I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.
My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.
I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”
I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.
As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.
They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.
To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.
I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.