Erotic photographs- don't know my own mind!

(16 Posts)
k2togm1 Wed 28-Aug-13 09:55:50

I'm a regular but I've nc as know mnters in rl.
Dh is a keen amateur photographer, before ds I posed for him several times. When I got pregnant though I started feeling uneasy about it, my concerns were things like ds finding them when he is older (some are not just erotic, but rather pornographic) or about how would I feel if a possible dd was doing that with her partner. I don't know if this is just a prude long lasting side effect of nuns education, or what.
I don't get the 'It makes me confident/empowered' thing, although I feel I 'should' feel flattered dh still finds me beautiful/attractive enough to photograph. Notice the 'should', I feel beauty is overrated and photos of ugly things can be just as interesting.
Gosh I ramble, sorry. I guess I am posting in feminism because I feel i am missing that perspective.
Thanks

JourneyThroughLife Wed 28-Aug-13 14:35:15

Not sure whether my comments will be very helpful, but personally I wouldn't have worried about it myself. But I can see that it depends on many things, such as what happens to the photos once they're taken? Are they just for personal pleasure, or to sell, or will they make their way online?
The human body is beautiful, in all its forms...doesn't have to be young, slim and so on to be attractive. If you see the pictures as art, or as erotica, or as pornogrpahy for pleasure, it makes no difference if you're comfortable with that. In which case it shouldn't matter who finds them, including ds when he's older. But if you're unhappy in any way, then it's probably an indication that it's time to call a halt. Nothing to do with being a prude or not, just everything to do with it being your body and your choice...

TunipTheUnconquerable Wed 28-Aug-13 16:29:19

If you don't like it, don't do it. You don't have to justify it to yourself or anyone. And the word 'prude' is just a horrible misogynist term that has been used for years to shame and guilt-trip women into doing things they don't want.

I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with your dh wanting to do this but it is all taking place in the context of a society which objectifies women to an overwhelming and oppressive degree, so having photos taken of you, even by your dh (who you are presumably quite happy to have fancy you) may trigger your natural discomfort at being part of the wider oppressive context.

Does that help?

FreyaSnow Wed 28-Aug-13 16:40:27

I agree with Tunip. You don't need to work out a complex reason to justify why you don't want to do it. If you don't enjoy it any more, don't do it.

scallopsrgreat Wed 28-Aug-13 16:44:42

What would your DH say if you told him you didn't want to do it any more and that it made you feel uncomfortable? Would he accept that or try and persuade you otherwise?

JohFlow Wed 28-Aug-13 16:53:35

If you are in two minds you shouldn't do it. If you don't want to - you definitely shouldn't do it! I would also ask for the other photos as they are of you and you would like to take personal responsibility for keeping them private from your children. Perhaps the older photos served a purpose at the time. But you sound like you have been through some changes and it may be time to 'park' the photography.

TeiTetua Wed 28-Aug-13 18:34:17

People have responded as though there was a proposal to make additional erotic pictures, and I didn't read the message that way--it seems to me as if the concern is what happens to pictures taken in the past.

As Tunip said, there is the "context of a society which objectifies women to an overwhelming and oppressive degree". Those pictures inevitably fit into that context, even if they're part of a couple's private life--personal material, but it's political too. You can't present this question to a group of feminists and expect everyone to be totally polite about that! And it is the sad case that there are plenty of men who'd happily share intimate photos of their wives, as part of some status game with other men; hopefully the OP's husband is a good bloke who never would, but is he gloating over a little stash there?

But just seeing the pictures as innocently representing the sexual side of the couple's relationship, it does seem like an embarrassment waiting to happen if there are kids around. Of course we start off with "I'm no prude but", however the idea of home-made erotica getting into my children's hands (even if it happens when they're going through old documents when I'm dead and gone) doesn't seem amusing, and I doubt if they'd appreciate it either. It just looks like something to worry about over the coming years. Maybe it's OK to see Mum looking a bit voluptuous when the old folks were younger, but I wouldn't want to carry it past that point.

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Wed 28-Aug-13 19:51:15

Were you happy doing them before you got pregnant?

k2togm1 Wed 28-Aug-13 20:08:44

Quick reply as all your replies are thought provoking and I need to mull over them.
No you are right assuming dh has asked again, and yes, I did want to do it then, but I wasn't thinking of the possibility of a son or daughter finding it!
If I said I didn't want to he would sulk a bit but respect that.
Everything we've done is only for us, he would not boast online or otherwise, I know that.
I posted in feminism precisely because I wanted a feminist perspective.
Right, off to re-read and think!

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Wed 28-Aug-13 20:27:07

Sexuality changes over time anyway and you might not want to do it anyway. For example - if they were just digital photos and were deleted a week after he took them - would you want to do it again (you don't have to answer but it might help your thinking)

TheDoctrineOfPositivityYes Wed 28-Aug-13 20:28:34

Please insert "kids or no kids" after the "anyway" in my post above, thanks.

You don't have to do it if you don't want to, end of. Also (I say this as someone who knows a lot of photographers) pictures taken of a reluctant model are often awful. if your H is a nice man and wants to celebrate your beaity then he won't want to shoot pics of you looking anxious and miserable.

However, there is nothing shameful in posing for erotic photographs, if you enjoy doing it and trust the photographer. There's actually nothing shameful in having been talked into posing for photographs that you later regret, and anyone who condemns the model in such a situation is a slut-shaming, woman-hating arsehole.

grimbletart Wed 28-Aug-13 21:28:23

How would your DH feel if, say, you were the keen amateur photographer and you wanted him to be the subject of erotic, or in your own words, rather pornographic photographs? Would he be OK with that? It seems as bit one-sided to me.

I was interested to see you said he would sulk a bit but respect your view if you declined. Why sulk? He has taken his photographs and taking photograph after photograph seems a pointless exercise.
Personally I would point him towards some lovely butterflies or something to broaden his horizons a bit.smile

If you feel uneasy, don't do it. It's not a matter of being a prude or a feminist. It's your body and you should be in control of what happens to it, husband or not. If you are 100% happy then go ahead, with the proviso that they are in your keeping only.

OctopusPete8 Thu 29-Aug-13 08:50:24

I dont think we are talking about slut shaming here, I think she's scared of her children being made uncomfortable traumatised by probably very nicely done, but graphic pictures of there parents doing the nasty, If most kids came across that they would feel physically ill, doesn't make them 'slut shamers' dear me.

If you're that bothered but it somewhere locked etc, where they can't find it.

k2togm1 Thu 29-Aug-13 11:12:50

smile Your posts today have made me smile. If I asked him to pose for me he'd be delighted! Actually I might do just that.

They are kept as secure as they can be already, under logarithmic passwords in coded external drivers.

I think I need to relax a bit. I wondered about what my children would think of me rather than what they would <feel>, which is just a step further from seeing us kissing/hugging... With some luck they will never find them.

The idea of me photographing dh is appealing because it makes it equal iyswim, I was worried about being objectified, but perhaps I should trust a bit more the man that has stood by me through good and bad, and who despite me being chopped to pieces during childbirth still thinks I have a body he'd like to preserve and look at.

Thanks all for helping me think this through, I haven't replied to all the points but I have read them and consider them.

OctopusPete8 Thu 29-Aug-13 12:03:42

Just keep them well hidden OP, well if ur DH is in them aswell then its more what they will think of both of you surely?

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