Childcare and going back to work

Most women feel terrible about leaving their children and going back to work, especially if their child is still a baby. Regular scare stories in the media about cruel nannies and neglectful nurseries can be unbearable. But over half of mothers whose youngest child is under five work, as do nearly 80 percent of mothers with children between five and ten. The vast majority of children thrive with their carers, often developing long-standing attachments to them.

While many mothers have to work to help pay the mortgage, women increasingly want to combine having children with a fulfilling career. However traumatic it may be to find childcare (and it isn't for everyone), going to work has advantages, if only because you can go to the toilet and eat lunch in peace (depending on where you work). The latest research from the US, a study of 1,300 children, found that babies under 12 months are not harmed by their mothers returning to work, provided the childcare is high quality and their parents are happy with their choice.

What is high quality childcare?

Finding quality childcare is not a science but there's a growing consensus from experts as to what it is.

1. Your child should have consistency of carers - particularly when under five. Ad hoc arrangements with different carers are not good for a child of any age.
2. High ratios of staff (one adult to three babies under two, one adult to four children between the ages of two and three) are also important.
3. Children under five need an affectionate environment where they are stimulated and educated in ways appropriate for their age. By three they really need to mix and learn to play with other children.
4. They also need to be kept safe.

Because such care is not always easy to find it's best to work out what you need and how much you can spend as soon as possible. Don't economise on childcare if you can afford not to do so. You can be lucky but to some extent you get what you pay for. Ideally, if you can face it, you should start talking to other local mothers and sending off to your local authority for information on childcare as soon as, if not before, the baby is born. Nursery places for children under 2 are scarce and you may need to put your fetus's name down (you can always change it later).

Be clear about what you need. If you have a baby then you need childcare that is qualified and/or experienced. If you have a child who goes to school and needs picking up, after school care and looking after in the school holidays then a mother's help may be suitable.

Childcare is phenomenally expensive for working families. You may wonder why all your wages are going to pay for someone else to enjoy your child - some mothers do stop working, others realise it's not forever and that state schools free. Should you wish to send your child to a private school at least you will already be used to coughing up lots of money each month - sometimes childcare can be cheaper.

But even with the best childcare in the world, working mothers often feel guilty and miss their children. If you can afford to stay at home with your children you may feel this is the best option until they are older and more independent. You may be able to work flexible hours so you can work when your children are asleep or at weekends. You may be able to work part time for a while. Being a full time mother, of course, is the toughest job of them all.

It's typical to feel a bit vulnerable when getting childcare but don't let anyone intimidate you. Go by your gut feeling, backed up by references, local authority reports on nurseries and talking to other mothers. Be strong. If you ever feel unhappy or unsure about your child's wellbeing - do something about it. Don't worry that you are making a fuss or that it will be unpleasant to discuss issues with whoever's looking after your child. Your child comes first and what suits one child may not make yours happy. But also realise that no childcare is perfect - probably not even your own.

Baby and toddler care

Most babies whose parents work, are looked after by relatives or childminders. Nurseries and nannies are more expensive. Au pairs are not meant to look after children under five. Mothers' helps should also not be expected to look after young children for long periods of time.

Nannies

For a baby you want a nanny who is experienced with babies. You may want qualifications - a Nursery Nurse Examination Board Certificate (NNEB). Some mothers want newly qualified nannies so they can mould them to their family's ways. But newly qualified nannies may not have the experience or confidence that other families might value. Nanny shares can work - but can also be fraught with difficulties in negotiating with another family. Above all you need to trust your nanny and go with your gut feelings about whether your baby will be happy with her.

Pros

• A nanny comes to your house (or may live in which is cheaper by about £50 to £100 a week) and so your baby is cared for in familiar surroundings and you can negotiate hours that fit in with your work.
• If you have more than one child a nanny may be good value.
• A nanny may do your baby's laundry and make her meals and do baby-related shopping.
• A nanny is one-on-one for your child - arguably what nature intended.
• If your child is sick a nanny will look after her (unlike nursery).
• With luck you'll have continuity of care, which is great for your child and subsequent children.
• You may be able to leave your child with your nanny for the odd weekend away or evening out.

