To try and summarise.. i left my alcoholic and also extremely misogynistic and abusive fiance this summer. I fled everything and am in the horrible position of being back at my parents, in a complete mess, traumatised and with a life to rebuild.
I have tried to keep my head down and just get on with things, but ex's abuse and harrassment still reaches me. I'm waiting to see my DV advisor and will probably have to get an order against him as he's stopping me from moving on.
Ex is continuously spreading vicious lies and rumours about me, inc on public forums such as facebook and a podcast he does. So far i've tried to keep dignity and ignore it all, though it's hard. But it all came to a head last week.
I know Facebook isnt the place for it,but it's all i'm on , apart from Mumsnet. Even then, i did not lower to his depths..and did not mudsling at all . I put (on my status) that i was sick of the lies and having to justify and explain myself all the time.. and felt i was being punishing merely for having left abuse. I did not name him personally, just referred to as my ex. And warned others against him..with good reason..he was harrassing my friends and family right then. That is all i put.
I should explain that when he puts vicious rants about me, there's very few that stick up for me. Most people just ignore..i guess by now, they know what/ who he is. (i have blocked him by the way, but people keep telling me what he's put) Sadly, some people actually support him..enablers..and send him money to live on, as his now slashed benefits all go on booze. He is very charming and charismatic so is very good at pretending to people he's in the right all the time and will make up lies as to why i left..eg i had affairs or whatever...he will tell people i'm mentally ill and lie about abuse (when he himself is mentally ill, and I am not, though i have bad anxiety and depression over all this)
When i put my statuses saying i thought the lies were unfair.and to warn people.. my inbox was flooded. Strangely enough..it was male friends offering sympathy and support. It was some women... who were the opposite. Telling me to take down my statuses as i was doing myself no favours . That i was laying myself too bare and vulnerable (but unlike my ex, id given no specifics about anything)
They said i'd be laying myself open to more attack from him.
I took down all my statuses.
But he's still kicking off at me and spreading muck
I'm angry i should be told to keep quiet and not speak out. Why should i try and protect him ? Pretend it never happened?
I realise FB is not the place..but i wasnt mudslinging, merely warning others that he was harrassing my friends and it could be them next..and not to believe any lies.
So..should i have removed them ? After all, others make a stand for things on FB be it something they're promoting, or something they believe in.
Why shouldn't i promote anti misogny, if i wanted? And be empowered that i left him?
why is it women telling me to keep quiet as it's airing dirty laundry (and i emphasise again..unlike him, i gave NO details)
HOw is me talking about him , letting him win? (that was their accusation) He's stripped me bare, there is nothing more he can take from me.
Why should i pretend DV doesnt happen, so people can go on ignoring it and burying their heads?
I'm not trying to be a victim..I'm a survivor. I'm happy I left. Why are other women warning me to keep quiet?
I would really appreciate views here but please go easy on me! i'm still reeling from what he's put me through and the damage he's still causing.
Feminism: Sex & gender discussions
Is there a time and place to NOT speak up about misogyny and abuse? eg facebook and the like
alltoomuchrightnow · 02/09/2013 18:50
he is blocked. but mutual friends keep me informed of the vile spew he says about me and others (he will drag my friends into it too) i guess its cyber bullying. he will put very personal stuff about me like about my fertility, dress size etc or accuse me of all sorts eg affairs with married men or that i have eating disorders (how kind he is..and disrespectful others that have problems that he's accusing me of).. last week he went too far and he broke up my relationship with a new man. I'm totally heartbroken..and furious. He announced on FB that he'd break us up..and then he did. He outed loads of very personal stuff about me and this guy inc stuff from past and a good measure of lies. that's why i finally said something in my statuses. and it was the woman telling me to keep quiet! 
The new guy wants nothing to do with me now, because my ex wont leave me alone and therefore will target them too (which he did)
I think your women 'friends' are doing the classic of minimising nasty male behaviour and focussing solely on quite reasonable female behaviour and equating them at the same level. I also don't think that they want to face up to the fact that you were in an abusive relationship and they stood by and let it happen.
This is one of the many reasons women find it so difficult to leave abusive relationships. There are so many enablers outside their relationship.
I'm not surprised you feel let down. Anyone would. Your feelings are valid and I'm sorry you are going through this. You haven't done anything wrong.
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