1.  Sleeping

2.  Smiling

3.  Sluicing

And of course I couldn’t get either of them up this morning. The Man left at 0530 on a Business Trip. I got up, had coffee, had breakfast, emptied dishwasher, hung washing out, put washing on, put boys’ breakfast out, showered, did hair and make up and STILL they weren’t bothering.  Why.  Why at the weekend, when I am gripping my bed like I’m on a 20th-floor ledge, do they make me get up? And then why do they not even hear me in the week? Even Son 2 aged 2, the original I WILL WALK 500 MILES AND I WILL WALK 500 MORE hypercharged baby was comatose.   I got them up, and I got us out.

When I picked Son 1 aged 5 up from school, he burrowed in his bag and produced several proof sheets from the school photos taken last week. Wonder Nanny had taken Son 2 along as well, so there were five of the two of them together.  i have long told Son 1 that if he smiles nicely in official photos, Mummy will buy him a present. The pictures are truly fantastic, and Son 1 knew it.  Crumple of small boy when he realised I didn’t have a present with me.  In my defence, I had said I needed to see the smiles first. We have agreed we will try and get to a joke shop tomorrow to see if they have a magic wand. 

I did them corn on the cob for tea. Served with little sharp skewery things in each end.  Kitchen gadgets I bought in the days when I though we weren’t having children.  Son 2 pulled his out and started shoving one through his teeth. Son 1 played pirates with his. The corn was too hot to eat, so I sliced it off onto their plates. Son 1 stared at the pile in disbelief. “I want it back on,” he wailed.  Upstairs Son 2 was in the bath while I sorted washing and Son 1 spoke to Birthday Boy Godbrother on the phone. “Big Poo!” came the battle cry. We went in. There was a toy turtle floating in the bubbles on the top. But nothing sinister. I put my hand in for the turtle. It wasn’t a turtle.  And my hand went straight through it, a five-fingered macerator which scattered the soft turd down, along and up the sides of the bath.    Son 2 couldn’t have had more toys in the bath if he’d piled up every one he owns in there.  Today’s Top Tip.  In net laundry bags (Lakeland and kitchen shops,) in the washing machine, Quick Wash. ”Big Poo,” said Son 2 again. We put him on the booster loo seat. He performed. Four chocolate buttons each for a poo in the loo.  Keeps the children still and quiet for just long enough to spray and wash the bath out.

1.  Congestion

2.  Consumption

3.  Commotion

I have still got this bogging cold.  I have to hold my forehead  to stop my head exploding every time I cough - weirdie look, especially with my other hand in front of my mouth to prevent germs spraying. I am stone deaf apart from the crisp packets someone’s crinkling up in each ear, my nose is streaming, I wheeze when I breathe, my face is fat, I can’t swallow and every time I take a step in my clippy-cloppy shoes it hurts my head. But I do not have a temperature so it is Nothing Serious.   We have a Swine Flu Strategy at The Office which involves Not Going In If You Don’t Feel Well To Protect The Health Of Your Colleagues.  So I had a day of people telling me to Sod Off.    But I have Thursday and Friday off for Son 2 aged 23m’s birthday and no matter how hard I hope the work just doesn’t do itself.   And no I can’t work from home because there is a child and a Nanny there.  And God said: “Have a read of Active Conversations on Mumsnet and Stop Complaining.”  So I have. And I will.

Son 1 aged 4y 11m arrived in the Big Bed during the night. I woke at 0630 and went downstairs to make coffee, lunches, breakfasts and put a pile of work and school things together.  I got up Son 1 and Son 2 and they ate Coco Pops.  Son 1 and I set off and got to School on time. “We’ve been hearing a lot about his Fish Tank,” said the Teaching Assistant. “We’ll have to have a photo when it’s up and running.”  Son 1 sat and quietly did puzzles while we talked about him. At lunchtime I went out in search of decongestants and accidentally ended up in TK MAxx.  Stocking fillers for the boys’ brithdays. And trousers, a shirt and a red-stickered cashmere top for me.  There was a beautiful CK coat there but it was, sadly, Too Tight In The Bodice.

