Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Who pays for a baby shower?

38 replies

Firstbaby129 · 31/05/2024 18:50

I think context is important here so I hope I explain well.

I have always loved hosting and always covered all costs associated. However, apart from best friend (BF), this isn’t reciprocated. Whilst my friendship group are all 29-32, I’m the first married and having a baby. We all live in London or nearby (I’m the furthest out).

For birthdays etc, I will always cover the costs if I host. If we agree to go for a meal then everyone pays for themselves. I don’t have a large friendship group, but individual friends who have got to know each other due to birthdays, hens, overlapping circles etc.

I usually don’t “get” baby showers, they felt like mothers meetings to me. But I have seen such lovely celebrations other people have had on social media and felt sad. My BF and I agreed it would be nice to celebrate in my own way. This means just having a meal or something in celebration of the baby but not centring everything on those games you play, but just a general celebration with some baby chat thrown in - men allowed.

I decided to host in London city as to not inconvenience anyone but myself. BF has found a venue with a nice space and we can have a chilled Sunday afternoon with food and drink. However, I would feel aggrieved to cover the bill. I’m happy to pay a chunk towards food/drink, Bf has offered to cover the deposit (which I won’t agree to), but if friends eat meals I want them to pay for themselves as I’ve always had to do. This would be upfront so up to them to come and I wouldn’t expect gifts.

Is this entirely unreasonable?

YABU - you should always pay.
YANBU - as long as they know, it’s reasonable.

OP posts:

CupofTeaforWe · 31/05/2024 18:54

If you're hosting your own Baby shower and inviting people, I would expect that you were paying for the celebrations. If your friends were organising it for You (most common IMO) they would all pay for themselves.

IdontlikePinaColada · 31/05/2024 18:58

Honestly, if you don't care whether they come, then don't invite them.

entiredayfighting · 31/05/2024 19:00

I don't get baby showers either. I think it's an American thing is it not? I wouldn't want to celebrate a baby until it's arrived safely.
Alternatively you could just send a group message "anyone fancy joining us for Sunday lunch? Found a nice venue. It's £** a head.

Grumpynan · 31/05/2024 19:01

I don’t know much about baby shower but I thought it was normal for a BF to host and I assume cover cost ? My DIL only has a few friends in her group and was very young (20) with first child and seemed upset when no one offered to throw one for her, not even her mum. So I offered and she seemed to be so happy one of my better ideas 🥰. Just her few close friends her mum didn’t want to come 🙄, snack/buffet and silly girl talk no games. Tbh I just hosted but left them to it.

so in answer to your question, I would ask your friend to do the invites and to arrange for those eating that they cover their own costs. Perhaps you/her provide a cake as desert

5128gap · 31/05/2024 19:02

entiredayfighting · 31/05/2024 19:00

This. A baby shower by its nature is for people to give you gifts. In return, you should host them. If you don't want to host and don't want gifts then you need to think of a new name for your event.

Isitisit · 31/05/2024 19:03

If friends are not having to travel etc then I think it’s reasonable to cover basic costs and then get then to cover their meal if not too expensive.

DH and I are planning a ‘meet the baby’, rather than baby shower in a town near us. Because quite a few people will have to travel we are thinking to organise sharing type food and put a small amount behind the bar, anything else people want they can get themselves but what we provide should be enough so they don’t have to.

JurassicFantastic · 31/05/2024 19:03

If you have a baby shower, you pay. If you don't want to pay for food, don't have food and just provide some cakes or similar.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/05/2024 19:03

I didn't vote because what you are planning is not really a baby shower, which would usually be at your house or a female relative or friend's house, where friends bring gifts for the baby. You are just planning a nice lunch out with friends before the baby arrives, so I would just call it that and everyone can pay for their own meal as usual.

meditrina · 31/05/2024 19:07

You should never host your own baby shower.

It's a specific type of events where the guests "shower" the honouree with gifts. Hosting your own is saying "gimme"

If you want to host a non-shower party to celebrate your soon-to-arrive baby, don't call it a shower, and you as host pick up the tab.

If you want a shower, and don't wat to look grabby, then you have to nudge someone else to host it. It is then their role to sort out costs between herself as host and the other guests

Lavender14 · 31/05/2024 19:07

That's a tough one op. In the past when my friendship group has done this we've just covered the cost between us unless the person we're celebrating chooses somewhere very extravagant then they'd pay for themselves. Any baby showers we've done recently we've had at someone's house and everyone has brought something eg drinks/buns/ cake/sandwiches so noone was paying for everything. Its tricky because really it's your bfs place to talk to your other friends and discuss splitting it amongst everyone but you can't really ask her to do that.

