1.  Nobody To Hug

2.  Fancy Dancing With The Fleas

3.  Every Little Crawling Creature You Can Name

Well let’s start off with a Big Fat Positive.  Son 2 aged 2 slept through the night without HOWLING for me. Big big relief.  Yes I know it’s only one night… but at least it shows he still can, and hasn’t flipped back to the nightmare days of a year ago when Wonder Nanny was off, Son 1 had just started the new Nursery and I’d just stopped feeding him and he WANTED HIS MUMMY.

And then. I got up at 0545.  Made lunches, put out breakfast. Cleaned. Did washing. Left dishwasher for Granny. (Daring.) Took The Man a cup of tea. Son 1 aged 5 woke, reluctantly.  We got him up. We got him dressed and fed. We were nearly on teeth and Out Of The Door.  He scratched the back of his head.  He’d scratched the back of his head on Friday, and I conditioned him and Nitty Grittied him. The back of his hairline looked red, but I took him to the Hairdresser and she didn’t find anything.  “Son 1, come over to the light and let me have a look at you.”  A Secret Thing I will tell you about Being An Older Parent is we can see Bugger All.  It’s blissful. We can’t read ingredients on packets, so we fret not over sugar or salt.  We can’t read safety warnings on toy instructions , so we never worry.  We can’t see marks on whites, pencil on walls or insects on the lino.  We can’t cut toenails: “Ow Mummy! You made me bleed!” Never, Ever, let us drive you at night.  And head lice on blond children? Forgeddit.   I am so short sighted I need blastproof thickness contact lenses. And yet my near focus has gone. So. I took out my lenses, yanked poor old Son 1 round by the window and stared at his hair from a distance of one inch. There was something dark gripping a hair which I couldn’t pick off. I combed. And I found an insect. I rang the school. Treat Him, they said, and bring him in.  I conditioned and Nitty Grittied Son 1 in the bath.  We found two more critturs.  I rubbed sheepdip into his hair.  “I need to do mine, I need to do mine,” The Man panicked. My head started to itch. Granny, in her dressing gown, looked after Son 2.  Son 1 wriggled and cried and whinged. “If you sit still Daddy will buy you a packet of Go Gos,” I said. “I need two packets,” said Son 1. “Done!” I said.  Son 1 sat, saintly, patient.  I finally got him, damp haired and stinking, to School an hour late.  I am overwhelmed at The Office at the moment. If I had to pick a day when I simply couldn’t be late, today was it.   

At The Office the “Only One Way To Get Rid Of Head Lice” stories rained down.  Wrap your hair in olive oil in a towel for two days.  Make sure you get the eggs.  Tea Tree oil.  I tackled my work pile and was pleased with how far I got. Son 2’s Godmother got the tests back. E Bloody coli.  Where did she get that? Apparently it lives in your gut and can spontaneously skate in.  One of those Shaddap About The Headlice moments. I took her sunflowers.  I went to Boots for more sheepdip.  The Assistant couldn’t have cared less about our outbreak. I just made it to Son 1’s school before the After School Club shut. Back home I shampooed and combed two slithering, wriggling children. And rubbed Agent Orange into my hair. I am bleached blonde. It will probably be green by morning.

1.  Greetings

2.   Vision

3.  Lights

I am trying to heave myself out of bed earlier, so when Son 2 aged 23m cried, I gave The Man just enough time to get to him first for the nappy change.  Son 2 called ”Mummy! Mummy!” at the sound of my tread on the stairs. The Man attended the business end on the changing mat… I had the little starfish hands reaching for me and giggles and smiles and shining eyes. 

The Man came into The Big Town, and we met for lunch. A Good Thing. He ordered for me before I got there.  There was me planning to have a green salad and mineral water, and he went and ordered hummous, ciabatta and a cappacino. Dang him.  Opposite the cafe is the optician, where weeks ago I ordered new contact lenses.  And week after week I’ve forgotten to pick them up. The Man marched me in to make sure.   I’ve been dangerously short-sighted all my life.  I knew vaguely that you get more long-sighted as you grow older, and I thought vaguely that meant I’d have perfect vision one day. Even if starting from my base line I’d need to live to be 900 to benefit. So it’s been a sad shock to realise that the near focus just… goes.  And, as you can probably tell, reading is my whole world.  Still. I travel hopefully.  My lenses are still in the bag. They will solve it all.

The Man worked very, very late last night, and I did books, bath and bed on my own. I  got back this evening and the boys were watching CBeebies.  Television After Tea!  Hell in a handcart.  They were, The Man said, sitting quietly watching it till I got in. Can’t think what made them leap up and down screaming.  No need to be that loud once the telly was off. There were fireworks at 10pm for the end of the Festival.  Son 1 insisted we wake him. “I’m a big boy! I can get up!” We woke him. He sprawled out on the window seat, his vision obscured by the window frame.  Lights and patterns exploded in the misty sky.  He drowsed. “Take me back to bed.” The Man obliged.

1.  Tik Man

2.  Seeing Straight

3.  Still

Son 1 aged 4y 9m has always sat patiently through scores and scores of books. I used to read about the Poor Mothers who had to read the same thing over and over, and rested content that my superior parenting skills  meant my son never obsessed over single stories. That was before Son 2 aged 21m. Enter  Stick Man.  “Tik Man.  Tik Man.”  From the minute he wakes up till our bedtime no-wriggle-room routine . “Tik Man. Tik Man.”  Stick Man has so many of Son 2’s Favourite Things. There is a dog, birds, sticks (naturally), a beach and a great section on being Stuck - another most-beloved phrase “DHUK!” “DHUK!”  “What would you like to read next darling?  Tiddler?  Feelings? PIrate-lift-the-flap? Farm-lift-the-flaps?” “Tik Man.  Tik Man.”

The MAn and I met in The Big Town to have our eyes tested. The optician is the father of one of Son 1’s best friends.  Optician’s Son 1 has impetigo. They have been told they will all get it.  “Are you all right?” he asked. “We’re all fine. I’m just worried about my eyes.  I can’t see in the dark, my distance vision is getting worse, I couldn’t see the splinter in Son 1’s finger in Kensington Gardens… I can’t see the boys’ scalps to check for lice and I can’t read ingredients or instructions on food packets.  It’ s clearly the result of too much computer-screen work, we agreed, although with everyone else it’s age-related. The Optician says I need a new pair of contact lenses because mine are scratched, and if I just go and buy a weak pair of off-the-shelf glasses they’ll help. And yes, I probably need to wear glasses with my contact lenses.  This is apparently the point where many people give up their lenses for glassses. I don’t know if I could . I’ve worn contact lenses for 31 years.

 Back home we took the  boys to the yacht club. Son 1 took his new golf set and played with Little Friend aged 4, whose mummy and daddy were also there.   The boys had a great time. At the start, Son 1 couldn’t hit a golf ball… by the time we left he had a respectable swing. Son 2 ran up and down bouncing a tennis ball. The Man and I had a couple of drinks and then came back. We put them to bed at half past nine and we are so praying we get a lie in tomorrow. Today’s fantastically good thing to top all good things was that for the third or fourth night in a row, when I left Son 2 he didn’t cry his eyes out. I  left him,said night night, walked out and  we didn’t hear a peep from him. Except through two run-throughs of Stick Man. .