I really can’t cope with my child anymore

[Chasingup]

I feel awful for saying this and I do love him so much but I don’t how much more I can take. He will be 3 in February, has asd and life is just incredibly tough with him. I know none of these struggles are his fault and they aren’t the main problem, but he doesn’t speak and has no understanding so it’s so hard to know what he wants and for him to understand what I’m saying. It’s very frustrating but the main problem for me is his behaviour.

He hits, pinches, bites at random times. He throws things. The other day he threw a big plastic toy at my face and it made my nose bleed. I’ve just bathed him, I nipped into my bedroom to get something, my bedroom is next to the bathroom, I was literally in there for 5 seconds before I heard this almighty bang. I run in and he’s pulled the shelf down, broken it. When his dad gets back he’s going to blame me. He has ruined all sorts in the living room. Pulled wallpaper off, ruined the blinds, made a line across the relatively new tv because he threw something at it. The list is endless. All made more difficult because I can’t communicate with him. I don’t know what I can do☹️ I feel like walking out and never coming back. Obviously I won’t do that but I’m desperate for things to improve

When his dad gets back he’s going to blame me

Is he not very supportive?

@Comedycook Well whenever anything happens such as the tv getting broke or the blinds, he says I need to shout at him and get him to understand. But that isn’t possible. He says I need to watch him all the time, but surely I’m not expected to stay in the living room every day all day

This all sounds very difficult- unfortunately with children with very high needs, they sometimes need constant supervision and it sounds as though your son does. Your partner needs to step up and be the supervisor once he gets home, so that you can have a decent rest, it's not possible to keep giving out if you have nothing left to give from. You can't pour from an empty cup!

I'm not sure if you would like suggestions of things to do, if not then please ignore the rest of my post! If you do, then a couple of ideas.

Is there a way to DS-proof your home, or at least the main living room? I don't know if such a thing as a TV screen protector exists for eg, or have it up mounted on the wall too high for him to reach. Then make sure that any wall mounted shelves are too high as well, and that any freestanding storage furniture is bolted to the wall. There is also funding available for families through family fund and others so you could install a sensory area in your house.
If you have a safe space that he can't destroy then you can pop to your room for a minute knowing that he is safe in there.

In regards to communication, could you introduce something slowly like makaton- some of my friends with non-verbal autistic children have found makaton and pecs cards helpful at introducing communication.

For yourself, you need to be able to get out of the house for some time alone for at least a short walk or whatever when your 'D'H is home. Staying in the living room all day every day obviously isn't good, presumably because DS behaviour feels too stressful to deal with in public?
If DH thinks shouting is the definitive solution he sounds pretty clueless.

Are there any daytime groups you could go to with DS? Or there should be some autism charities you could contact for autism-specific advice and support.

OP, I have a very destructive DS as well, now 6yo.

I tried to take mine out at 3yo every day, to anywhere they could just run around and burn off some energy. A park or garden, anywhere where they couldn't break stuff. There were lots of kids friendly places that didn't work, like the library or some play groups because he would sweep everything off tables and shelves and make lots of mess and disruption. There may be some SEN friendly groups locally you could find.

At home, we just had to make the whole home child proof. We mounted the TV high on the wall. We had minimal furniture and what we had we accepted that it would get trashed. We have just bought a new sofa and we know it won't last a year.

You DH needs to join this gentle parenting for autistic kids Facebook group.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/207951976411320/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT

Also this is wonderfully for understanding the mindset of kids liked ours.

https://www.facebook.com/autismdiscussionpage?mibextid=ZbWKwL

I can't say it gets easier. My DS' communication skills did improve over time and with therapy. At 3yo they were almost nonexistent. So he listens to some of what I say now, but often he defies me. I pick my battles and stop him when it's unsafe, and let everything else go. I have to hope that he will continue to make progress. I also know that he's getting bigger and stronger with age and in many respects it's going to get harder too.

Lots of hugs and all the best for you both.

Is your DS receiving speech therapy? If not look for the Hanen books secondhand. They are wonderful for teaching you how to communicate with your child throughout play. It takes lots and lots of little steps.

Is he at nursery? If not, I would put him in for his 30 hours so they can get on with applying for an EHCP, especially if you think he is likely to need a special school. You might have a SEN nursery, but if not use a mainstream one.

Are Portage involved? They might be able to help you get some communication up and running with him (PECS etc). Has he been for SaLT assessment? Likewise, they will support with early communication strategies.

Could you afford a safe space bed? That would mean he could have some breaks in a safe place, with tablet/ toys ect while you had a shower or a 15min cup of tea.

As others have said your husband has to make an effort to support you and to understand your son - shouting at him is not going to work. He needs to parent his child and you need a break.

Any therapists your son is seeing needs to explain this to your husband. Be prepared for him to leave if he won't accept any responsibility for parenting his son.

My son is like this climbing on everything and into everything , he bites and nips and is like a whirlwind… he is nearly 2. The only think that keeps my sanity is getting out of the house every day such as soft play, park, swimming, staying in the house all day can’t be good for you or the said child