Teenage boys response to me in pub has really bothered me. Why?

[Peonie20]

Hi,

I have just noticed there is already a "rate me" style thread going and this is purely coincidental, as I was coming on to say that I was recently rated in person, which was of course incredibly rude, as I didn't ask to be, but I was annoyed at myself! I was annoyed because I let a couple of teenage boys opinions on my level of attractiveness bother me. This is what happened...

I was at my local pub with my partner and teenage daughter. It was early doors, but a Friday night and a little more rowdy than usual. There was a table of 18 year old boys very close to us ( I heard them discussing their age - not a guess) I noticed one was looking at me a lot, to the point it made me quite uncomfortable and self conscious. I was trying to ignore and just engage with my partner and DD, but I heard him say very loudly "check her out". Then a couple of them changed seats to look directly at me and one then got up to go to the loo, looked at his mate and shrugged "nahhh".

It made me feel absolutely horrible in all honestly. I'm at that stage (42) where I've noticed I've become a bit invisible over the past few years, but was used to getting lots of attention before then. It's a weird transition, as I didn't always like the attention, but the invisibility seems so sudden and stark.

I was really cross with the guy who was staring at me, making me feeling so uncomfortable, but I suppose we've still be conditioned as women to think that if someone is saying you're attractive, that's a positive thing. To then be told (indirectly) that you're not, suddenly makes you question yourself again. Firstly, well what's wrong with me?? And then, hang on...why on earth do I care what some 18 year old boy thinks of me?! So I ended up judging myself twice!

Anyway, it's really stayed with me and I'm cross at myself for letting it.

I suspect lots of you can relate to this feeling?... Or am I just being absolutely ridiculous? 😬

Silly drunk lads showing off ... ignore.

I wouldn't take it personally if an 18 year old boy isn't attracted to a 42 year old woman. That's normal.

Absolutely ridiculous. You should be happy that an 18 year old doesn't fancy you (gross in terms of age).

Are you really going to rest your self esteem on barely childish drunken adults?

Genuinely, I don't understand why we victimise ourselves. If we can't confront an 18 year old boy, or let their comments go given their age and lack of life experience etc, how have we advanced at all? Are we just all 'victims' of comments and looks that we absorb and then ruminate about? How is this progress? Why aren't we any farther along in our 'feminist' movement? He rated you. So what?? We do it to one another, even if we don't vocalise it with our mouths, so I really don't see what the big deal is unless we're trying to man bash, again.

Genuinely confused.

THANK YOU I thought my comment was rogue, which I'd stand by and own regardless, but it's nice to see that I'm not an island with my thoughts!

Why would you care what a drunk 18yo thinks of you?

Rating people audibly is rude AF, but you're not invisible - one guy was staring at you and you hated that. His mate didn't fancy you, rightly so - he's practically a child and you wouldn't fancy him either. I can't really relate to wanting the approval of 18yo idiot lads on how I look. The best thing about getting older as a woman is giving way less of a shit about such things. And being able to call little shits out if they're being rude. The rating will go on, god knows at that age it was a main topic of conversation who we all fancied, but it shouldn't be so blatant and in front of random strangers, but I guess in a rowdy pub these things happen.

Reframe it. Gross, rude eighteen year old. He should be so lucky.

Are you sure they weren't rating your teenage daughter?

Bit weird to skip her and discuss a woman old enough to be their mothers instead?

Either way, it's all a bit yuk.

Yuk that they did it and yuk that you're bothered.

I'm 39 and 18 year old boys don't even register as men to me.

They seem like overly stretched and excited toddlers. I suppose it might sting a little if a toddler called me unattractive but a) who cares, and b) Good!

Less of the 'we' there thanks.

You certainly don't speak for all of us.

Ok @swqa go victimise yourself with the comments from teenage boys. Yes, you are certainly not 'we' in that way. Agreed.

In a group or still in the classroom. Just out of childhood possible still in it judging by what they said. Numpties would ignore it, OP.

What did your partner say?
My partner would have gone to their table and given them short shrift

She shouldn’t have to; she was confronted by it.

That’s grim behaviour from those boys, OP. I’d find that unpleasant and disrespectful and I don’t think YABU for feeling unsettled. I’d just try and put it behind you but it wasn’t good or ok from them. I’m not sure what you could have actually done differently though, given that I’m sure you (very reasonably) didn’t want a confrontation with a load of unknown 18 year olds.

What are you talking about?

I was pointing out that 'we' don't all victimise ourselves.

"Genuinely, I don't understand why we victimise ourselves. If we can't confront an 18 year old boy, or let their comments go given their age and lack of life experience etc, how have we advanced at all? Are we just all 'victims' of comments and looks that we absorb and then ruminate about?"

As I said, you don't speak for all of us.

Ok, got you. 'We' is a polite way of not calling the OP out directly. You didn't have to involve yourself in the comment.

No I didn't have to.

But what with this being a chat forum, I decided to.

It's how chat forums work, isn't it?

If you want to involve yourself and pretend something is about you when it wasn't, then sure, why not. That's how forums work for you. Good to know.

She doesn’t want an 18 year old to fancy her.

She can still be upset by the reaction of “naah”.

I agree that I shouldn't be bothered and actually you're all just saying what I've been saying to myself. I.e, why do I care what an 18 year old thinks?

@swqa My dd was facing the other way. I'm sure she would have been rated and leered at had she been facing them. I don't think it's yuk that an 18 year old might find a 40 year old attractive though. If that's the case, then I suspect most 18 year olds are yuk. It certainly isn't yuk that I was bothered by it either. Silly maybe and that's exactly my point, but not yuk.

She infers it bothered her as she used to get so much attention - both the nah and that they didn’t.

Was your partner aware of all this? What did he say? Mine would have said something.

How have you turned a woman feeling crap about being stared at in public and having her appearance rated by boys into feeling sorry for men being "man bashed?" Weird.