I would love some input from all you wise FWR women (and men), please. I have namechanged because this might potentially make me very recognisable (I’m an occasional regular).
I am mightily pissed off, really, really pissed off. Our daughter is not happy at secondary school (former comp/academy) – the school itself is good, academically, and she is doing very well (top sets etc). She’s got a good group of friends. But she often comes back quite upset and unhappy. She wants to change schools, preferably to an all-girls and/or grammar school.
The main problem seems to be the behaviour of boys. Not all boy, but also not just a small group of boys. There is an awful lot of name calling and unpleasantness directed at girls (possibly not all, but not just a few, certainly not just our daughter). Things like commenting on appearance and behaviour, ‘give me a hug’ etc. Calling girls ‘bitches’, ‘little bitches’ or ‘fat bitches’ seems to be particularly popular. Bullying essentially.
We had a lot of tears, angst and teenage tantrums at the end of the last academic year. We contacted the school and spoke to her tutors, head of year, and anti-bully teacher (can’t remember the exact title). Initially we were impressed by their response as they seemed to take it seriously. We had a look at a couple of other schools, but in the end decided to wait and see what happened. Our daughter seemed ok with this and was reassured that we were taking her seriously, looking at other schools etc. (Though she wasn’t impressed with us talking to school!) We agreed to wait and see, as well as talking to the school again early this academic year.
A few weeks into the new academic year, our daughter is still unhappy and is once again talking about wanting to change school. My husband has just spoken to one of the senior teachers to set up a meeting. Whereas last term we felt that they were taking this seriously, this doesn’t seem to be the case anymore.
Apparently it’s our daughter who has the problem because she can’t deal with ‘normal adolescent male behaviour’. She needs to build her resilience. Which may be true to some extent – but she is not in the wrong, why does she have to change!? And the fact that other girls seem to cope with it better doesn’t mean it’s not a problem. In fact, I think it may be more of a problem, because those girls are likely to internalise it: that's just how boys behave, boys have a right to comment on what I look like and how I behave and I’d better change my looks/behaviour accordingly. It doesn’t bode well for healthy relationships.
In my opinion, this is yet again an example of girls/women being told they have to change, they’re too sensitive etc and that that’s just the way boys/men behave. It is a fundamental problem which is indicative of a lot of problems in gender relations. As far as I’m concerned there is an underlying sexist and misogynistic culture which is so endemic and pernicious that it’s accepted as ‘just the way it is’. That’s just the way ‘normal adolescent males’ behave and girls just need to deal with it.
It is sexist, misogynistic bullying. As I’ve said, it’s not all boys who behave like this, but it seems a large enough group. I would also dispute that it’s ‘normal adolescent male behaviour’ – I think that’s rather insulting to boys. Also, if there were persistent bullying of a group of children of, for example, a certain ethnic group, it would be stamped on pretty quickly by the school (hopefully, and quite rightly so). Why is it ok for girls to be bullied like this by (some) boys?
In my opinion, the school needs to target this very specifically and ‘call a spade a spade’, i.e. talk about sexism, misogyny etc. They seem to be very proud of their anti-bullying, team-building etc days/assemblies, but I think that’s just empty rhetoric, it doesn’t change anything.
Anyway. We’ve got a meeting set up. I would love your opinion on this. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Does anybody have any experience with this?
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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions
Schools, sexism and bullying
19 replies
ChangedNames · 07/10/2013 15:11
OP posts:
BuffytheAppleBobber ·
07/10/2013 15:46
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