Cons

• Your nanny is unregulated - no one checks on her unlike a child minder or nursery.
• Your nanny may be poached by another family or want to travel - its not unusual to have to find a new one after a year.
• You may find it hard when your baby seems to love your nanny more than she loves you and/or if your nanny is younger and trendier than you are.
• Your baby will not necessarily meet other children unless your nanny takes your baby to toddler groups.
• A nanny is not cheap - in London the rate for a live out nanny is £250-£350 a week and on top of this you must pay your nanny's National Insurance and tax.
• Nannies like sole charge of their babies - this may be tricky if you fancy working at home a couple of days a week.
• Nannies may be young girls who get demoralised and unmotivated working with a baby all day. Social isolation can affect them as much as it can a new mother.
• If your nanny gets ill then you need someone else to look after your baby.

How to find one

• Nanny agencies advertise in the yellow pages, the local paper and parenting magazines. They cost a fortune but are meant to vet their nanny's references.
• Put an advert in the Lady magazine (but be prepared to be intimidated by what other families offer e.g. separate penthouse flat with satellite TV and use of villa in South of France).
• Put advert in local paper - be careful what you ask for - experience/driver/non-smoker etc.
• Spread the word around other parents and nannies that you are looking.
• Put an advert up in local schools - ask the school secretary - as nannies dropping children off at school may know of others and may themselves be looking for other jobs.

How to choose one

• Work out what you want and make a list of questions you will ask each applicant.
• Things you may want to ask about:
• smoking
• driving
• experience
• what sorts of things they would do with your child?
• how they would deal with tantrums?
• what are their views on television?
• do they have any first aid knowledge?
• would they take your baby swimming or to toddler clubs?
• will they babysit?

Interview initially on phone. Those you like ask to come round and meet the children. Ask a friend or your partner to be present - sometimes two opinions are better than one.

See how they interact with your child: do they talk to him or her first, do they squeeze them so tight your baby squeals with pain? One friend once told me to deliberately spill a cup of orange juice over a prospective nanny to see how calmly they reacted.

Chase references. Ask about sick leave/reliability and ability to be on time. Ask about how affectionate they are with children.

The right personality is more important than experience and qualifications - someone that will look after and be affectionate to your child but be in charge in a non-smothering or bullying way.

Once you have chosen

• Discuss sick pay, holiday pay and entitlement.
• Let your child have a period of settling in, with you overseeing the nanny.
• Discuss what food she will make your child and the routine you do or do not want her to have.
• Discuss discipline.
• Discuss hygiene - how she makes up bottles and prepares food.
• Try to be tactful.

Child minders

Childminders are registered by OFSTED and have to attend various training courses including a Childminding training course and  Child Protection and First Aid. They also have to ensure their home and garden is 'safe' with regard to cupboard and window locks, stair gates, fireguards and First Aid Kit etc. The childminder and her family have to undergo Criminal Record checks and the safety of children in a childminders care is paramount. For further information on childminders and becoming a childminder, contact the NCMA (National Childminding Association), your local council's EYDPC (Early Years Development) or call Ofsted on 0845 601 4771

Pros

• They are usually mothers and so experienced (although the experience might not have been a good one).
• They will often have at least one other child so your child will have company.
• They usually live nearby and so are handy but you will have to get your child up and ready to drop him or her off at your child minder's house.
• They are cheaper than a nanny.
• OFSTED registered, which means their home is considered a safe environment and they have had some training, including First Aid.
• May get continuity of care.
• Often tapped in to local libraries, playgroups and swimming groups.

Cons

• Their home may not be as nice as yours is (although it may be tidier) so your child may not have the environment you want.
• The child minder may have other children that demand more attention than yours will - they can have three children under five which is more than many mothers would like to look after on their own for eight hours a day.
• Your child minder may be busy running her home and put the needs of your child second - she may not provide the stimulating and educational range of activities you might expect from a nursery.
• When your child minder is sick then you will need someone else to look after your child.