I picked Son 1 up and we drove home. “I need a poo,” he said, matter-of-factly, about half-way back.  “Can you wait till we get home?” “No.”  “Can you hold on till Asda?”  A loud, long farting noise came from the backseat.  We stopped in a picnic area.  He’d already peeled off his shoes and socks.  I improvised with an old FT from my briefcase and a Waitrose mag for him to stand on.   He was interminably slow dressing again and getting back in the car.  Back home he sprang inside to find The Man and Son 2 and I posted his efforts in the dog mess bin opposite. i bathed Son 2; he stayed downstairs with The Man working on the Fish Tank. Then I read him Tabby McTat - the new Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler book which we’ve bought Son 2 for Friday. “Do you think he’ll like it?” I asked Son 1. “It’s a bit more complicated than the others.” “He’ll love it,” he said.   When i finally came down after putting them both to bed, the Fish Tank had water in it, the light was on and bubbles were floating about.  We were right. It is going to be good for our stress.

1.  Scrappy Doo

2.  Scooby Doo

3.  Scoopy Poo

Yesterday’s marathon gave me an afternoon off, and I took Son 1 aged 4y 10m to see Scooby Doo and the Pirates in The Big City.  I felt desperately guilty about Son 2 aged 22m… when I booked the tickets last October he was 13m old. Couldn’t walk, couldn’t talk, couldn’t do anything.  Now he thinks he’s 4, loves Scooby Doo and can point him out on a poster, loves Pirates (”Arrrr!” and “Hook!”) and would have been devastated if any of us had admitted he was being left behind. Instead we pretended that I was taking Son 1 to school, and Wonder Nanny engineered things so Son 2 was asleep when I swooped in and out to collect him.

Great show and a great time.  Just as I fell in love with Anthony during The Wiggles, there is now Something There That Wasn’t There Before with Shaggy.  He’s happy and kind,  he loves animals and dancing and he adores food. We were in the second row. Son 1 kept hiding under the chairs of the front row when the pirates came out.  He seems so big when we’re with Son 2, but on his own, in a theatre with 2000 people he seemed tiny. “I know who the pirate queen is Mummy, the  lady who likes chocolate in the first bit.” 

“Do you need the loo?” I asked before we left the theatre. “No,” he answered crossly, as he always does. Then, two miles into the 70-mile trip home “I need a poo!”  “Can you wait a bit?” “No! It’s coming!”  We stopped in a supermarket car park.  Lidl and the Co-op. Not a loo between them. We asked in a community centre. No, the loos couldn’t be opened.  It rained.  I fished in my hessian shopping bag.  A printed out email from The Office and a handful of napkins.  I perched Son 1 in a corner by a hedge. “Have a wee and then go on that.”  He obliged.  I picked up the Matter.  And that is how I came to be walking around a shopping centre with a rolled-up email filled with poo in one hand and a four year old’s grasp in the other.  I found a lined bin and got rid of it.  Pre-children, pre-swine flu, I didn’t even know you could get small bottles of antiseptic hand gel. But as it happened, I had one in the car.   I cleaned my hands. “Wash your hands with this,” I handed the bottle to Son 1.  His small voice came from the back. “Oh. Missed.  It’s gone everywhere.”

1.  A Hard Day’s Night

2.  This Will Be The Last Time

3.  You Really Got Me

Son 1 aged 4y 5m was in with me all night.  He’s always allowed the night before The Man comes home.  He is a heat-seeking missile who cannot be stayed from his course.  He is in bed to snug with Mummy, to lie against me and feel my eyebrows.  (Used to do it when he was breastfeeding.  Has never stopped.  Does it when he’s asleep. In my absence anyone’s eyebrows will do.  Also does it on Son 2 aged 18m.)  Son 2 aged 18m slept through, but woke at 6am.  I put his fan on (white noise) and got into the double bed with him.  He dozed.  Then he woke, cried, and wanted his sleeping bag removed.  I took it off.  He slithered out of bed, onto the floor, and off he went on his own.  ”Mummy’s staying in bed.” I said.  “Bye bye,” he said, stopping only to pull the blankets off the chair as he went past, opened the door and went out onto the landing in the dark.  He had the grace to totter back again and stand in the doorway.  “Mama.”  Ha.  Yes I had to get up but I think I still won on goal difference. 

