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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

"Decent" types and assault on women

17 replies

GetStuffezd · 29/06/2013 20:04

I work with this guy. He's a nice guy about fifty, nice wife, nice son, "pillar of the community" type, etc. A few of us were chatting over coffee the other day and he was talking and laughing about an incident when he was at school when a female student teacher was dragged into a toilet and assaulted by a group of his mates. I expressed shock at this, to which he replied "she must have enjoyed it because she never reported it!" I just felt sick. I didn't know how to respond. I am quite cowardly sometimes - something I hate about myself. When he realised I wasn't laughing along he tried to back pedal, claiming he hadn't done it himself, he just watched. (!) The whole thing made me feel sick.

I know no good would have come of laying into this person but it just shocked me that someone I thought was a decent person could say such things. How many people do we know who think like this? Maybe I'm over-reacting.

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ReginaPhilangie · 29/06/2013 20:26

Actually I think you'd be surprised by how many people do think like that TBH. He's not a nice guy though, really he's not. If he can stand by and watch something like that and then laugh about he's really not a nice guy. Nice guys don't laugh and watch something like that. They try to stop it, and most certainly don't find it funny.

I'm like you and sometimes find it difficult to challenge when something like that is said, and it makes me angry with myself.

You're not over-reacting BTW.

GetStuffezd · 29/06/2013 20:45

Thanks, Regina. I agree he can't be a decent guy, but he's very well liked and respected. Thirty years ago this would have happened - were these things perceived as less horrific than they are now?

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SugarandSpice126 · 29/06/2013 20:53

This makes me feel sick to my stomach...I'd have to idea what to say either. I can't believe dragging a woman to the toilets and assaulting her is a "joke" to some people. It scares the hell out of me that there might be people generally considered "decent" around me that have those views.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 29/06/2013 20:58

GetStuffezd - I do believe people can change and that, for example, a teenager who watched and didn't stand up to appalling behaviour could grow into a man who understood the awfulness of what he had participated in. The thing is, that man wouldn't have talked and laughed about it, would he?

He still thought it was funny and no big deal. Only as you gently challenged him did the penny start to drop that it wasn't seen that way.

TeiTetua · 29/06/2013 21:14

Just maybe, if (under what circumstances, I can't guess) he might say in the way of a confession "Back when I was a boy, I saw my friends to a terrible thing and I didn't do anything to stop them because I wasn't brave enough, and it's always been on my conscience", a person could sympathize. But no, all these years later, he still thinks it was fun.

If I had the courage myself, after he recounted his story I might ask him, "So, did that become a lifelong habit, then?" Not likely to add to the office camaraderie, though.

betterthanever · 29/06/2013 23:14

My reaction in my head was;`OMG' the poor women - do you really believe she must have enjoyed it'! that would have come out of my mouth I think, but then when I get really shocked by something I sometimes don't say it, esp if it is from someone you don't expect. You will never see him in the same light again hey.

ThirdTimesABrokenFanjo · 30/06/2013 00:17

Id report to the police, nothing would come of it im sure but maybe he would learn it was a sexual assault and not to repeat it. At the very least i would reporr it to work because sexual assault stories seem like harrasment to me. id not give a fuck about work atmisphere tbh

sashh · 30/06/2013 02:31

At the very least i would reporr it to work because sexual assault stories seem like harrasment to me.

good point.

Alanna1 · 30/06/2013 10:07

I'd write yourself a note of exactly what he said happened, and then I too would report it. The poor woman. And maybe some of the others have gone on to offend again.

TheDoctrineOfAllan · 30/06/2013 21:41

You could ask him what he would have thought if that happened to his daughter or sister or wife.

Or if it happened to his son or his brother or to him.

BasilBabyEater · 30/06/2013 21:52

It is a very interesting point as to why this man chose to divulge this incident from his past.

Most of us don't choose to share events we're ashamed of or not very proud of, with our work colleagues.

What was his motivation? Did he really think it was just a funny story? Could he really be totally unaware of the implications of what he was saying?

PromQueenWithin · 01/07/2013 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scallopsrgreat · 01/07/2013 13:52

Well to put it bluntly he isn't decent is he?

"she must have enjoyed it because she never reported it!" And there speaks male privilege. He hasn't even considered that there would be any other reason why she wouldn't have reported it because he can think of no reason why he wouldn't report something that was illegal and he didn't enjoy.

It is also telling that he knew she would have a right to report it. So at some level he knew what they were doing was wrong yet he still chose to tell you and laugh about it. That is really chilling. He thought it was OK to tell you they had assaulted a woman because he knew there would be no repercussions. And I don't mean repercussions from the people he was telling but wider repercussions. He was pretty certain you wouldn't take it any further than that room. (I am not for one minute suggesting that you should, if you don't want to.)

slug · 01/07/2013 15:26

How did he know she hadn't reported it other than there were no repercussions for him? She may well have, only to be told that it was just "boys being boys" or something similar.

scallopsrgreat · 01/07/2013 17:15

Good point!

Beachcomber · 03/07/2013 09:46

How hideous GetStuffezd. I find that sort of thing really upsets me and I agree that it is a form of sexual harassment/bullying. If you can, you should report it. I appreciate that this may not be easy depending on where you work and who deals with this sort of thing.

What a boorish piece of shit he sounds like. IMO 'pillars of the community' often are.

Beachcomber · 03/07/2013 09:53

And I would report it on the angle that I didn't feel safe at work.

Because I don't feel safe around people who think sexual assault is funny and who are unable to show appropriate adult empathy for victims of sexual assault to the point where they think telling female colleagues about their involvement in a sexual assault is an acceptable subject of conversation in a work context.

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