How to find one

• Your local authority has a list.
• Ask other parents locally - personal recommendation is always helpful.
• Advertise for one in local paper/newsagents.

How to choose one

• Draw up a list of questions about outings, other children they look after, routines, food, sleeping arrangements, holidays, experience.
• If the child minder drives your child - does her car have child seats and is it safe?
• Chase references - speak and if possible visit other mothers who have used her.
• Visit their home with your child and see how your child and the child minder get on.
• See what activities go on and what toys there are to play with.
• Is there a garden for your child to play in? (nb if the lawn and beds are perfect, children probably don't get out there much).
• Check they are OFSTED registered.

Nurseries

If you're really lucky you'll work for a wonderful employer who runs a creche. If not you'll probably have to find a private nursery - there are some local authority ones but they only have few places for young children and priority may be given on the basis of need. Even private nurseries have long waiting lists for children under two. Check that there are no potty training requirements with nurseries that take children over two.

Pros

• They don't get sick - there are always staff to look after your child (except perhaps in times of flu epidemics).
• There are other children to learn to play and socialise with.
• There are usually educational activities provided and your child is offered the chance to do things you'd probably rather not do at home such as body painting, water play and experimenting with spaghetti.
• Your child may start as a baby and continue until he or she is four or more and thus have some continuity of care.
• At least some staff will have qualifications and experience.
• Regulation is by the Local Authority, which produces a yearly report you can read. (from 2001 the inspections will be by school inspectors, OFSTED - www.ofsted.gov.uk).
• Premises may be roomy with outside space to run around.
• Nurseries are open pretty much the year round.

Cons

• You may feel your baby needs more one-on-one attention than nursery care provides and that depositing her in a nursery from 8 until 6.30 every day will be damaging. There's no evidence this is so if the care given is high quality. Even so it is better for both you and your child to try to avoid long nursery days at the beginning.
• Nurseries may be expensive - they range from £150 to £250 a week.
• There are very few places for babies under two so you need to book early - so early it may not have been born yet - which is too spooky for some mothers.
• There may be high turnover of staff.
• You need to give a month's deposit which can be a lot.
• If your child is sick you may not be able to take it to nursery school
• If you have more than one child you may be financially ruined

How to find one

• Ask mothers in the area.
• Look in the yellow pages/local papers/parents magazines/toyshop advertising boards
• The Local Authority will have a list.

How to choose one

• Visit with your child - you may have to make an appointment.
• Is there a lively happy buzz in the air? Do you feel good about this nursery?
• Is there a quiet place for babies?
• Ideally you will be looking for the nursery to satisfy your child when she is three and above as well as while she is a baby, so bear this in mind as you look around and ask questions.
• Ask other mothers and ask the nursery for references.
• Ask to see the latest local authority report on the nursery.
• Does it have a nice safe and large outdoor area with toys in? This is very important.
• Do the children get taken out - to the local park or swimming?
• What are the staff ratios? They should be one to three for children under two and one to four for children between the ages of two and four.
• Are the rooms clean and spacious, light and well-decorated and stocked with toys?
• Is the day unstructured or is there a routine and if so what is it?
• Where do the children have a nap? Does a staff member sit with them?
• Do babies and toddlers mix for some of the time (which is good for development if they are closely watched)?
• What activities do they do? Is there singing and dancing? French isn't really necessary at his age.
• If the children cry, are they picked up and cuddled? You can watch and see.
• Do carers intervene a lot or do they facilitate more. Research shows they should act as more shadowy characters - letting children dictate the games they are playing and how they are relating to each other.
• Ask about discipline - the classic being what they would do if a child bit your child? The wrong answer is that they would bite him or her back. These aren't biblical times.
• What are meal times like? These should be times for children to communicate with each other and learn how to eat - not hurried times to get through quickly with minimal mess. Food should be fresh and nutritious - some nurseries ask you to provide food, which seems a shame as this means tins instead of the greens and pasta you would, of course, be serving up at home. Children from a young age should be seated together in pleasant surroundings for meal times.
• What is the turnover of staff - you can ask this and also ask how long the manager has been there for. Over a few years and you're laughing, unless she leaves shortly afterwards. If you are brave enough, ask for qualifications and rates of pay for the staff - low paid staff move quickly on and aren't going to feel that loving towards any child they are providing slave labour for.
• Does the nursery have a key worker system - this is important as this means one person is primarily responsible for your child.
• Does the nursery invite parents' opinions and hold meetings with them. Do staff communicate what your child has done that day?
• Does the nursery welcome criticism (well who does?)
• Is the nursery happy for you to pop in whenever?
• Ask about issues that concern you eg vegetarian food or kosher food. Do you want a multi-cultural nursery experience? (Not so easy if you live in the home counties.)
• How much education goes on - in Scandinavian countries caring is seamless with education - the nursery should provide both.
• How much independence is the child allowed to have?

