AIBU to let my Year 10 child miss school sometimes?

[Sunriseseaview]

DC has never liked school but has pushed through. They are in year 10 and have a mild learning disability. Lately the pressure of GCSEs has become harder and it is impacting their mental health. They are missing school more often; still going but not every day. They are seeing a therapist.

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within and I hope they will find their path; but I do question myself and wondering if I am doing the right thing. They don’t want to do A levels, just go to college for something more practical.

They are a good teen, kind, respectful, generally listen to advice.

How do I approach this? Am I doing the right thing by letting miss school sometimes? I feel like they need time to recharge as the stress of learning and receiving too much information is draining for them.

I also feel the UK system where they push everyone through the same system and it is so exams and results focus doesn’t suit them.

bump

Personally I don't think that's the right approach. You are building avoidance of difficult situations rather than resilience.

You bumped after 2 minutes? Why so impatient?

Randomly missing school isn’t going to help anything. It’s more likely to make things worse rather than better, becayse theyre missing classes that will be part of a taught syllabus, so when they are there they’ll be trying to follow something that they missed the previous bit of.

If they’re genuinely struggling to cope then yes that needs considering but not by skiving off some days. It may be that they’re trying to do too many subjects and would be better dropping a couple and either doubling up on classes for others, or spending those timetable slots studying independently.

I can see where you’re coming from but surely it’s going to worsen stress around exams and performance because they’re getting more and more behind?

My Dad taught me that resilience and self belief came from turning up anyway, and although I didn’t thank him at the time, I do think it’s served me well in life. You can’t avoid all situations.

Can’t say I agree with this at all, what will happen in a few years time when they start work? They won’t be able to hold a job down because you would have installed they don’t need to go in if they can’t be bothered! You may think you’re doing the right thing, maybe you are I don’t know but personally I believe you are setting your child up to fail.

No I don’t think it’s the right approach either. They won’t be able to do that when they’re in the work place without the threat of disciplinary. If you don’t agree with the system, pull them out and home school, but you need to adhere to the system they’re in, it’s just life, the sooner they realise that, the better.

It’s not ok. You’re basically teaching them
that it’s normal
to run away from anything that’s a bit difficult and if you can’t be bothered to do something then you don’t have to.

Respect your child and listen to their feelings. School is the most unnatural environment created it’s amazing any kid agrees to go. As long as they are doing enough to move on to the next stage let them stay home teach them to look after their own mental health instead of pushing themselves to breaking point.

I completely agree with this. As a parent, you need to build resilience. Choosing when to attend school won't do that. In addition, they will be missing teaching points, making it harder for them

How are they going to manage a college course or full time job? You need to be working with your teen to build resilience. I do sympathise and it’s a difficult situation but I don’t think this is doing them any favours in the long term

It’s the wrong thing to do imo. My kids have now left school but they needed to be practically dying before they had a day off school. They enjoyed most of their school days, have continuing friendship groups from both primary and secondary and have a good work ethic.

Missing school to do what? There's a big difference between getting the work done at home or sitting in your arse watching tiktoks.

My kids are younger but

I don’t want to force them; I encourage them but feel the drive should come from within

Imo this is from the same parenting handbook as 'my child will tell me when they are ready to potty train" 🤨😒

If everyone in society only ever did what they fancied we'd all be in big trouble.
Decent adults and good citizens understand sometimes you need to do things you dont want to.
I dont have a "drive from within" to get up and stay with my 4 yo from 1- 3 am I did it as its the right thing to do and you do what your supposed to even if you dont fancy it.

This is up there with ' i cant because of my "anxiety" '

Exactly this.

Have you looked into Emitionally Based ScHools Avoidance. (EBSA)

Sorry I think YABU. The school might need to adjust if he’s overwhelmed but he needs to go in unless he’s on a part time timetable or ill etc. Otherwise the danger is he takes this approach with further study (isn’t it compulsory to stay in education until 18), work etc and however nice/ polite he is, he’ll end up never being able to hold a job down.

Are you leaving your child alone while they are off school and you are at work?

You should be finding ways for them to manage their learning disability in a way that they can process information and build their confidence instead of avoiding doing the work in the first place. You aren't helping your child, you are setting them up to fail in the future.

The weekend and the 6 hours after school every day are the times for resting and processing the information received.

Thank you. What if your kid is self harming. How will you encourage/force them to go to school? Drag them?

You are setting your child up to fall. They will be kicked out of college and will lose their job if they just don't turn up.

Particularly in Y10. They will fall behind their subjects and GCSE will be so much more stressful.

You are achieving the opposite effect to what you intend.. Mental health is so important (believe me I know, we had issues with DS but he never missed school). But there are more effective ways to deal with this. Ones that are much kinder to him.

I think it would be better if they can go in

As you say GCSEs are more intense and missing lessons will make things much harder.

If academia is definitely not their path you might be able to talk to the school to drop a subject and have “free” periods where they can catch up with core subject work and study.

Depending on the college and depending on the subject they might still need the golden 4s in English Language and Maths at the very least (especially if it’s a popular subject at a popular college).

I think you might do better if you open up this conversation with school first to try and find a workable solution that’s beneficial for your child- their pupil - no one wants them to fail or funk, rather than make a solo decision to keep them off random days.

But up to you I guess you are their parent.

Have you spoken to the school? What support has been offered? It also depends on how much they’re missing, one day a half term which means they’re in school the rest of the time, then not a problem. Once a week, and they’re going to be missing lots of content and getting behind and you could end up in a downward spiral. Start with the school work, e.g. ask for a meeting, see if they can drop a GCSE, reduced hours, perhaps they may look at alternative provision for a day a week, somewhere to go in school if they’re struggling etc.

You talk to the school and be honest.

My DS was unable to go to school for several years. We tried for hours every single day, but he just couldn't do it. It was hell. Missing school went against everything I believed in (I'm a teacher and as a family, education is hugely important to us).

However, school isn't like the workplace. You can choose your work and the kind of environment you spend your days in. Not so with school. I don't think letting him miss school now will necessarily mean they won't go to work. What I do think though, is that you still need a routine in place. For a day when they're at home, you need to ensure some kind of learning is happening.

Have you spoken to the school about a part-time timetable?

You pay for a therapist.

That's a completely different question to your OP.