it and if it's more emotional stress than anything positive, let it go (or at least keep her on a back burner and don't put yourself out for her).

What were the lies about your kids?
How is she with your kids?
How is she now with you? Does she still put you down?

I am no contact with one parent and very low contact with another and it's definitely the right call for my sanity!

So the first one was that she made a whole thing at dinner that she didn't want to take my toddler to nursery on her bike, only her scooter. I explained that either was not really super different because both are on wheels and she's about the same speed on both. Made a whole thing about it, told me I was being unreasonable and could just say "yes mum I understand how you feel and why you wouldn't want to do that". I said "ok yes fine, but are you prepared to deal with the upset 3 year old if she wants her bike?", just a stupid thing. Then the next morning, toddler wants to take the bike, my mum comes in and says "oh it's fine she can take the bike, it was actually your aunt who didn't want to take the bike, i was always fine with it".

The second one, we're potty training and my toddler still has accidents sometimes, it's fine, obviously, but the childminder normally tells us if she does. My Mum and her sister picked her up, and I got a text from the child minder asking if my mum had told me that my LO had an accident, I said "no she didn't mention anything" and then she (the childminder) sent me this message: "Ah ok, Because when I told them your mum, I then turned away as I was kind of cleaning up at the same time and I heard her quietly sat to your aunty “oh well we don’t need to tell Lauren and Ben, and then your aunty said well maybe we should and she replied like no do they need to know, okay maybe we should say.” Which I thought was a bit strange."

These two weren't "big" things, but I just never know when to believe her about anything.

She is definitely still like that with my Dad. Less so with me now because I'm now an "outside" person. But I see her scowling and angry at my Dad when she thinks I can't see/aren't listening

I went very low contact after dad died during the first lockdown. Until then, I tolerated her for his sake.

That said, since his death I’ve thought about things and felt a bit resentful that he never protected me from her tantrums and spite (because he was scared of her himself). Anyway, that’s in the past now.

Going low contact with her has been great and I feel no guilt. But I wonder whether you might end up worrying about your dad if you do that. You shouldn’t - but you might.

You're right, I do worry about him, and definitely feel some responsibility, but am also coming to terms with the fact it's not my battle to fight, and I really did try and encourage him to leave 14 years ago, and he got close a couple of times but never followed through.