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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

454 replies

Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:20

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 28/05/2025 07:21

This is all really weird! How long have you been together?

BurnTheWholeThingDown · 28/05/2025 07:23

Do you mean his 14th birthday party?

Because if you are both any older than teenagers this is deeply fucked up and I would run a mile from him and his mother.

SapporoBaby · 28/05/2025 07:23

Very strange. Sounds like his mum doesnt like you or something. I’d just ask her if you’re invited.

Arquebuse · 28/05/2025 07:25

This relationship doesn’t sound as if it’s at all functional. The MIL is irrelevant.

sesquipedalian · 28/05/2025 07:28

I take it his mother doesn’t like you? You text to ask about birthday plans: she doesn’t reply; you organise something for your DP’s birthday and then have to undo it all to avoid a family ruction; she then arranges something and wants to cut you out of it!! The fact that his friend’s GF has been in touch with you says that it is not an exclusively family party. How long have you and your DP been together - do you live together? Does his mother not regard you as a fixture in her son’s life? OP, I’d phone your DP’s mother and say that you are wondering about what’s happening for his birthday especially as you have cancelled the originally planned party, and see what she says.

KumquatHigh · 28/05/2025 07:30

Yes, all,of that is weird.

You asking your boyfriend’s mother what she was doing for his birthday, instead of asking him.
Expecting her to ‘confront’ you.
Not wanting to upset him so not telling him what is going on.

DrummingMousWife · 28/05/2025 07:31

End this now - you’ll avoid a world of pain later on.

Original poster
Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:31

sesquipedalian · 28/05/2025 07:28

I take it his mother doesn’t like you? You text to ask about birthday plans: she doesn’t reply; you organise something for your DP’s birthday and then have to undo it all to avoid a family ruction; she then arranges something and wants to cut you out of it!! The fact that his friend’s GF has been in touch with you says that it is not an exclusively family party. How long have you and your DP been together - do you live together? Does his mother not regard you as a fixture in her son’s life? OP, I’d phone your DP’s mother and say that you are wondering about what’s happening for his birthday especially as you have cancelled the originally planned party, and see what she says.

Nearly 3 years

OP posts:
cyvguhb · 28/05/2025 07:33

What does your boyfriend say in all of this, haven't you had any conversations about whether you'll be doing anything for his birthday

How fancy is the surprise place that it needs outfit plans?

Noshadelamp · 28/05/2025 07:33

Why did you think the mother would have been organising something for his 40th?

Did you invite the mother? Not saying you should have but perhaps she was offended first about being asked if she was doing anything, taking the question as an expectation, then at you going ahead and not inviting her.
I mean if she liked you before, she's obviously offended or hurt at something enough to not invite you.

I think you need to say something to her, not by text, ring her or meet up to clear the air and find out what's going on.

cheddercherry · 28/05/2025 07:34

Surely you would have to address with your boyfriend that you won’t be at his 40th birthday because his mum obviously dislikes you?

Really this relationship isn’t going to go that far if his entire family excludes you and he’s just there in the middle either oblivious or uncaring ?

NeedToChangeName · 28/05/2025 07:34

The party his mum is planning isn't a surprise

And she already told you (1) she's arranging something and (2) the date

Won't she be expecting her son / your partner to share details with you?

GCAcademic · 28/05/2025 07:34

Had you invited his mother when you were making plans for his birthday?

IncandescentWave · 28/05/2025 07:35

How long have you been together? Do you live together? The fact you have his mum's number suggests something of a serious relationship. Is your relationship with her normally good or has it always been strained? It could be that she just genuinely forgot - my friend recently arranged an event for me (albeit not a surprise event) and forgot to invite my mum...

As an aside, why are both you and your boyfriend's mum going behind the back of a 40 year old man to plan his birthday, with seemingly zero input from or consultation with him about what he wants to do? If I or my MIL did this to my DH he'd be fuming; he hates surprises and hates a fuss being made of him. The fact you're both trying to organise surprise parties for him suggests he possibly hasn't been forthcoming himself in making celebration plans, and maybe there's a good reason for that?

Squarepuffin · 28/05/2025 07:36

How is it a surprise party if his mother has complained to him about you organising something else on the date?

What does he want to do for his birthday?

Noshadelamp · 28/05/2025 07:39

NeedToChangeName · 28/05/2025 07:34

The party his mum is planning isn't a surprise

And she already told you (1) she's arranging something and (2) the date

Won't she be expecting her son / your partner to share details with you?

Yes thiis. Where's the son in all this?
The mother rang the son shouting about it, so now he knows op was arranging something and that she is, but what does he say about all this? It's all so weird.

MerrionMiriam · 28/05/2025 07:39

Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t planning your child’s 40th super odd in itself!? Why did you ask her if she had? It makes me wonder whether the delay was a reaction to your question. In asking her if she’d planned something maybe she thought she shoukd have so went ahead? Something doesn’t stack up here.

Viviennemary · 28/05/2025 07:40

A red flag would be your mother organising your 40th birthday party. Is that weird or is it just me. But there does seem to be communication difficulties. Taking two weeks to reply to a message. Why didn't you just ring her up.

EggnogNoggin · 28/05/2025 07:40

Who is organising the party? The mother?

You need to go directly to her via text and when you get her reply, drag your boyfriend into the mess she has made.

She is being spiteful and you need to tell your boyfriend even if it ruins the surprise because presumably after 3 years he loves you and would be gutted to get there and realise you've been deliberately shunned?

If I went to a party and my boyfriend of 3 years hadn't been invited out of spite I'd be leaving on the spot because what sort of arsehole does that??

Bubblesgun · 28/05/2025 07:41

Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:20

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

Why oh why did you text her?
when my BF (now husband) turned 40 i organised a party and invited his family and his and our friends.
i know you thought about doing the right thing by asking his mum first, but you should take ownership if you re both adults and in an adult relationship.

with all due respect

Ohrainyrainy · 28/05/2025 07:42

Funny how your BF hardly features in this drama, other than it being his birthday, but he manages come over as a spinless character who sits back allows the women in his life to organise it for him.and squabble over him.

I would be very wary of getting further involved with a 40 year old man whose mother is so involved in his life that she takes it upon herself to still organise his birthdays for him even though he has been in a relationship for 3 years.

Sauvin · 28/05/2025 07:42

But you know there’s a party and you know when it is. I don’t see that as not being invited? Just go with your boyfriend!

DinoLil · 28/05/2025 07:43

Ask his friend's girlfriend when and where the party is and just go anyway.

EggnogNoggin · 28/05/2025 07:43

Amd why is his mother acting like an overbearing bitch and your boyfriend siding with her (inferred from you saying she phoned and you cancelled plans to appease your boyfriend). Thats a red flag in itself.

If he's turning 40 and you want the marriage and kids stuff, put him in the bin because you don't need this drama for your future kid.

Ryeman · 28/05/2025 07:43

Is the girlfriend talking about the event you organised without realising you cancelled it?