Is Dh justified in questioning me? Friend made a pass

[Gojucherie]

I became close to another school mum a few years ago. We have a similar sense of humour and outlook. Our families have spent a fair amount of time together - bbqs, day outs etc. Our husbands also got on well.

Not too long ago friend’s husband made a pass at me out of nowhere. I did NOT encourage him or give him any impression of being interested. I am absolutely not attracted to the man. And my marriage and family are far too important to put at risk.

I wasn’t going to tell dh as nothing actually happened. I shot the other person down.

Dh knows I have never cheated. He knows it’s not in my nature. And we have a very trusted relationship.

I did end up sharing as I wanted to distance myself from the other family and needed to let dh know why

Dh is not a hot headed guy. Usually very hard to fluster. His reaction really surprised me. He was visibly angry. And directed it at me initially. He toned it down once I pointed this out to him. I then got the Spanish Inquisition. A million questions.

dh and I have agree it’s best to step away from this other couple.

But I have to say DH’s response really upset me. I was 100% honest. And I don’t feel like his response came from a place of trust. I can imagine how I would react and I think I would’ve handled it very differently

Am I allowed to feel pissed off? I would’ve liked DH’ss concern to centre on me. Ie being asked if I was ok etc.

was that a typo? You weren’t 100% honest?

Typo. Sorry. Edited

So his go to was to victim blame?
Lovely.
Yanbu.
I would be pissed off too.

Seems completely unreasonable for him to blame you.
Is this out of character for him?

I can just think of how exes/my brothers would have dealt with this. DH really did not handle it well imo. And it’s just upset me.

Dh is normally a very thoughtful and respectful partner.

It sounds like redirected anger to be honest, as presumably he feels like it's a friend who has made a move on his wife. It's not ideal, but it sounds like he calmed down once you pointed it out. I'd have a lot of questions too, but I wouldn't be blaming my partner. I'd just want to know how it came out of nowhere and what happened.

He’s cheated 🤷🏻‍♀️

You say you weren't going to tell him, but ended up telling him. How much time had passed before you told him? Since it's a friend of his, if you left it a while I can understand him thinking maybe you didn't tell him straight away because you had something to hide. It's a bit like you and his friend kept a secret together from him.

I don't mean to stereotype (know I am) but IME male anger isn't always rational and needs some time to calm down and think properly.

When younger I joked about about how my turtle neck jumper must be a man magnet as I got chatted up a few times one night. His immediate reaction was I must've been flirting, I wasn't, he just didn't like it, natural.

The next day he said he knew he was wrong and trusted me, just a macho thought process.

Same with other men and such experiences, surprisingly over reaction from a need to protect, jealousy or something. Xxx

Well he does not appear to have acted differently to when it happens where a woman makes a pass at a man on here and women tell how they reacted

But yes sounds terrible

When did you tell him? Has he had some time and space to mull it over? Has he apologised? I’d bring it up with him, tell him how disappointed you are that his initial reaction wasn’t to be pissed off with his mate but at you. He needs to eat humble pie.

I told him a few days after

Why would you say that

I’m curious as to why you weren’t going to tell him, but then decided to? It would be perfectly easy to distance in other ways ‘oh, I’m a bit bored of Claire and Ben’ etc.

I was in a similar situation once and didn’t mention it to DH. The friend had too much to drink, it wasn’t a big deal, everyone moved on. Some things are better left unsaid!

I think it’s definitely misdirected anger for your DH (it’s hurtful, inappropriate behaviour from his mate). Not great, but he’ll probably calm down quickly.

has he been cheated on before?

It isn't a great first reaction, but if (after emotion subsides) he sees sense after, then I don't think it is as bad as some are making out. We aren't all logical when emotions are high.

His go to was to victim blame. Thats ugly. Why would he do that? Because he feels guilty about his behaviour? I don't think it is normal to turn on your partner whom is confiding in this way.

what an idiot making a pass at his wife's friend.
Does she know?

For this guy to make a move, I think he must have got the vibe from you that you liked him back so I can see where your husbands questioning was coming from.

Utter shite

Is this a joke? Have you ever met any men?

Or read any news articles in the past decade or two about many men's behaviour towards women who very much were not encouraging them in any way?

Yeah I would be angry if my partner kept something like that from me for a few days and would definitely question them as to why, especially if they initially never had any intention of telling me and was only forced to by way of an explanation; I would consider that a breach of trust.

I wasn’t going to tell dh as nothing actually happened. I shot the other person down.

This is gaslighting OP, your friend’s husband, someone who is your DH’s actual friend, making a pass at you and you shooting them down is NOT nothing happening, it most definitely IS something that happened; if you tried to gaslight your partner like that then I can see why he’s angry.

What if it was your friend who made a pass at your DH? Would you be happy if he didn’t tell you or kept it from you for some time because “nothing actually happened”?