We went to the New Play Centre.  On the positive side  (I Do Not Like The New Play Centre)  Son 1 had a blast, playing with Best Friend, Best Friend’s brother and another boy they know, Son 2 loved it.  He loved the Ball Pools, he loved being pushed around the baby area in a Little Tikes ride on car, he loved walking over the rope bridge, he loved playing with the sponge ball cannons, he loved rolling and climbing and sliding and pushing and just generally Being Big.  Son 1 was hilarious when I told him we weren’t buying lunch there. “Is that your tricking voice?”  No darling, they have again annoyed me and I shan’t be giving them any more money.  How do you explain the concept of a boycott to a four year old who wants sausage and chips.

Back home we had a good time. The boys ate their picnic lunches.  I got out some ham. It was smoked, and I’d bought 2 packets. “Try it, and if you don’t like it I’ll give it to Nanna.”  They wolfed it.  We played with the Wooden Railway.  Son 2 did a poo so big it went up to his neck.  Too much information, sorry.  But there was a big part of a crayon in his nappy.   He wears a one-piece vest.  His nappy tabs are fastened too tight for a crayon that size to fall down.  If something was blocking the tubes, that would account for the sheer volume when it came out.  But if Son 2 had swallowed that crayon he would have choked.  So how did it get there?  

Nanna arrived.  Son 2 wanted to watch The Wiggles again.  I booked tickets for The Wiggles.  Nanna will come.  I made Veggie Mince and tomato sauce.  Son 1 didn’t want the Veggie Mince.  But then ate it all.  A real breakthrough, offering  the possibility that I may be able to eat the same as them.  “Shall we try Daddy on this?” I asked Son 1.  “Daddy won’t eat Veggie Mince,” he said wisely.  The Man came home.  Nanna waved goodbye to Son 2 in the bath.  “Bye Bye,” he said.

1.  Bathing Beauty

2.  Separation Anxiety

3.  Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot  

0530.  Son 2 aged 16m.  WAAAAAH.  I pelted down, desperate to get there before he woke Son 1 aged 4y 4m.  Put him in the bed, snugged next to him. Nope.  He wanted up.  After a Very Long Time, annoyed that he wouldn’t go back to sleep,  I plonked him back in the cot and went to the loo.  Hell was unleashed.  So there we all were.  Up.  I was reading to Son 2.  The Man had a shower.  Son 2 wriggled down from the bed, toddled off to stare up at him and started pulling at his baby pyjamas.  In he went.   The Man came out. In I went.  Son 2 played and chattered.  I dressed, picked up the toys, put them away, went to get Son 2’s clothes.  “A-Ma,” he said, pointing at the browny matter half-sinking beside him.    But on the bright side, at least I’ had already taken all the toys out…

I got out of The Office spot on 5pm.  Driving home there were two calls from The Man on my mobile.  One I can ignore… I’m driving, I’m not pulling over.  Two… what does he want?  PIcking up from somewhere?  Can-you-get-some-vital-item?  I pulled over.  He is all right now.  He has seen Wonder Nanny’s car driving past.  He’d arrived home at 5pm and the children weren’t there.  He thought something must have happened.  “Now I know how worried you get when you’re in the house without us I’ll make sure it never happens again,” I told him.  “Goodbye,” he said.  Only not that politely.    

The boys had spent the day with two brothers aged 4 and nearly-three and their Nanny.  They’d been for tea at the other house.  Son 1 isn’t well.  Temperature, headache, obviously feeling lousy.  i gave him Calpol… Son 2 begged some.  I got out our fancy new ear thermometer.  He was very upset  “I don’t want it in my ear.”  I took The Man’s temperature.  Son 1 took mine.  (I was definitely iller than The Man.)  Son 1 was 38.9.  Ah. I’ve just put that in an online converter.  Part of the skill in taking children’s temperatures is obviously… er… understanding Celsius.    Oops.   Son 2 refused his bath.  The Man put him in, and he instantly hurdled out, crying.  He pulled his panda towel off the radiator, took it to the place I dry him each night, put it on the floor and sat on it.  I got the message and put him to bed.   Both of them down before 7.  Unheard of.  Son 2 has woken since; I’ve given him Calpol and he’s gulped water. I think we are in for a stormy night.

