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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Turning up unannounced when asked not to

20 replies

boundariesOk · 03/09/2022 21:29

AIBU to think it’s really rude and inconsiderate to turn up unannounced at someone’s house when they have made it VERY clear never to do so?

I have ASD, I have a routine, I dislike socialising unless I’ve been able to prepare for it and been prewarned. I have a family member who I’ve explained all this to but still they think it’s ok to just knock on my door and then are offended when I say ‘sorry, I won’t be able to let you in - we’ve discussed this. Text me and we will arrange a day/time’

Now I feel guilty and it’s caused me a lot of stress 😞

OP posts:
shazzybazzy34 · 03/09/2022 21:32

It is horrendously rude. I would be so pissed off.

Original poster
boundariesOk · 03/09/2022 21:33

And by giving me notice I’ve said even if I’m given 30 minutes to prepare then that’s fine , no less than that but a minimum of 30 mins but it’s either a knock on the door or a text saying ‘I’m 2 mins away see you soon’

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2022 21:34

I don’t have ASD and do like socialising but I would fucking HATE this. It would be rude even if you hadn’t already explained. You have so you’ve done exactly the right thing. Stop feeling guilty, you haven’t done anything wrong. Hopefully it won’t happen again. If it does just ignore the door.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 21:35

I would be livid. The hoards of mn'ers will be coming to say that it's totally normal and acceptable to rock up to someone's home uninvited with no notice whatsoever anytime you want, but that is totally unacceptable in my world. The fact that you've spoken to them about this makes it a million times more egregious. It's just basic respect, and they have none for you.

Change12345 · 03/09/2022 21:36

Yes very rude. I also hate it when people turn up unannounced but I don’t have the guts to say anything and have put up with it for years but that’s partly my fault.
for you putting boundaries in place and they don’t listen is incredibly rude. Your home is your safe space, please don’t feel bad for someone else not listening to a specific request and continuing to please them self

shazzybazzy34 · 03/09/2022 21:36

boundariesOk · 03/09/2022 21:33

And by giving me notice I’ve said even if I’m given 30 minutes to prepare then that’s fine , no less than that but a minimum of 30 mins but it’s either a knock on the door or a text saying ‘I’m 2 mins away see you soon’

You are a better woman than me!! That is more than fair!

raindon · 03/09/2022 21:38

Have you asked them why they keep doing it? It is especially rude when you've explicitly outlined your requirements.

Featuredcreature · 03/09/2022 21:39

It's very fucking rude. Urgh I had a "boyfriend" lately that not only turned up out of the blue, but drunk too. I thought I would have to phone 999 fgs. Wtaf

Sunnyqueen · 03/09/2022 21:40

My family all just walk in each others houses any time, including mine, even with they leave a good hour or so drive away!! If they are actually bothering to knock and wait outside just don't answer the door.

MoonlightMedicine · 03/09/2022 21:41

Oh I sympathise. My in-laws have a spare key (for emergencies) and they turn up unannounced all the time and just let themselves in.

blockpavingismynightmare · 03/09/2022 21:44

So its just the one person who keeps doing this even though they know how you feel?
What a prat. Is there more to this story? Are they really so ignorant or do they have a problem?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 21:46

MoonlightMedicine · 03/09/2022 21:41

Oh I sympathise. My in-laws have a spare key (for emergencies) and they turn up unannounced all the time and just let themselves in.

Take the key back. There is absolutely no reason they need it.

ofwarren · 03/09/2022 21:47

I'm autistic too and I'd HATE this. I wouldn't actually answer the door.

Original poster
boundariesOk · 03/09/2022 21:57

At the time I felt good for making it clear it wasn’t ok but then the guilt crept in and I ended up feeling bad which I know I shouldn’t as I had made my feelings clear I think it’s just me I always end up feeling like this. I don’t know why it keeps happening but it’s really annoying me

OP posts:
BellaVida · 03/09/2022 21:57

Yes, it’s rude and controlling. I’ve had this happen before and I didn’t hide the fact I was annoyed- they haven’t done it again.

AssignedSlytherinAtBirth · 03/09/2022 21:59

I hate this too. I need half a day's notice, ideally, but not more than a couple of days as I get anxious! Mad, I know.
Once I was sunbathing in my back garden in my bikini and a neighbour came in through the back gate! He just said "There was no answer at the front door"!

raindon · 03/09/2022 22:01

ofwarren · 03/09/2022 21:47

I'm autistic too and I'd HATE this. I wouldn't actually answer the door.

I am not diagnosed autistic and I would do the same

QueenB5 · 03/09/2022 22:02

My house never stops, everyone calls, mostly unannounced and I’m forever telling most people to just come on in as there is no need to knock. I love having a busy home. However, this is my preference, you have made it clear you do not feel comfortable with this. If anyone asked me to never turn up unannounced I would respect their wishes. Try and explain it is nothing personal, we just all prefer to live very different home lives and if they have any feelings for you they will respect your wishes. Good luck!

PinkPupZ · 03/09/2022 22:02

My exMIL did this. She refused to make an appointment to see her own son apparently. Was a big factor in our divorce.

VivX · 03/09/2022 22:10

Don't answer the door. If they text ignore it.

If you don't want to completely ignore them, then text them and say "I'm busy, happy to a mutually convenient time" and then don’t still don't answer the door.

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