Lapdancing and telling off dh's mate.

(366 Posts)
Manchesterhistorygirl Wed 02-Oct-13 17:41:54

I blame you lot. Thanks.

Last night dh's friend was telling him all about his recent visit to a lap dancing bar. I told him he and his mates were a bunch of twats and I was disgusted at them all, especially since they all have partners.

I also told dh if I ever found out he'd done the same it'd be the absolute last thing he ever did.

So my nest of vipers, thank you for giving me the confidence to handle a situation I've always found disgusting, but wouldn't have ever spoken out about until I joined here.

EarthMither Wed 02-Oct-13 17:42:56

Excellent work Manchesterhistorygirl - well done smile

BasilBabyEater Wed 02-Oct-13 21:52:35

grin

Go you!

WoTmania Wed 02-Oct-13 22:08:44

Brilliant smile

JessInAvalon Thu 03-Oct-13 07:08:41

Excellent! I think one of the problems is that these places have become so normalised that when men do go a lot of women don't feel able to speak up. I know I didn't when it happened to me as all the other wives/gf's were just telling me to deal with it. It would not be ok for a man to get a woman round to the house to give him a lap dance on a Saturday night but somehow it's ok in a club for a tenner on the high street!

ArmyDad Thu 03-Oct-13 09:29:29

Oh well done you. "Telling off" your DPs mate. Maybe there is some other aspects of their lives you could "correct" him on too.

BuffytheFeministFeminist Thu 03-Oct-13 09:49:41

ArmyDad what other misogynistic behaviour do you think her DH's friend might exhibit?

ReviewsOffers Thu 03-Oct-13 10:18:29

ArmyDad is right you know.

You should simply stay silent, dear, and perhaps make some sandwiches.
Men understand these things, and if you find yourself getting irrational about some manly joshing about you should just remember that it's not your place to stand up for your poorly understood principles. It's not very pleasant for the poor chaps for someone to find fault with their behaviour.

Be a lady, my dear.

BasilBabyEater Thu 03-Oct-13 10:23:55

Yes when men rub your nose in your inferior status, STFU and make them a sandwich.

zippey Thu 03-Oct-13 11:11:58

Its good you are sticking to your principles but unless you were asked for an opinion I would have kept stumm. I hope u didn't tell your DH off in front of his friends. That would be awful and embarrassing, for both of you.

If your purpose was to educate why it is mysogenistic to visit these places, you probably came over all ranty and unreasonable. You will probably be the subject of derision and it doesn't do anyone any good. I would apologise for your behaviour next time you see him and explain why you don't like these clubs in a well informed manner.

I am ambivalent re lap dancing, but as long as everyone is consenting, including your friends partners, then all is ok in my book.

ReviewsOffers Thu 03-Oct-13 11:19:36

it's easy for you to say Keep Stum if you have no objection, Zippey

but would you feel the same if it was an issue that you felt strongly was harmful? Racism, and homophobia or the environment, whatever?

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 03-Oct-13 11:21:34

Its good you are sticking to your principles but unless you were asked for an opinion I would have kept stumm.

Yes!! Women, know your place. Do not talk about things that don't concern you. And don't be ranty and unreasonable. Or shrill. Definitely don't be shrill. Or hysterical either. hmm

Well done, OP. Women don't have to STFU about these things.

Yougotbale Thu 03-Oct-13 11:28:49

You threatened to kill him? That sounds abusive

zippey Thu 03-Oct-13 11:33:16

@Reviewsoffers

Hello, you make an interesting point. If it was about an issue I cared about such as sexism/racism/homophobia, I probably would not have been able to have kept quiet. Then again, I probably wouldn't have called them vile and disgusting. I'd probably try and engage why they thought those things, and try and put over a reasoned argument on why their views were wrong.

I think this was the OPs downfall. Not her views but the way she closed the argument by being nasty to her DHs friend. Not everyone shares her views and who is to say either is right in their views?

fleacircus Thu 03-Oct-13 11:37:37

Zippey, I thought you must be joking. But how is this not about sexism?

zippey Thu 03-Oct-13 11:39:24

@sabrina

I would say this isn't a female/male issue. It's about acknowledging that people have a difference of opinions, likes and dislikes, and activities, and behaving appropriately when debating those differences.

The OP just comes across as a bit controlling.

ReviewsOffers Thu 03-Oct-13 11:42:07

well zippey
AHEM I'll tell you who is right! wink

You make a good point too about the way the views are expressed - yet when you are passionate it's easy to go on a bit. Still, OP could argue that their actions are causing harm at a level greater than being strongly disagreed with by a friends' wife, so they should be able to take it.
I still maintain she was right to say what she thinks without sugarcoating it - the conversation was going on there around her, it's a bit 'be a good little lady' to expect her to just sit in silence.
You wouldn't expect a black person to sit all decorous and mannerly if they were joking about perpetuating racism.

Yougotbale wow what an insight. of course you are right that's it exactly.

No one tells me what to say - in my house I'd have done the same

If out and couldn't be arsed I'd have left

SabrinaMulhollandJjones Thu 03-Oct-13 11:45:29

I would say that discussing lapdancing clubs is absolutely a female/male thing.

Your post basically said 'you just have to put up with it, as your opinion wasn't asked.' Why should she have to be quiet until her opinion is asked?? Do the men wait to be asked for their opinion?

Yougotbale Thu 03-Oct-13 11:48:57

Review - lol. It was a joke. I think it's right for the OP to speak up and give an opinion. As it is for the husbands mate.

The OP sounds threatening and controlling. I would do a runner

MomentForLife Thu 03-Oct-13 11:54:29

Good for you OP. I would be pissed off if my DP was visiting these places and I'd tell his mates they were twats too. Don't care if that's controlling.

Private dances don't cost that much, and who'd be happy with their partner having a fully naked girl gyrating around them?

Faux Thu 03-Oct-13 11:58:40

I would have told them I considered them vile and disgusting too. Good on you OP.

zippey Thu 03-Oct-13 12:04:06

@fleacircus
I don't see how a person going to a lap dancing club is sexist. The recent debate on here about women sitting at the back of classrooms in an Islamic school is sexist because they are treating women differently to men. I don't see how women are being discriminated against. Maybe you can enlighten me.

To me its just business, albeit a less than savory one. If a woman chooses to do it and a man chooses to pay, or vice versa, who am I to decide who is right or wrong.

zippey Thu 03-Oct-13 12:11:04

I hope that made sense. I think one is sexist, the other isn't. My opinion only of course. Anyway the debate has moved on and I'm out for just now.

BuffytheFeministFeminist Thu 03-Oct-13 12:13:34

Zippy lap dancers are females, paid to display their bodies provocatively for men. They are being treated as sex objects by the men that pay for their services. They are also given very poor terms of employment by the clubs.

That's why it's sexist.

And men visiting these clubs help perpetuate the culture that sees no issue in the proliferation of women's bodies being packaged and sold for male titillation, thus creating a significant barrier to equality. Also people are saying that women shouldn't express their opinions on the matter, or that they should only do so if asked or in certain polite and diffident ways.

That's misogynistic.

And yes, before you say it, I know that there are male strippers. There are significantly fewer and the circumstances under which they perform are very different.

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