1.  An Awfully Small Adventure 

2.  Lost Boys

3.  The Mermaid Lagoon

I have been on an Adventure.  My first visit to The Teeming Metropolis since before Son 1aged 4y 3m was born.  I drove up after bedtime on Monday, SatNav clipped to windscreen.  Heading for Holiday Inn in Commuter Town.  Arrival 0007.  Up at 7am, phone call to the boys, in on the train.  I commuted 26 years ago.  Then the trains were full of creepy old blokes who wouldn’t leave me alone.  This train was row upon row of gorgeous young men… chiselled cheekbones, pressed shirts, floppy fringes, brilliant teeth.  Maybe I haven’t turned into a Harry Enfield character.  Billions have been spent on male grooming since 1983.   A meeting for The Office.  Then back to the Commuter Town to pick up the car.  The train in front of the train in front has broken down we have to wait/driver change ends/go back/driver change ends again/train change routes. A nice man from The Train asked if I’d like to sit in First Class because I didn’t have a seat.  Oh all right then.  Can’t think why all those people make all that fuss.  I can recommend the Railways to anyone.  Back here at half past twelve this morning. 

It was my first night away from Son 2 aged 16m.  I didn’t spent a night away from Son 1 till the two nights I had in hospital when Son 2 was born.  And then last year, two nights without him.  First when Son 2 fell out of his pram like a little Lost Boy and hit his head, second when he had gastroenteritis in July.   ”Pleeeeeeeeze don’t go,” whimpered Son 1 on Monday night, his arms snaked round my neck.    I spent most of my time in The TM thinking “Son 1 would love this.”   He pestered me for a present through a nappy-wrestle this morning when Son 2 woke us all up at 0630.  A plastic Wild Mutt toy appeared to cure the psychological damage.

Son 2 is too young to be left.  It’s played havoc with my hormones.  I don’t watch telly, - I love it, i just never get time -  but tonight The Man was channel-flicking, and there was a beautiful shot of elephants round a water hole.  Before another seven channels flashed up.  “Put the baby elephant back on,”  I said.  “I want to watch Coyote Ugly.”  “Put the baby elephant back on.” “But it’s my favourite.  They’re all going to dance half-naked on the bar in a minute.”  “PUT THE BABY ELEPHANT BACK ON.”  She was called Breeze, and she was two days old, and she played in the mud in the waterhole.  On Monday Son 2 was in the bath with me.  I left him in it while I got out, and was dressing when I heard “Ah Ma,” which means “I want you.” I turned round, and he was standing up and holding out his fists,  which were each squodging fat handfuls of poo.

1.  Coffee

2.  Church

3.  Presents

Son 1 aged 4y 3m longs for Christmas.  His tummy hurts.  He is excited.  Santa is coming tonight.  We have a deal that he can open his stocking and the big present under the tree he has his eye on - which he thinks is the Abyss underwater set but isn’t - and then he has to wait till Granny and Granddad get here.  He is also worn out.  Why are my children always so tired?  It can’t be anything to do with their five-hours-sleep-a-night full-time-working Christmas-Eve-but-I’ll-just-bash-a-blog out mother.  The Man went off to Marks for supplies with Son 2 aged 15m at about 9.  I prised Son 1 away from the telly and we met them, and Granny and Granddad for coffee.  Son 1 misbehaved, tired and excited.  Son 2, uncharacteristically, fell asleep in the Big Pram.

I took them to church.  The vicar wrote us a letter for a C of E school saying we attend from time to time, and I don’t want him to go to hell for lying.  We met some Wednesday friends there.  Son 1 and Older Brother tore up and down the aisles, played with the toys at the back and chattered, oblivious to proceedings.  Son 2 picked, uninterested, at the greenery arrangements.  In the middle of the reading Son 1 proclaimed “I need a poo,” and off we set, round pews, through doors, over concrete flooring, through an office, via a robing room (oops, that’s not it then) to the Tiny Loo.  We took Monday’s Birthday Boy with us.   Four of us couldn’t fit in, so we held the door open.  Birthday Boy is known for roaming, and wanted his Mummy.  Son 2 is unstoppable.  Son 1 took forever.  A flight of stairs plunged downwards yards from our nook.  After 10 years the Other Mother arrived, having only just realised I was three-up and out of control.  “This service isn’t very long,” I thought, as we warbled “Away in a Manger” to finish.  Then I realised we’d been waiting for Son 1 for about 20  minutes.