I agree with others, tell everyone you don't want all the faff of a baby shower, but you would like to spend a bit of time with the people you care about before baby arrives and things get busy so would people like to meet for lunch at x place, here's the menu it costs approx £x for a main.

Foolmetentimes · 31/05/2024 19:09

I paid for my own baby shower because I felt it was a bit rude/awkward to basically tell my best friend she had to stump up money to celebrate me! People buy gifts in return

Powderblue1 · 31/05/2024 19:12

I think if you're going by or a meal most people would expect to pay for themselves. Can you nominate a friend to distribute invites on your behalf and give everyone a heads up, maybe send the menu ahead and ask for deposits?

Messymumm · 31/05/2024 19:12

I’ve been to a couple of baby showers. I’ve had to pay for my food. This was prepaid as it was afternoon tea. I don’t think close friends or family would begrudge paying and if they do they can chose not to attend. I also bought a gift.

nimski · 31/05/2024 19:12

Had an afternoon tea for mine (in London) everyone happily paid for themselves. Didn't have one 2nd time round!

YouveGotAFastCar · 31/05/2024 19:13

I’ve only ever been to one baby shower, and it was clear on the invite that everyone was paying for themselves and what the price was.

The person hosting paid for the decorations and I think the space was free with X number of people attending. Most of us took presents, but some didn’t; which was fine.

leopardski · 31/05/2024 19:19

My mum and sister organised and paid for mine (extremely kind of them!) including cake and buffet, and guests just turned up with gifts, they just had to pay for any drinks at the bar.

I hosted my sisters at my parents house so again me and Mum covered all costs. I’ve been to a few and never had to pay when not hosting, I’ve just bought a gift - but if you’re planning more of a meal I’d just be upfront about the plans.

Lenoftheglen · 31/05/2024 19:24

Baby showers are hosted by others.

The mum to be just turns up.

As you have part organised it then you probably should pay.

I honestly think this is a US tradition that shouldn't have been exported based on so many posts regarding questioning the etiquette.

ETA. Many posters seem to feel it's fine to pay for themselves to attend a baby shower. I am not sure what that is but it isn't remotely like a US baby shower.

AverageJoan · 31/05/2024 19:25

When I had mine the guests paid for their own food/drinks

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 31/05/2024 19:29

Why are you organising your own baby shower?
Why are you paying for every birthday or celebration you organise? Why do you not share the costs with the other guests (minus the guest of honour, everyone else covers the cost for that person)
Your friend has offered to pay the deposit and you "won't allow it". Why not?

If it's a party thrown for you then you don't contribute. If you are throwing a party for yourself you either cover all costs or you let it be known that you are arranging a meal. All welcome and all will be paying their own meals.

Lenoftheglen · 31/05/2024 19:32

AverageJoan · 31/05/2024 19:25

When I had mine the guests paid for their own food/drinks

Not a baby shower then.

GalileoHumpkins · 31/05/2024 19:32

Bf has offered to cover the deposit (which I won’t agree to)

Why not? Honestly, you sound a bit pissy about the whole thing so why are you even bothering?

CammoMammo · 31/05/2024 19:34

If you’re expecting gifts, which is the actual point of a baby shower (shower with gifts), then you should not also expect guests to pay for their food.

If you just want people to celebrate your pregnancy, don’t call it a baby shower and make sure they know they’re expected to pay for their own lunch.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 31/05/2024 19:36

It sounds like you've set a precedence of throwing parties and covering all costs. So now people think any part you're arranging (including this one) you'll cover all costs.

Just be clear. Those who want to go will go and happily buy their own meal. Those who don't, won't.

NoTouch · 31/05/2024 19:37

You are hosting an event where people are expected to ”shower” you with baby gifts. You pay.

Otherwise just ask friends if they fancy a catch up / night out and don’t call it a baby shower.

FellowshipOfTheBing · 31/05/2024 19:43

I'm going to go against the grain here and say guests pay for their own food.

I've been to two baby showers that are as you described. More of a send of and good wishes for the mother to be rather than traditional games and loads of gifts. In each all guests paid for their own food and drink.

Not a single guest in either seemed to bat an eyelid at this. The invite was clear-no gifts but just one last big ladies lunch before drowning in nappies. Perfect! Everyone had a wonderful time

Maybe rename it in the invitations?

Flip

1 2