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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just be pissed off with DH for approaching sex in this way

60 replies

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:30

I don’t know if I’m giving him a short shrift, or if I’m right to be pissed off. We’ve been together 12 years, have a 3yo DD and currently going to fortnightly marriage counselling as we’ve been through a lot.

Sex has been on the back burner for a long time.. I think the last time was December, and we haven’t spoken about it since aside from saying in counselling we both want it, we’ve just lost our way. We agreed to go on a date night etc and slowly see where it goes.

Anyway today he was off. I’m WFH. I’m going through a lot at the moment, at risk of redundancy, my heads just a bit all over the place. He’s obviously in the mood, grabbing my bum as he walks past etc which he hasn’t done in a really long time.

I came down for a cup of tea midafternoon, and he says ‘let’s have a quickie’. I said I’m really not in the mood, and I’m upset that’s how you approach it after this long of not even speaking about it. He then follows up with ‘well just flash me then’. I’m really upset. Ffs. I didn’t, I just said I was going back up to the office. I just thought we were slowly rebuilding things, and now I feel like he’s not taking it seriously. I will speak to him later obviously, just needed to rant.

YABU - you’re being hormonal and a bit shitty
YANBU - that was a bit grim

OP posts:
Foxworth · 05/06/2025 17:32

Sounds like he sees you as a sexual object rather than a human. He’d have done better if he’d made you lunch and chatted to you than groping you. Sounds gross.

JacquesHarlow · 05/06/2025 17:34

I mean it is by most people's standards a bit grim.

However -

Have you made it clear to him what would make you feel more 'right' for this?

Or is it really the case that the "been through a lot" is still at the forefront of your mind, therefore it is a long way to go before sex is on the cards again?

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:34

That’s it @Foxworth except we’ve had 6 months of seeing me as anything but. I’m just pissed off with the whole situation.

OP posts:
Disco2022 · 05/06/2025 17:37

It could be that he's gross or maybe it was just a bad attempt at humour, made worse by the flashing comment which might have been an attempt at humerously deflecting the rejection. Is it typical of him?
When it's been that long it's such a balance between scheduling in a session and just getting over the hurdle of actually doing it (if you both want to) and trying to keep it spontaneous. But whenever I've been that long without sex I never think I am really in the mood because I kind of forget what being in the mood felt like. (Iyswim)

Disco2022 · 05/06/2025 17:37

Made worse sorry!

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:39

Yes, maybe it’s just thrown me and made me feel like we’re on completely different wavelengths again.

We will sit down and have a conversation later, as our therapist is so keen on communication. But I also appreciate I’m in a bit of a crap place and was maybe a bit harsh - I definitely rejected quickly. I was just so thrown.

I just think.. we haven’t even kissed properly in months and you go straight to flashing?!

OP posts:
SoScarletItWas · 05/06/2025 17:40

Yes he’s crude and too 0-60 for that approach to work, but you’ve agreed you want more sex.

How about instead of speaking to him later, why don’t you follow up on his cues tonight, whether that looks like flirting or cuddling in bed, and try and get in the mood? Apparently women are more likely to have ‘responsive desire’ whereas he was doing a typical male ‘spontaneous desire’ thing.

He was crude. But he’s tried to ‘break the dearth’. Give it a try tonight.

Then when the pressure is off and the crudeness has passed, you can bring up how you WANT him to signal in future.

(I don’t know the answer to that, btw, as my DH can get a bit schoolboy FNAR FNAR OH LOOK TITS and I haven’t found a way to tell him that really doesn’t do it for me…)

MissDoubleU · 05/06/2025 17:42

If he can’t even kiss you.. I mean. It’s not fucking rocket science is it?? It shouldn’t be this hard. He isn’t even trying.

Do youmthink he’s using porn? This happens a lot, men use porn and get instant satisfaction and can’t be bothered with the whole ordeal of sex. The fact he wants just a quickie or a flash is a bit of a red flag for these things

GreyCarpet · 05/06/2025 17:42

It sounds like it's something you both want but neither of you really knows how to go about it.

We will sit down and have a conversation later, as our therapist is so keen on communication.

This makes it sound like you disagree?

Goingncforthisone · 05/06/2025 17:43

Yes it was a clumsy attempt to initiate something, but sounds like you're both in an awkward place with it now, as it's gone so long.

Ponderingwindow · 05/06/2025 17:45

You both agree that your sex life isn’t working. He tried something. Was it perfect? Absolutely not. But he tried something.

if you can take a minute to acknowledge to him that you appreciate the effort, even though it didn’t really work for you, it will go a long way to improving your communication.

You both need to be able to try new ways of tackling this issue and some of them are going to fail. If the other person treats the attempts harshly, there is no hope.

Superscientist · 05/06/2025 17:47

I went through redundancy in Feb and definitely didn't have the headspace for sex then. I was just too preoccupied to relax into the moment that was without intimacy issues.