Son 1 put out a mince pie, a sherry and two gold chocolate coins for Santa, and a carrot and milk for the reindeer.  He was allowed to eat a chocolate coin to make sure they were good enough for Santa.  Then he decided to leave only one chocolate coin for Santa, and to put the other one back in his Trick or Treat bucket.  We decided he could leave two small ones out for Santa, but he could eat the big one.   Both boys were asleep at 7pm.  Who’s SuperMummy?  Granny and Granddad babysat, and we went round to our friends’.  We were supposed to be staying for one and then going to the pub, but they had crisps, and champagne, and an open fire, and we were talking and drinking and drinking and talking and then we had to go because G and G don’t really do Late.  Back home I put chocolate decorations on the tree, gold coins in the treasure chest and filled the stockings (not enough stocking fillers, where’s open at midnight on Christmas Eve?) while The Man heaved bags of presents down the stairs and piled them under the tree.  I need to get up at 6am to see to the turkey.  I can’t wait for the morning to come.

1.  Lifeguards

2.  The Juicy Child

3.  Monster Powers

By The Flume at our local pool there is a notice saying No Jewellery, No Contact Lenses, No Goggles etc.  The Lifeguard who has to stand at the top watching punters going down has his eyebrow pierced with a bar.  One of his colleagues has a hoop through her upper lip.  Another of his colleagues is so young that he’d be allowed on the lifeboat first with the women.  And there was a small round turd on the floor in one of the changing rooms.  I took Son 2 aged 14m to the Babies and Toddlers session and he was great.  He floated along when I swam him, he played in the noodle, he got out (often) and crawled off so I had to get out the pool to get him back.  He splashed.  He watched.  He pointed at the stairs. He tried to climb up the walls.  He lay on my front while I swam backwards.  And then he put his head on my shoulder, eyes still wide and watching.  So we came out, and he was asleep by the time we got home. 

Then I went up with Son 1 aged 4y 1m.  And we played for more than an hour and a half.  He was an alien seahorse.  The noodle was seaweed, until I pretended to eat it up, when he shouted “It’s Meat!” and cackled because Mummy’s a vegetarian.  I was a mermaid and he was a pirate. Again.  I was a  sea turtle.  He was a crocodile.  I was the Enormous Crocodile, and he was a Juicy Child.  We played with surf boards, we bounced in the waves, he climbed out and jumped in.  Towards the end of the time we met one of our Friends and her family - with (of course) a four year old boy. We haven’t seen them since the Birthday Party, so it was good to catch up.

The Man made Toad in the Hole for tea, and Son 2 wanted to play out front.  So the boys and I spent an hour outside.  Son 2 scrunched on the gravel, hauled himself up by the railings and twinkled at the passers-by.  We saw two sets of neighbours,  runners, dogs, and an old lady from the other end of the Terrace out with her New Hip.  Son 1was the Mysterious Lifeguard with Monster Powers, protecting our houses with his fire sticks, which set everything on fire except of noses.  It was noisy, it was elaborate, it involved twigs and dracaena leaves and quite a few stones landing very near me and Son 2.   Son 2 managed his tea, and asked for and ate extra sausages.  It works better when he can’t smell the cooking - we at last avoided Sunday evening melt down.

1. Organic Matter
2. Smile and Wave
3. Vegetable Matter
Son 2 aged 13m woke up in his cot at 0545. Hooray hooray. The Man was Tired, so I took the boys swimming one after another. Son 2 was so excited that in the changing room he sat by the cubicle door and bounced up and down. We sat in the baby pool in the Shallow End. There was Matter in the water. I checked Son 2’s swim nappy. It wasn’t his. I looked around. More Matter. I took Son 2 over to the lifeguard, stepping past a two inch turd lying at the bottom of the pool. “There is poo in the pool,” I told the lifeguard. “Where?” he said. “There,” I said. “And there, and there and there.” Son 2 was so keen to swim that I took him up to the Deep End where some Friends were swimming. Nothing sinister there. I watched the lifeguard go from the Shallow End to talk to his colleague at the Deep End. They changed seats. Nothing happened. 30 minutes later, a net came out. Stuff was removed from the Shallow End, many times. The net was emptied into a fire bucket. Then the fire door was opened, and the contents of the bucket were tipped onto the grass outside. As our Friend said: “Isn’t it lucky they shut the cafe?”

