1. Losing My Religion
2. Shiny Happy People
3. Everybody Hurts
I’ve just read a Sunday supplement piece about a businesswoman who says her spare time is spent “relaxing with the children.” A dazzling light has broken through the heavens and rays are streaming down. I think relaxing with the children would solve my entire life. My spare time is spent cleaning up after the children, nagging the children, cooking for the children, refereeing the children, yelling at the children and hoping and hoping they’ll fall asleep so I can sit down. This morning, they would have slept in till 0830, only someone changed the clocks. It has been a very long day indeed. I offered Son 1 aged 5y 1m a trip out, but he wanted to stay in, watch telly and make cakes. I will Share Time with them, I thought. I sat down. Son 2 aged 2y 1m climbed up on the table with the glass top. “Get down,” I said. “That’s dangerous.” He ignored me. I picked him up and put him on the ground. He climbed up again. “No,” I said. “It’s dangerous.” When he got up for the third time, I went downstairs to the kitchen, Refusing To Pay Attention To His Behaviour. I made fairy cake mix. I mixed yeast for bread-making. The boys trailed downstairs, pulled chairs up to the worktops and bickered. I struggled with the dough. ”If it’s a bit sticky, add some more flour,” said Annabel K. It was liquid. We poured half a packet of bread flour in. I gave two splodges to Son 2, and 2 to Son 1. Son 2 ignored them and ate butter from the packet with his fingers. Son 1 tried to make animal shapes like the picture, but just superglued his fingers together. I put his chair next to the sink so he could wash his hands. Son 2 was up there in a flash. Rubber gloves, sponges, cups, knives and tubs were all flung in. I took him upstairs and he screamed and squirmed in protest.
We watched “Big.” Many many years ago, The Man and I were Tom Hanks fans. Way before Philadelphia. Way before his films got meaty and meaningful. “Big” was always a favourite, and I’d bought the DVD cheap and never watched it. I told Son 1 the story outline. “A boy wishes he was Big, and his wish comes true.” The film started. Son 1 got his first sight of Josh, aged 12. ”He’s already Big,” he said, giving a little window into his world which has stayed with me all day. He lived the story: ”Can he change back?” every five minutes till I put him out of his misery. At the salient point: “Is he going to stay Big?” And “Why doesn’t she make a wish too?” as Josh’s girlfriend runs after him. “What would you wish for if you found that machine?” I asked. “I would wish for every day to be my birthday.”
Spaghetti hoops and home made bread rolls for lunch. They ate the spaghetti hoops. Nanna came round and we iced the fairy cakes. I gave the boys dolly mixtures - a gift from Nanna last time - to use as decorations. Very few made it on to the cakes. They iced and they drew, oblivous to the sprinkles stuck to their faces like multi-coloured five-day stubble. They ate cakes for pudding after tea, and were high as kites when I took them upstairs for bed. I bathed Son 1, got him in his pyjamas and cleaned his teeth. I bathed Son 2, got him out of the bath and he hid under the towel to play “boo,” like normal. He came out, giggling, burped, and then threw up all over me, getting my hair, ear, arm and trousers. It was fish for tea, and it stunk like seal vomit. “Clear it up, it’s horrible,” said Son 1. I gathered up soiled towels and clothes, showered, and changed into my pyjamas. There was a loud thump from the bedroom. Son 2 had tipped a Christmas Cactus over on the carpet, breaking the plant and scattering compost and plants over the floor. I cleared that up as well.
Tags: annabel Karmel, baking, Big, cake decorating, christmas cactus, clocks changing, relaxing with the children, Tom Hanks. Nanna, vomit
