AIBU to feel hurt that my husband has walked out?

[ByPeppyKoala]

DH (45) and I (44) have been together 22 years, married 15. We have three boys, 13, 10 and 8. Life is busy and loud but we’ve always been a team and muddled through together.

Last week he left. No big row, no dramatic scene. He just said he’s done and that he “can’t handle this anymore” and it’s all a bit too much for him. Then he packed a bag and went. I think I’m still in shock because I didn’t even argue, I just said okay. I feel sad more than anything else.

For context, over Easter we went to France. First night we went out for dinner and it was honestly chaos. The boys were overtired, arguing, messing about, not sitting still. DH and I had been looking forward to a nice meal but it just wasn’t happening.
Out of nowhere he completely snapped. Proper shouting, the whole restaurant went quiet. I have never seen him lose his temper like that before. It was really out of character. He looked furious but also… overwhelmed? He didn’t even finish his meal, just threw his card on the table, said he “couldn’t be bothered with all this”, and walked out back to the hotel.

I stayed, got the boys settled, we finished eating as best we could and then went back. He was already in bed. I checked on him and he said he was fine and apologised for losing his temper, but he seemed distant.
After that something just felt off. He was quieter for the rest of the trip, not really engaging, and I put it down to stress or tiredness. When we got home he went straight back to work and barely spoke.
Then a few days later he sat me down and said he’s not happy, he feels constantly on edge, the noise and chaos of family life is too much, and he doesn’t think he can do it anymore. He said he feels like he’s failing and that he just wants some peace. Then he left.

No discussion about working on things, nothing. Just done.

I’m trying to keep things normal for the boys and haven’t told them everything yet, just that Dad is having a bit of time away.

AIBU to feel hurt that he’s just walked out like this rather than trying to fix things? Or am I missing something and this has clearly been building for longer than I realised I guess. Our boys are chaos and it’s gotten too much for DH. Oh well nothing much I can do.

Edited by MNHQ to say that it would be worth reading all of the OP's comments before posting as there are some quite sad and important updates to this first post.

It sounds like there's more going on somewhere in his life and the boys' behaviour was the last straw.

For something so out of character I’d be asking questions about his health : work
is something happening? Family life can be busy, chaotic and overwhelming but why does he get to throw the towel in
id look at those things if it was genuinely a shock and then I’d assume it’s the script (ie another woman)

When you say your boys are chaos what do you really mean?
is the dinner indicative of usual behaviours?

So he gets to walk away when he cannot stand the chaos, and leaves you having to do everything?

I'm sorry @ByPeppyKoala you and your boys deserve better.

You're absolutely not unreasonable to be upset, at all, but he is obviously at the end of his tether and it's just run out.

He should have communicated these feelings with you long before it got to the point of him walking out on you all... But I think I do feel for him. I doubt it's just the boys and family life, it sounds like he's overwhelmed by life full stop.

If it is just this, and there isn't something extra weird going on that you don't know about (affair, addiction, debt etc) then it may be possible to start up the lines of communication again - but he may need his peace for a while for his failing mental health. That obviously leaves you dealing with the kids and everything else, but unfortunately not much can be done about that if he's having a breakdown of sorts.

See if you can open a line of communication with him. "I support you getting away for some peace and breathing space. Can you start communicating with me though and let me know how you've been feeling?".

Again, you are not being unreasonable at all. Think this blokes just a bit broken right now and treating him with a loving hand might do everything the world of good.

If it does turn out that something unknown is going on, chuck him in the bin and take the house lol.

I would be looking for OW. 💐

A 13, 10 and 8 year old should be able to behave in a restaurant. It sounds like that was the last straw. Is there nothing going on at work he could be stressed about? I’m not for one minute agreeing with him walking out but I’d be looking to see if something else was going on with him.

The boy’s behaviour at their age sounds unacceptable, how is that usually dealt with, you are making excuses for them.

He shouldn’t have walked though, where has he gone?

Hey OP.
Me and DH are similar ages and we have three boys, they are 16 17 and 20 now but when they were younger it was hardwork.
I just wanted to post to say while I can't comment on your Dhs behaviour, having children is hardwork.
You are doing a grand job keeping the ship sailing while he's away.
Sending hugs xx

Well, knew he wasn’t going to be able to escape to shag the OW all the time he was stuck in France didn’t he? They always get the holiday sulks and lash out at their family as a result. Classic.

I love that men think they can do this. What if your reply was "yes me too - what are we going to do about the kids?" Honestly selfish self centred fuckbrains who think women are there to do all the shit that they can't be bothered to / that they think is beneath them.

Could he be having a breakdown?

is there any neurodiversity that may make him
feel so overwhelmed by the ‘chaos’?

how much time does he normally spend with the family?

You are not in the least unreasonable to feel hurt. In fact you wouldn't be unreasonable to be inconsolable right now.

The behaviour screams OW to me too, particularly with him not having raised the fact that he's been 'struggling for a while'. It could be poor MH, but I would take bets on OW, I'm afraid.

Keep your chin up, OP, onwards and upwards and I hope the boys are doing all right (and also not feeling that it was their behaviour that drove him away).

This, do you have different parenting styles?
mum friend practices the mn beloved gentle low demand parenting, so this behaviour in the restaurant would be seen as “expressing themselves confidently” and seen as a positive.
What is work/home life like?
are you equally sharing the load re work, childcare and household tasks?

Can you arrange to meet somewhere neutral to have a discussion about things? You are not being unreasonable to be hurt but if the change has come out of the blue I would be wondering what else is going on and if it’s something you can work through together.

I also think it sounds like he's having a breakdown.

Gotta love how a man thinks he can just walk out on a family. What a dick.

Other than she being a man, there is zero to suggest anything about an ow.

It sounds like exactly what he has said. The kids are an absolute nightmare and he's had enough.

Same situation happened to me . On holiday with our ( then ) under 3 dd . She was going through a phase of bad behaviour and fussy eating .
After a fraught meal out , he said he was leaving us there and going home by himself . He also said he couldn't cope with it and didn't know if he wanted out .
This was a quite a few years ago now so I can't remember the finer details , but we stayed in holiday for a few more days before cutting it short by a day or two .
Fast forward a few years , we muddled on until our now 2dc were teenagers and he couldn't cope with that , so now an ex .
As many on here say , when they show the real them , believe it .

I actually feel a bit angry for you OP.

Family life is overwhelming at times, but you don't just get to walk away and leave your partner to deal with it solo.

I hope a break is enough to give your DH the strength or the opportunity to get the help he needs so he can get back and pick up his fathering duties.

I don’t suspect that there is another woman but if there is then there’s not much I can do about that. It would hurt but I think the last week I’ve just become numb.

I’d just like for our boys to still have their father in their life that’s all.

Well yes he is failing if that is how he reacts to his kids playing up in a restaurant. Ask him how he plans to improve his resilience given that whether you are together or apart he needs to parent his own offspring.

I also wondered whether he’s having an affair and is using the children’s behaviour as an excuse to leave.

It's amazing that fathers can just disappear to "get space", leaving mothers to do all the work.
He's given zero thought to you and is just concentrating on his own needs without and discussion.

How lovely it must be to just be able to announce that you can’t do it any more and walk out
You can’t do the life that you’ve created and that you don’t want to anymore so that’s that

So much for the protectors and the providers eh ?

Reframe:

He publically humiliated you by shouting in restaurant.

He abandoned you by walking out.

He trapped you by leaving you with the boys in public.

He gave you the silent treatment.

He has now left you, taking you for granted and making you the default parent.

He can’t cope, but has left you to cope. Therefore he undervalues you.

He's an abusive asshole.