To feel humiliated meeting DP’s best friend for the first time?

[Masiemaise]

I have been with DP for nearly a year but only
met his best friend (and his wife) for the first time last night, as they live a few hours away and had a baby around the time I met DP so haven’t been free to meet up.

We went to a restaurant followed by a couple of bars in the city they are from, so were all a bit tipsy. DP’s friends wife works in the NHS and was talking about some of the strangest things she has seen.

She mentioned people turning up at A&E with items lodged in their bum. DP’s friend commented along the lines of he doesn’t know what would posses anyone to do that sort of thing.

DP then turned to me and said ‘you should see what she’s like when she gets home from bottomless brunch with her friends’ and burst out laughing.

I pulled him up on it last night and again today but he doesn’t see the issue. He has given a half apology but said he was joking and didn’t mean anything by it, and his friend/wife will know it was a joke.

Am I being a bit OTT with my reaction? It felt so unnecessary

I don't think he meant it as anything other than a silly comment.

Only you will know if it's something to worry about. It sounds misplaced but benign enough to me.

Crass, silly comment but that’s about it. If it had been me I would have laughed it off as I do think it was intended as a crude joke.

But if you’re upset enough to raise it last night and again today then there’s something else at play here isn’t there?

Maybe he was nervous, but that kind of thing is unbearable for me

I would literally cut someone off for making me the butt of their joke to impress their mates 🤢. My step dad used to do it to my dm, I honestly hate it

Is he otherwise a weak man?

If he has semi apologised, and it was just a one off, and you've made it clear that it has to be, maybe he wont do it again? I'd keep an eye on the dynamic between you when you're out and see whether it was nerves or who he is xx

They had the tone set to zero, he made a joke that wasn’t that bad compared to what they were talking about but if I’m really honest it does say you’re very different humour wise as others would probably have laughed and elbowed him but it upset you

What he said doesn't even make sense, does it?

Have you shoved stuff up your wrong’un after a bottomless brunch? That’s the only way this is something to feel embarrassed about.

How was your reaction when he said it?

It’s the sort of joke my friends and I, and their partners, would make about one another if on that topic. Just purely as a joke; no one would take it seriously. But if someone got very flustered over it then we’d be thinking maybe we hit a nerve there…

Given her role in the NHS she will have seen a lot that will never crop up in most people's lives.
Her H and your DP are obviously used to dealing with what she says about her job by making it a joke.
It's not my way of talking and it's obviously not yours but I'm failing to see why you are feeling humiliated.

You sound as though you might have a stick wedged up there.

Complete joke, OTT reaction. If my husband said this in a jokey conversation the natural comeback would be something like:
'we all know who is most likely to get something stuck in their arse...speaking of which can you explain where our cucumber has disappeared to, hmmm, hmmm".... queue everyone laughing and pointing at my husband.
Give as good as you get and you'll come out on top instead of going in a mood about a jokey comment.

Such a non issue, I'd had laughed at this and not given it a second thought.

The correct answer would be:
’Well how else are we supposed to smuggle the Prosecco home?!’
or
’Given you’re a total arsehole, they’d probably pull a whole sofa out of your bum!’

Poss he was trying to make sure you were included in the conversation. He also may have wanted to make you sound more fun, as you’re coming across as a bit uptight.

Sorry OP, but I’m mostly with your DP. I hesitate to say this given the subject matter, but you really need to unclench. Your husband made a slightly crass remark after you’d all had a few drinks, now let it go.

Non issue just a joke but I think your reaction is more concerning as it just makes it seem you're not well suited together as a couple thats the sort of thing my partner would say if I hadn't of said it first and I would laugh and say something funny back. But if you're quite serious and he finds things like that funny and winding you up thats quite significantly different personality types.

"She mentioned people turning up at A&E with items lodged in their bum. DP’s friend commented along the lines of he doesn’t know what would posses anyone to do that sort of thing.

DP then turned to me and said ‘you should see what she’s like when she gets home from bottomless brunch with her friends’ and burst out laughing."

So basically he gave this couple the impression that when drunk, you shove things up your anus.

Yeah, I'd be pretty fucked off with him.

Sounds like a daft drunken comment. You honestly think the other couple now think that’s what you do all the time?

Oh dear.

I wouldn't be embarrassed; you've done nothing wrong. If the comment were true it might be a violation of your privacy, but if it's not it just sounds weird and kind of desperate. I'd be wary (1) that he's eager to make a joke, even a pretty poor one, at your expense - had he nothing real to contribute on the topic, and if not then did he have to say anything at all? And (2) more importantly, you've told him you're significantly upset and he's dismissed your feelings because (he thinks he) wouldn't have felt that way if the roles were reversed. The two of you ARE going to have different feelings and values and opinions and expectations because you're different people. If he can't try to understand how the incident affected YOU (not him), he may lack the empathy and compromise skills necessary for a good relationship. Only you know if this is a one-off or a sign of a larger problem, though.

You're totally OTT in your reaction. I would have nudged him and made a joke back at his expense. I shouldn't think that they are actually Imagining you shove things up your bum!

Sure it’s a bit crass but I don’t think the group believe you put objects up your bum after a few Prosecco’s. Bit juvenile but no big deal UNLESS he has form for putting you down socially

You say you were all a bit tipsy - things get said in jest. I'd forget about it if it's not his normal banter.

making me the butt of their joke 😂

It's a stupid joke, but "humiliated"? lighten up

Be realistic, if someone makes a sour face and get offended after a stupid (and crass) joke , it means that's it's true 😂

Omg 😭😭😭 I didnt even think

Maybe the op's husband isnt so bad after all 😅

I think you just have mismatched humour. My husband and I would say things like that all the time about each other. Whoever comes up with the quickest joke would make it first! Is it maybe because you don’t know the other couple well that you couldn’t just laugh it off or give a similar joke back to him? Or do you just not find that sort of thing funny? I would have responded with something like “I learned from the best! You taught me well!” And everyone laughs. No one actually would think you shove things up your arse after a drink. If you just don’t find that sort of humour funny then I guess you’ll have to talk with him and see if you are well matched in life. I have a friend that if I said that about her would just stare at me and say “well obviously I don’t do that.” She just doesn’t get jokes like that. AT ALL. (I’m not even convinced she knows I’m actually joking either). We have wildly different sense of humours. So I just don’t make jokes like that around/towards her.