To do anything after being ghosted by friend.

[Isitcoffeetime]

I’ve been ghosted by a friend in a bizarre way. We were whatsapping; catching up and trying to arrange a date to meet up.

We were messaging back and forth, she sent me a fairly long message with lots of questions, life updates, it was her usual tone and contained emojis (she uses these a lot). I replied 30 minutes later, with a similar length and tone message, everything felt normal.

Then she never replied, I gave it a week or two and followed up with something lighthearted like “Hey xx, how are you doing? I hope that you and DC are ok? Do any of the dates that I suggested on my last message work for you to meet up?”, she read the message within an hour, yet didn’t respond to that one either.

In the meantime, I’ve been ‘reacting’ to her social media exactly as I usually would, yet she’s stopped engaging with mine (previously she would ‘love’ my Instagram stories, or reply to them with comments etc), also she’s been putting some quotes about friendships on her Instagram stories- ‘as you get older, your circle gets smaller’- that sort of thing.

I’m very clearly being ghosted. I’m sad about it, but also I accept that people can choose who they want to be friends with, maybe she feels that we’ve outgrown each other.

BUT, I’m wondering whether I should reach out again or leave it? My pride says I should leave it, she’s ignored two messages and by reaching out again I might make her feel uncomfortable or she might reply with her reasons, which could be hurtful to me, on the other hand, if I don’t reach out again is it also my fault for not ‘trying harder’.

YABU - contact her again

YANBU - leave it, move on

So not to drip feed, it’s been about 2.5 months since she last replied, when we were having the WhatsApp conversation.

We’ve been friends for about 20 years.

Theres another friend that she’s not talking to, that I’m still friends with, she disliked this and said that I was taking sides, when in reality I was trying to stay neutral and be friends with both.

It's a difficult one and I've been in a similar situation with a long-term friend ghosting me out of the blue. We weren't active on social media like you are but we used to message each other and had been on good terms when she just stopped speaking. Why does she not like the other friend? Is it possible that the other one has tried stirring things up? You could try asking once more if the other friend has done anything, but then leave it after that. I think it's really selfish to ghost someone and I know if my former friend got back in touch with me now after ghosting me, our friendship would never be the same as she destroyed my trust and I'd be expecting her to do it again in the future.

I've not voted because I think it really depends on how much you value the friendship and how much the loss of it means to you.
On the one hand you say you have been friends for 20 years so the friendship has stood the test of time so far.
On the other hand you seem to think she is willing to give up the friendship because you are still friendly with someone she doesn't like. That does come over as her being a bit childish.

I think if the friendship really means something to you I would have one last try and phone her and ask her if anything is wrong/ is there a reason for her apparently ghosting you. If she refuses to speak to you or is unpleasant fair enough. You will know definitely where you stand.
If however losing her friendship is not a big deal for you then you could just not bother trying to speak to her and leave it to her to make a move if she wishes.

If she's not prone to over dramatics usually, I'd say she's heard something that you're supposed to have said or done.

I'd call her and ask how she is and if there's a problem/what it is.

I wonder whether it's worth an empathic but open message. I went silent on friends once because my dp was having MH issues and it was just easier to compartmentalise. I wonder whether there is something going on in her life that is causing distress?

However, you need to protect yourself too so perhaps one message with the acceptance that if she doesn't reply, she's suggesting she no longer wants a relationship.

"Hey X, I hope that you're okay. It's been so long since we've seen each other / spoken. Miss you!
Just to say I hope everything is okay. It really would be lovely to catch up, even if it's just via text. No pressure, but just wanted you to know I'm always here."

Everybody's style is different, but I personally would walk away at this point.
You already reached out with your, "Hey how are you doing?" message, and she's pretty much announced that she's cutting back on friendships with her "as you get older your circle gets smaller" remark.
You don't need to be her sworn enemy. Keep it cordial if you run into her but let the friendship go. These things happen sometimes, and we just have to roll with it.

Is there anything in your reply that could've upset her or something in her message that she could've felt was important that you didn't acknowledge?

@dustyspring - she fell out with the other friend because she felt that the other friend wasn’t there for her during a tough period (but other friend was dealing with her mum being diagnosed with, and subsequently dying of cancer). It’s all very sad.