We went through a long dry patch after having my daughter, a difficult pregnancy followed by pnd. It was a lean 2-3 years and it did take time to get back into the swing of things and on the same page but that kind of proposition wouldn't have helped! Especially the flash me comment, it just adds to the idea that intimacy is about him and not you as a couple.
What did help us through that patch was day time intimacy on days we were both working from home but by that I mean gentle touching, cuddles, kissing and making time to have lunch together. The feel of another person's touch made more of a difference and it helped whilst I was going through my pnd and redundancy too.

I think he probably got the message today about what you don't want but maybe next time rather than a flat no you could counter with could you hold me/cuddle me/ and so on. When we did start to get more intimate it usually started along those lines on days when it felt right to move further

Meadowfinch · 05/06/2025 17:50

Well, he's certainly not a class act, is he !! Has he forgotten how to help you relax? As @MissDoubleU says, it's not rocket science.

Does he ever bring you a post-5.30 glass of wine or offer to run you a bath? He might get further...

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:52

Thanks everyone, I do see it was an attempt, a clumsy one. Honestly I panicked, we haven’t been that way in so long it feels so unnatural, but I realise in order to get to a better place we have to get back on the horse, so to speak. Although I will be saying I need a bit more romancing than.. that.

Our intimacy has been improving, slowly. We cuddle more, talk more. It just really caught me off guard today after such a long dry spell.

I really appreciate all of your comments and insight. I definitely want to get back to the place we were, it just feels a lifetime away at the moment.

OP posts:
proximalhumerous · 05/06/2025 17:56

I would be equally unimpressed that after six months his best suggestion is a very male-orientated approach which is unlikely to provide either intimacy or sexual satisfaction for the woman. He may as well have a wank.

Dweetfidilove · 05/06/2025 17:59

Sounds like a shabby attempt from him.

What have your tactics been towards getting back to sex?

I can't imagine more talking is that 'sexy '.

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 18:02

I’ll be honest.. I haven’t made any moves yet. Bar one sort of heated kiss on holiday a few weeks ago after a few cocktails, that didn’t lead anywhere because DD was asleep in our room.

I don’t even know how to anymore. MIL has offered to have DD overnight, which we will take her up on but then it’s like the bloody pressure. I hate that we’ve let it go on this long and now it’s a thing.

It takes two to tango.. but we’re making a bit of a hash of it

OP posts:
senua · 05/06/2025 18:15

Ponderingwindow · 05/06/2025 17:45

You both agree that your sex life isn’t working. He tried something. Was it perfect? Absolutely not. But he tried something.

if you can take a minute to acknowledge to him that you appreciate the effort, even though it didn’t really work for you, it will go a long way to improving your communication.

You both need to be able to try new ways of tackling this issue and some of them are going to fail. If the other person treats the attempts harshly, there is no hope.

I agree with this.

We will sit down and have a conversation later
This sounds like hard work. Can't you raise it quickly whilst making dinner or doing some other task - a grown up version of talking to teenagers in the car (no eye contact, no pressure but no escapeGrin)
Raise the subject without being too heavy. Baby steps and all that.

gannett · 05/06/2025 18:18

How did he use to approach sex? Back when you both wanted to have it? Maybe that's a good starting point to go back to.

Also it strikes me that his attempt to initiate got worse and worse. Physical touch is, I think, an acceptable way to initiate. "Fancy a quickie" is not romantic but if you're both in a good place it can be funny and do the job. The flashing line... urgh. I can't work out whether he was trying to salvage it or sabotage it.

ohyesido · 05/06/2025 18:23

I’m sorry but that made me laugh a bit. Why don’t you seduce him instead, take the spotlight off his ham fisted approach and show him what you want?

ohyesido · 05/06/2025 18:25

“Give us a flash” indeed what does he think you are a stripper? Give him short shrift or a lap dance

S0j0urn4r · 05/06/2025 18:27

Following the counselling could it be his really shit attempt at trying to get things going?

Todayisaday · 05/06/2025 18:32

Well that kind of talk is fine if you are in a good place and you are both messing about. But it seems innapropriate in your circumstances, like bring the romance back first and connect properly. That kind of banter is for couples completely happy in their sexuality as a couple and are messing about.

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 18:43

Thanks everyone, I am maybe being a little unfair as he has really tried since we started counselling - well, we both have. I think that’s why it took me by surprise today, it was so left field. In the past we were playful, but maybe he’s just assumed we could go straight back there and completely misread the room.

Counselling has been really good for us in lots of ways it’s just this last hurdle separating us from being a married couple and friends, essentially. I do realise I can’t just sit and wait hoping it’s going to fix itself though.

OP posts:
Sherararara · 05/06/2025 18:50

Well at least he’s trying…