How am I supposed to find time for everything?

[ImNotAsThinkAsYouDrunkIAm]

How do other people find time for everything? I work full time, two kids 9 and 11. Evenings are taken up with their activities. I exercise during their activities, or I wouldn’t have time. Weekends I spend catching up on housework, admin, keeping on top of the garden (to be fair I enjoy gardening, but that just means I’m loathe to outsource it to a gardener), seeing elderly parents - mine more than my dh’s because my dm is more needy, and I feel more guilty. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to fit everything in, there is never enough time for anything, if I socialise at all at the weekend I spend the rest of the week catching up on laundry etc, my dm isn’t happy with the amount she sees us, dh’s parents frankly shouldn’t be happy because we definitely don’t see them enough. Siblings we see every few months at the most which leads me to feeling guilty that I’m not fostering closer cousin relationships. I feel like I’m constantly dropping the ball somewhere, because there isn’t enough bloody TIME. People ask me what I’m watching on telly and I don’t even have time for that, evenings after the kids go to bed are filled with catching up on admin or staring blankly at my phone because I literally haven’t stopped for 14 hours. And before anyone asks, yes, dh pulls his weight. Maybe not with the mental stuff, which to be fair I struggle to share (how do you delegate the contents of your head? Any tips welcome), but he does all the cooking, all the food shopping, his share of child taxiing etc. What am I doing wrong? How do other people do it?

How often are you seeing your mother?

Last week I got a cleaner
today I got a nanny
the relief is undescribable

Sounds normal for 2 kids and working FT

I only keep afloat because I have one child, WFH and work 4 days per week

Also don’t watch telly and feel like a social event puts me behind

Can you condense to four days? Or get a cleaner?

How many evenings are the children doing activities? Are they all essential?

You can’t do it all. I have a constant feeling of panic. Wake up feeling shaky and like I’ve forgotten something. I think this is just how life is for lots of us that can’t afford to outsource. Things like a cleaner and gardener would really help, but it’s too expensive.

Sorry I should have said. Got the cleaner. So housework is mainly tidying, keeping on top of the chaos. And laundry. So much laundry.

My dm we see every couple of weeks. Any less and I start to feel guilty (she’s on her own and frail, doesn’t get out much or see many people beyond carers and family).

Outsource the laundry?
Drop it off or organise for it to be collected. Then it is returned washed, dried and ironed.

If you have an 11yo then this is SATs week and so maybe making you feel worse (I know our school is sending extra requests for snacks, early drop off, party day on Friday etc)

overall I think most people don’t find time for everything. 2 FT parents isn’t the norm, usually one is PT at least. To keep 2 FT careers going you need a cleaner, rock solid childcare and a whole heap
of organisation (eg I know someone who makes a months worth of meals in the freezer).
Add in elderly care and you’ve got no chance.

You can stop feeling bad about not being able to do it all. It is impossible. The question is, what can you drop?

All of them, between the two of them. But I just can’t bring myself to cut it down. The activities are all valuable to them in different ways. And I multi task for most of them by exercising (often with friends) during their activities. If the activities went, I would have even less time for me, weirdly.

I agree.
There will be a flood of people coming on to tell you they wouldn’t sacrifice their career. They will fall into one of two categories - either have huge family support or can’t afford to drop working hours.

What is ‘everything’? What are you not getting to do that you want to?
You mention feeling guilty twice, are you carrying round a load of ‘shoulds’?
My life doesn’t sound dissimilar, only 1 DC but pretty full on full time job, DH works full time, DC has all consuming hobby, elderly DM and MIL (both recently widowed and in declining health). Exercise is mainly dog walks and weekly pilates as that’s all I can fit in.
Can’t remember the last time we saw SIL and her kids, never watch TV, have acquaintances via DC hobby and mine but very little time to put into real friendships. House is generally acceptable but never immaculate, garden is somewhat wild! I don’t feel like I’m missing out though which is perhaps the difference?

Ha, you’ve got me there. SATS breakfast? 🤦‍♀️

They don’t, you cannot do it all.

All you can do is spin a few different plates at once and then change the plates and spin those.

