Stag do, 4 nights, abroad, 4 month old baby

[PeachySmile2]

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

How is he normally? Is he supportive/ does his share?

How is baby / your recovery?

What’s your support network like?

My DH went on a stag when my son was 3 months. I was a bit anxious and fed up beforehand, but it was completely fine, I was more settled as a mum by that point & was in a bit of a routine. My dad and my in laws visited to keep me company & give me a bit of a break.

Honestly it was easier than solo parenting my 15 month old last week when DH was on a work trip.

I personally think this would depend upon how close he is to the groom and what your financial situation is.

If you are struggling financially, then yes completely unreasonable. If it is just someone he knows through another friend and is only going to make up numbers again completely unreasonable.

On the other hand, if you are okay financially and it is one of his best friends I personally would cut my husband some slack.

Your mum might be more help than him. It might be easier to have a few days without him.

I honestly can’t see it as a big deal - as long as when the time comes that you want to go away for a break with friends, then the time and funds are available for you too.

Baby isn’t due until Feb 2026, sorry should have said. So no idea yet what we are letting ourselves in for.

He has been great since we’ve found out about baby. Started cleaning the kitchen and cooking for us more than usual. Working harder than ever at work.

I am just worried about coping on my own. My mum probably would come to stay if I asked her but maybe not for the 4 nights! She works full time too and lives 2 hours away. His mum lives a 20 min drive away but does not drive - his dad would drop her off.

My little one was 12 weeks old when my husband went on an abroad stag do. My mum came and stayed, realistically I’d have been fine without, but it was nice to have the company!

I’d agree with what someone else said, much much easier and relaxing at that age than if/when he goes on one when they’re toddler age or a little older!

Get a grip!

Time away from a baby should work both ways. You have zero idea what trips you'll want to take.

He's going on a stag not emigrating to Australia.

I say this as a 30 weeks pregnant, full time working capable woman.

If the birth goes well and you and baby are healthy, it's not a big issue in my book. Dh was travelling for work straight after his paternity leave, we didn't have any family around. We found our way.

Stop panicking. You will be fine for 4 nights on your own. But by all means ask somebody to stay to help out.

I hate to say it, but I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. Especially if it’s a one-off thing for a close friend.

My baby is three months old and I’ve had no issues with my husband going a way for work, so a stag do would also be fine. We also have a 2yo and a 4yo and the middle one is much more tricky than the baby!

I think you'll be fine, by that stage I was well into a little groove. I probably would have quite enjoyed it!

I have no idea what it will be like to have a 4 month old, hence the nerves and worry. This is why I have asked for honest opinions, even if they differ to mine.

You did not have to be so rude.

I think it’s fine, especially if you have family help. I don’t think holidays with friends have to stop when you’re a parent. At one of my friends hen do’s, her friend came and left her 4 month old baby home with dad. She was still bf but baby did take a bottle. She was always going to the toilet to pump and dump! I didn’t view her as selfish, she just wanted to share in a good friend’s hen do. Same for your partner.

This would not have bothered me, at all.

If the child was going to be 4 weeks - no way, but 4 months if you have some other help should be fine. You'll be into a routine by then.

I think yabu. You'll be fine and might even enjoy having the time just you and baby.

Take time to relax whilst DH is away... concentrate on looking after yourself and baby, order takeaways, don't worry about housework and spend the time enjoying your lo

Then, when you feel ready, have dh take baby whilst you have some time away with friends. Might be an afternoon, might be overnight, might be a few nights, whatever you are ready for at that point.

I think its important parents and couples take time to do things separately and are supported by their spouse to do so as long as it is reciprocated.

Every baby is different but around 4 months - usually - if no issues like reflux etc babies are a bit more settled, sleeping longer stretches and feeding well. Mine had largely passed the cluster feeding stage by then and I was up feeding when I went to bed & maybe twice during the night. When DH was away I just went to bed at 8pm, cuddled baby & watched rubbish tv! Accept help that’s offered even if it’s just company or someone to hold baby so you can shower. If your husband is a good partner and dad he will make sure you get a break at some point too when you’re ready.

When the time comes make sure he’s done his bit beforehand, done a couple of the night wakes if possible so you get some decent sleep in before he goes & leaves you with a full fridge, some treats and lots of appreciation for you!

Thank you all for your replies, I feel a bit more reassured hearing that it won’t be as difficult as I think it will be. I will have a chat with my partner and hopefully we can arrange some family support over a few of those days.

Personally stag do, wedding, important birthdays etc I think are ok. Weekend away for the sake of it are where I draw the line. Those can wait. Although now 2 kids in.....DH could do away 1 week after and I wouldn't particular care.

DH went to a couple of long weekend stag dos (min 3 nights sometimes more) and overnights the night before weddings in the first 6 months - one at 3 weeks post birth.

Our deal was to make sure the everything is stocked up (nappies/milk/food), batch cook meals for the freezer or arrange for a takeaway to be delivered, clean and tidy house and all washing is done. Basically so I could just exist in the house and do nothing apart from look after baby.
I also did a hen do at 6 weeks post baby for a weekend and left DH with the baby.

Sometimes sole parenting is so much easier. You do things on your timeline, not having to worry about anyone else getting involved or wanting to do different things.

Think positive. It will be fine and will go quickly. Maybe have some people you can call on if needed but you probably wouldn't need them. Sometimes just having a back up plan is enough to get you through

Responses on MN to these sorts of questions always sound a bit like ‘I’ve done it before, you will be fine, let him go and enjoy, and then it’s your turn next 😉 go have a break’. I remember seeing a lot of that when my baby was small and feeling like utter shit cos I absolutely COULD NOT have done 4 nights (5 days?) with our 4 month old back then without at least a second pair of hands, but realistically I needed proper meaningful HELP. Our baby never slept, never stopped crying and was so bloody hard work. I was exhausted, still recovering from a difficult birth, low on iron, deep, deep in the thick of it and this would have finished me off. I also didn’t want a ‘break’ aka go on my friends abroad hen do’s and leave my breastfed baby at home crying for me? My baby wouldn’t let me out of his sight. I think it’s fair enough that both parents have a similar experience during those early days rather than running off sunning it up with mates. Exception maybe if it’s literally his brother’s stag do in which case maybe he could go for half the time? 2 nights is much more do-able!
So I’m completely with you and just wanted to warn you that the responses on here always lean the other way, but don’t think for a second that representative of everyone! Just seems an unusual culture on here for that….

Sorry op, YABU.

YABU. I get it though - it's your first baby and that's a big deal, it's the unknown and the uncertainty that makes you nervous. But please don't let it stop you both, either of you, from seeing your friends and celebrating their (and your) lives with them just because you'll have a baby. The baby will grow. Your friends will hopefully always be your friends.

Also it's 4 days. Have you got family around that can help out if need be? Lean on your village to get your through. You can do it.

Will you be on Mat leave?

yabu.

Kindly yabu. At this stage it seems big but when baby is here and things are settled you probably won't realize he has gone. Just remember this and get your own time out when you ready for it.

With my first I would feel the exact same as you. My husband went on a 3 night stag when our second was 6 weeks and the other was 2.5. I wouldn’t have been able to do it with my first as she was a terrible sleeper and I’d have just not been happy not having the extra Support bug this time it was absolutely fine. He booked on at the last minute though as I said no we have to see how it is at the time and he completely understood that.