How can I message friend to clear the air?

[Ironplate]

How do I word a message that doesn't make things worse?

I have a long standing friend who's been off with me periodically for 18 months, which coincided with when I got together with BF, a mutual friend of ours, but I don't know for sure that's connected.

I started when I, for the first time ever, cancelled on her because I was quite luterally having a MH breakdown. I told her I couldn't go because I was really struggling (with things she knew about). I got a 👍 response and every subsequent message was ignored for 2 weeks.

There have been further similar episodessince. Once because we had a disagreement about political views, once because she thought my BF was rude to her and now (I think) because I haven't made a big enough fuss about her big event, while I was dealing with two suddenly ill and dispabled parents. I wished her luck and sent a message asking how it went, but she hasn't responded and has removed herself from all SM groups I'm in.

I want to message WFT have I done this time? But recognise that won't be helpful!

I also recognose the friendship is finished, but would like to get to a place where we can be civil when with mutal friends.

There's no point calling, she won't pick up.

How would you approach this?

I take it this is about the party you’ve been uninvited to.

By not making multiple threads about her on MN

I wouldn’t. She’s made it clear she’s not much of a friend so I’d leave her to it.

Are you honestly unable to be civil when with mutual friends? Because however frustrating it may be to not have closure, she has made it very clear she wants no contact with you. I think you just want a chance to remind her that you were going through something hard and she basically ghosted you. Which is terrible. But you arent going to get an apology because she has her side too and she appears to feel justified in cutting you off. You need to move on.

I can be civil, but I've already been at two events in the last fornight where, I've attempted a polite greeting and she's blanked me in front of mutual friends

At least on this thread she’s sort of admitting she knows the cause of the fallout

The other thread is about the mechanics of FB. The reasons are irrelevant there.

Just ignore her back. She's not worth your energy

Exactly what I'd do.

Didn’t you have another thread about this the other day under a different username? Where you mentioned that you’d sent a good luck message before her event and then asked her how it went afterward? I meant to reply to that one but I think I lost track of it before I did.

Anyway, if she’s going to be dramatic and blank you in front of people you both know and refuse to talk about it then I think you’ll just have to ignore her back until she’s ready to be civil. It’s a silly way for adults to behave but perhaps she just needs time to get it out of her system. Did you apologise for not taking more interest in her event? I can’t remember if you mentioned that or not.

If you know that someone is likely to blank you in a social situation why on earth would you greet her.

You don’t. She clearly doesn’t want to speak to you so you leave her alone.

Because it's polite to say hello? So I can't be accused of blanking them?

Just leave her alone, she doesn't want to know.

She's never said that was the issue, I'm making that assumption because this drama unfolded the same day, and she never responded to the message I sent asking how it went.

I’m wondering if that could be seen as being passive/aggressive…
not all people get along all the time and it’s usually possible for two adults to be in the same space without causing drama

On the other thread you literally said “I’ve obviously done something, but I don’t know what it is”.

Well I don't, not really. I know there have been things she's taken exception to iliver the last 18 months, but I don't know what this one is about.

Put it all in one thread then! All the bloody information.

Plus you don't really care about your friend, what you care about is other people knowing she doesn't want to know you and wanting to save face.

Then leave her alone. In your other thread you act like you're over her and you don't know why etc and now another thread asking how to find out why?

What's the point? She's obviously a drama queen and ridiculous so ignore and move on and frankly you also seem to be a drama queen.

Your so focused on "so you can't be accused of blanking them" and "what she will say to others" and "so they don't think we didn't turn up"

She is not worth your time and if your other friends want to stop being ypu friend because of what she tells them then good riddance.

With all the blocking and unblocking and blowing hot and cold it should be obvious to the group that's she's childish idiot. Move on.

This sums it right up.

What was the event you missed? I’m guessing it was a huge deal for her?

I think a lot of people on Mumsnet don't have big social groups that are important to them so don't understand how hard it is when one person turns against you. Even if you just ignore them back it turns happy events you were looking forward to into awkward stressful situations. I've had a similar thing happen and it was awful. I don't really have any advice for you sorry, but just wanted to give you some support as you are getting a hard time on both threads.

It sounds like she doesn't want to be friends. You say you just want to be civil. Then be civil. If you're asking her to behave a certain way, well, you don't get to do that.