When you've found a nursery

• Be prepared for your child to howl once you hand her over to nursery staff - they usually stop once you can't hear them any more. Phone later to see if they are okay.
• Drop in at different times to see what's going on.
• Settle your child in over a week's period - don't expect to be able to go right back to work full on.
• Prepare for your child's immune system to be floored by meeting 10 snotty kids with different cold viruses and tummy bugs. Be prepared for your own immune system to be floored.
• Talk to staff and ask about their day and your child's. Be grateful and appreciative and take a general interest in the nursery.
• Tell the staff (who should ask you anyway) about your child's routine and likes and dislikes. Some nurseries encourage children to bring something of their own with them that they are fond of, for comfort.

Children three and over

Nursery schools

Look for everything you would look for in a nursery for a baby plus:

• How staff get along with the children. Friends are more important in some ways to children at this age than other adults - so nurseries are good for children - so long as the adults do not overshadow them but let them interact with each other.
• Ask if the children can play independently with each other?
• Are children allowed to be independent - eg go to the toilet on their own, get a drink from the fridge - choose to play in the garden? Childcare experts think independence is important.
• What sort of educational activities are there? Are children encouraged to learn through play, do they learn pre-numeracy and pre-literacy skills? How does the nursery help them learn to build relationships?
• Do staff comfort and reassure children when needed? Do they seem accessible?

Au pairs and mothers helps

Au pairs shouldn't look after pre schoolers but if you have a school nearby that has a nursery attached but which only runs school hours you may need help after school. For children under five a mother's help may be more suitable. She will not have qualifications and may or may not be experienced or British. Mothers helps cost about £150 a week and are just that - a help - not a replacement. Mothers helps may or may not live in depending if they are glorified au pairs (usually Australian or South African). They can be found from agencies and also by advertising in the local paper and in parenting magazines like Nursery World (which often has to be ordered - no newsagents stock it round my way). You can expect her to do some shopping, cleaning and cooking but the best use of a mother's help is for the twilight hours when they are out of school and you are still stuck in traffic.

Au Pairs are usually available from agencies and are always, at least initially, live in. Often they are young girls, it may be their first time away from home and although you may be lucky and get a slightly older or more mature one, they are likely to become your oldest child. There are often cultural problems as to what is acceptable behaviour (from both parties) and ground rules about time off, responsibilities, phone and car use, bringing boyfriends home and when they will attend college for English lessons (which is why they are here in the first place). Don't expect too much of your au pair (eg just ask her to pick up children from school and baby sit a couple of nights and maybe do a bit of shopping, ironing and cleaning) and things may turn out alright. You are expected to treat her as one of the family - but if you did that of course she could be very unhappy - treat her more as a guest or very distant relative.

Further info

Dr Spock's Baby and Child Care £12.99 List price Simon and Schuster

Haringey Childcare Information Service 020 8801 1234