I don’t exercise as much as would like & always behind on laundry & admin but do prioritise relationships.

Yes, there are a lot of shoulds. Mainly, probably the trigger for this thread tbf, we should be seeing family more. But I’m clinging on by a thread as it is. The one thing I know would help is going down to 4 days, which I’ve done before. But I changed jobs recently after redundancy and took full time because 4 day a week jobs for new starters are unicorns. Maybe once I’ve proven myself I can request flexible working. Just need to survive in the meantime!

An aunt told me when the kids were little to have no more than 2 activities per child or adult, which we've always stuck to. We did scouting plus a sport for years. Tried climbing but you weren't allowed to leave the premises and like you I needed that time for my own exercise so dropped it until dc was old enough to be left alone.

At 9 and 11 I would start getting the kids to do some of their own laundry, start in the holidays when if they run out of clothes they can always wear school uniform! If they don't have their own laundry basket, can you get them one?

Re sharing the load, can you give DH complete responsibility for one or more of the activities? Eg he's in the Whatsapp group for football and you aren't?

Exactly! As if we don’t have enough to do. And why do kids need 2 breakfast to sit a 40 minute test?!

I’ve no idea, I don’t even have kids and I struggle to do it all! Although that said, I’ve no one to share the household chores with but if i don’t keep to a strict routine something always falls by the wayside.

It's the kids activities.
And the full time work.
The activities might drop off over the next few years, or at least need less from you. Maybe they can do more actually at school once at comp, so they just get the bus home later and you don't have to ferry them.

I think this is normal but it’s crazy!
I find these help:
cleaning before work and/or putting clothes away
doing washing daily so it doesn’t build up too much
if I know we’re busy at the weekend I try and got jobs into the week

So you want to manage your time so you have more time for DM and siblings/cousins.
You mention working full time - any scope for reduction in hours or WFH?
You don’t mention distances or how old/frail DM is? Could she come with you to DC’s hobbies - watch/have a coffee (or maybe too frail, poor mobility)?
Could you have a night a week where in-laws come round for a simple tea/takeaway? You suggest guilt for not doing more - could they come to you?

Amazing that you excercise whilst kids are at hobbies and see friends at the same time - sounds pretty efficient.

Could your kids be doing too much? Could they do less? Could you take turns with other parents to pick up/collect?

other ways to save time:

1. cleaner
2. gardener
3. supermarket delivery
4. Batch cooking/meal kits/repetitive menu/byuing frozen chopped up veg
5. washing machine/dryer setting with timer (I set ours overnight etc)

I have two dc, work full time, don't have a cleaner... I do a load of laundry most days, I spend an hour cleaning in a morning after school drop off if I'm WFH and use my lunch hour to clean more or do some exercise. I go out for a hobby and or other things once or twice a week while DH looks after the dc. He does the same. After work one of us cooks and the other gets the dc to bed. DC are in bed by 8 and I either exercise or try to read or watch tv. I do house work in the week as above and on weekends. I see my family once per week. I see friends when I can but not every week. I think it's hard juggling everything but it's not impossible. It helps being able to WFH twice a week as I use the time I would have used travelling to exercise or clean up a bit and put laundry on.

Other people have family help/a nanny. I'm also a full time working mum with two children, extremely limited support and a helpful husband, and i'm drowning in mum guilt. It feels like school has decided to bulk all of it's activities at the end of the year, we have two in person class performances this week for one of our children. Our meals are often cooked at the weekend (but i'm largely too exhausted) or quick/frozen.Our cleaner is my saving grace, may she never quit.

Not what you want to hear but I gave up all socialising. Decided it was the easiest rope to drop. I'll pick it up in retirement maybe :). Working ft, 2 kids, house etcetc it just doesn't allow that spare time. Also my house is a tip apart from weekends when I clean and tidy. During the week its just kitchen and bathroom cleaning. Bedrooms and living room dissolve and I don't care anymore.

I do think late primary school is peak for a lot of this stuff and the intensity calms down. Teen / high school activities get more independent (unless you’ve chosen to live somewhere where you are a constant taxi service). Getting kids to take responsibility for laundry is a huge help too.