I took Son 2 back at the end of the session, and picked up Son 1 aged 4y 1m. At the pool, the wave machine was on, and I gave him a surfboard. He pulled himself on it and kicked and paddled effortlessly to the Deep End, where he joyfully bounced up and down on the biggest waves. Then he paddled himself over to the Tunnel, turned himself round and kicked himself backwards all the way along. Every time I tried to touch the board he pushed me off. “I can’t believe my eyes,” I said. “Where did you learn how to do all this?” “At my Nursery,” he said.

“But can he swim?” said The Man, back home. “No idea,” I said. I have taken Son 1 to swimming lessons since he did dunk-the-babies when he was about three months old. He hated going under water from the first immersion and has never budged his opinion. So now I never comment, never enquire, never try and make him do anything. The boys played, and I finished off the roast chicken dinner. I didn’t get Son 2’s on his highchair in time to avert major ice-cap melting tantrum. He couldn’t do it. Son 1 however, transformed himself into a Perfect Child. He rejected the courgettes and parsnips, but ate whacking great chunks of cauliflower and shovelfuls of leeks. He got his toy dustpan and brush and cleared up all the food Son 2 had flung overboard. Then, when I at last got near my meal, he sat on my knee and ate my cauliflower and leeks too. Apparently if you eat more vegetables after your pudding you have to have another pudding. We settled on a Scooby Doo Ice Pop.

1.  Bananas in Pyjamas

2.  Third Time Lucky

3.  The Last Breastfeed

Last night I stuck my hand in my pyjama drawer and found a designer pair from the BC days.  Cream.  Cotton/microfibre mix. Soft.  Lace at wrists and ankles.  This morning I sat in my glam nightwear propped up on pillows with Son 1 aged 4 and Son 2 aged 13m reading baby books.   Son 1 went to the loo, Son 2, who’d kicked off his pyjama bottoms, crawled after him.  I sipped my coffee. This is great, I thought.  I can’t believe I haven’t worn these lovely pyjamas for more than four years.  Son 1 called from the bathroom: “Son 2’s done a poo!”  And then: “And it’s all down his leg!” Son 2 crawled back into the bedroom, his nappy hanging off, leaving a great turd on the floor.  I picked him up and took him to the changing mat. He thrust his hands down to his willy and coated them.  I held him upright, him crying indignantly, his legs pedalling furiously in the air, and called to The Man. “I need help here.”  “I’m clearing this up. ” “I need help.” “In a minute.”  At last, The Man finished with the floor problem.  By which time Son 2 had pedalled squashy brown flecks onto my lace, my buttons, my sleeves, my shoulder and my stomach. I looked like I’d been shot by a paint gun filled with poo.  All over my beautiful, beautiful pyjamas.     

I made another appointment for Son 1 at the doctor’s, The Man took him up.  Son 1 has an ear infection and needs antibiotics.  Earache. Moaning about his ear.  Sensitive to touch. And waking screaming and feverish, night after night.  This is of course a positive blog.  But.  I believed the doctor who looked in his ears on Tuesday and said there was nothing wrong.  And, having heaved him all the way up there yesterday, I would have liked the Duty Doctor to ring back, as promised.   Son 1 wasn’t well enough to go to his friend’s party.  Looking on the bright side, we have now established that he only hollers at night when there is indeed something wrong.

I fed Son 2 for the last time tonight.  I’ve reduced the lengths of the feeds; I’m offering him milk from his cup.  I couldn’t really see him feeding in the gloom, and wondered vaguely when I last watched him.  Guilt - I know he still loves it, and he’s finally settled down to find the last feed of the day comforting.  Dread - really not looking forward to tomorrow night.  I hope it’s not hard for him.  Regret - bye bye babyhood.  Grief - no more little babies for me.   Pride - I did it, even though it was very, very hard. And I know in a week’s time we will both be fine.    Relief, maybe. I’ve picked a day, and I’m sticking with it.