@Whataspangle the friendship means a lot to me, I’m sad to let it go, but I feel that she’s already made the decision.

@Pulltheother I’d love to pick up the phone and call her, we were never the ‘call each other’ type, also I really don’t think she’d answer.

@Greydiamond that’s a great message, thank you, she can be quite harsh / direct. I must admit that I’m scared of what she’d reply.

I have wondered this, I’ve reread her message and my response a 100 times, I really don’t think I could’ve upset her.

She’d asked about my holiday and what I’d done for Mother’s Day, I asked how hers was. She had suggested meeting for lunch on a weekday, I said that I couldn’t do weekdays for a while as work is really busy so I wouldn’t be able to take any extended lunch breaks, but I could do after work or weekends.. all quite vanilla tbh.

It seems clear she's not wanting to get in contact at the moment for whatever reason. It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong at all, it could just be there's other things going on with her? Either way you've tried to reach out and she hasn't responded which is down to her at the end of the day.

Forget it move on.
She knows where you are of she wants to contact you. You've done enough.
What's she going to do if she comes face to face with you though?
Her problem.

Sounds like she prefers midweek and you prefer weekends so she’s left it for a while. If you have a day off let her know but otherwise you’re a bit stuck.

I tbh am currently kind of ghosting someone who ‘staying neutral’.
The thing is it hurts. The third person involved has made personal attacks on me quite publicly online, slagged me off in a group and managed away a group of friends. It’s been awful, and I don’t know why it happened. We barely interact, and I haven’t even responded to them. I think it’s just someone who asserts themselves in a group by treading on people.
Some friends have called it out as bullying, at least when directly asked. The one who is ‘neutral’ is essentially ignoring and condoning this behaviour and carrying on like it’s fine. Also ignoring that I’ve been really quite upset.
If People are willing to defend you in a room when you aren’t there, they are a friend.

Is there more to know about ‘being neutral’. Is this person slagging off the friend in earshot unchallenged? Is your friend excluded by them? Are they hurting and you ignored it?

Yes move on. I had this too. Just not a great vibe. She never replied to messages. Friendship works 2 ways..

As a last ditch effort I might send her a "Thinking of You" type card (something you know she would find cute/funny/pretty) with a short note saying you hope all is well with her.

It's difficult sometimes to let go of a long friendship, but unfortunately you might just have to move on from her.

Theres another friend that she’s not talking to, that I’m still friends with, she disliked this and said that I was taking sides

That’s presumably her issue then.

Don’t reach out to her. By ghosting, she’s made her feelings pretty clear I think. She also doesn’t sound like a good friend if this is how she behaves.

I'd be sad but I think I'd not bother contacting her again. I don't like confusing people and even if she did start chatting again I'd always be second guessing any interactions with her.

I had a similar situation with a friend but she had ignored messages over a much longer period of time. Initially, I didn't think anything of it... busy lives etc. Eventually, after reading back all our messages, I sent her one last ditch effort. I apologised if I had done something to upset her, I told her I'd be there whenever she was ready to talk. She read it and then went offline. A little while later she sent me a long message about how her mental health had spiralled, she'd been in such a bad place. She hadn't realised how her lack of response had affected me (or really even realised she'd done it).

All I'm saying is, all might not be lost. If she responds with a harsh message, your friendship is probably over. If you don't message, it may be over too but you won't know why.

she fell out with the other friend because she felt that the other friend wasn’t there for her during a tough period (but other friend was dealing with her mum being diagnosed with, and subsequently dying of cancer). It’s all very sad.

Sounds like your friend likes being the centre of attention and can’t bear that others might not adhere to her view that she’s the main character in all circumstances. I would leave it, she seems like hard work and manipulative if she thinks she can dictate who you speak to - it’s the sort of thing that teenagers do!

This is an old thread but I wondered whatever became of you and your friend @Isitcoffeetime? Hope you are doing well and have moved on from it, whatever the outcome x

It sounds like she’s a bit of a drama queen! If she can fallout with another friend because they’re not being supportive when she’s dealing with her mother’s cancer diagnosis and death!! She sounds like hard work!!

sorry just seen this is an old thread! I do wish people would stop resurrecting these!

sod her - don’t beg! Walk away - her loss