My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

"Your surname isn't your own it's your fathers"

33 replies

heidihole · 01/02/2013 16:01

I'm struggling to get my head around an argument I keep hearing.

I'm married and kept my name.

I read a lot of threads on here that say basically "it's not your own name anyway its your fathers, so why don't you drop it and take your husbands"

But by that argument my husbands name isn't his own, it's HIS fathers. So if I'm choosing between my father's name, or my father-in-law's name of course my preference is for my father! He's my family, my dad!

If i'm choosing between my name or husbands name then of course my preference is for my name.

It's not comparing like-for-like to say my names my dads, but DH's name is his.

Does anyone know why people use this stupid argument because it does my head it!

OP posts:
Report
wem · 01/02/2013 16:04

It's absurd isn't it? I hear it a lot. Usually people who are blindly looking for a reason why keeping your name is wrong and just don't want to think too deeply about it.

Report
Sunnywithshowers · 01/02/2013 16:11

It's stupid.

I figure that, after having used my name for so long, it's my bloody name.

Report
Booyhoo · 01/02/2013 16:20

this is my name. there are many like it, but this one is mine.
Grin

i inherited this name from my father, that is true. but the fact that it is preceeded by 'booyhoo' means that booyhoo is the owner of the name until I decide to change it for another (which i may never do). if i do, i will then own which ever name i decide to attach to booyhoo.

Report
PeggyCarter · 01/02/2013 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeggyCarter · 01/02/2013 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatherineKrupnik · 01/02/2013 16:28

My name is my mothers name! And the last man it belonged to was my great great grandfather.

Report
TheFallenNinja · 01/02/2013 16:30

It's a pretty thin argument really. Take the name, don't take the name. It's nobody else's business.

Report
FloraFox · 01/02/2013 16:40

I meet quite a lot of people who are like Hmm that I changed my name, including people who knew me when I was younger. I have occasionally used the father's name argument usually without the follow up "so I chose the name of the man who was actually at the wedding". My mum had already changed her name to her mother's maiden name. Name schmame.

Report
44SoStartingOver · 01/02/2013 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dublinrose37 · 01/02/2013 16:45

Personal choice, I kept my name because I like it and it feels more me. Most women I know have changed their names and so long as they are not being pressured I don't have a beef with it.

Report
diplodocus · 01/02/2013 16:50

I think each to his own. However, I did feel a bit irritated at being acsused of being unfeminist when I changed to my husbands name (for purely practical reasons) by people who had chosen to keep their father's- which is all part of the same patriarchal system.

Report
OddBoots · 01/02/2013 16:50

There are a lot of people who seem to bother themselves beyond idle curiosity about the decisions people make which impact only themselves - it's true of all areas of life.

Report
Yama · 01/02/2013 16:52

Well, my dd's name is my name so at least she won't hear that tired, lazy, old argument.

Report
bigbadbarry · 01/02/2013 16:53

I might have been given it because it was my father's, but I have had it all my life so Barry is just as much my name, given to me at birth, as Big Bad.

Report
MarinaIvy · 01/02/2013 16:58

They're idiots. Leave the bastards.

Report
BoringSchoolChoiceNickname · 01/02/2013 17:01

I think it's a rubbish argument against keeping your maiden name, but it's a reasonable enough argument to defend a decision to change it.

Report
PromQueenWithin · 01/02/2013 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

feministefatale · 01/02/2013 17:02

People are stupid. I was born with my maiden name, so it's my name. Men who are named John Jr aren't told John isn't their real name.

Even if they really believed that it still isn't an explanation for changing a name you have lived with for 25 years (and I actually did change my name)

Report
feministefatale · 01/02/2013 17:03

Also it doesn't expalin why men don't change their names.

Report
EmmelineGoulden · 01/02/2013 17:08

I'm not sure of the thinking behind that argument for the people that use it.

I suppose the giving of fathers' names to their children could be seen as a marker of ownership - in past times children were the property of fathers as well as wives weren't they? So in that sense the fact you were once given a name by your father to mark his ownership of you could be seen as no different from being given a name by your husband to mark his ownership of you.

I think particularly if you haven't had a good relationship with your father then it might seem like a bit of a relief to get away from his name, and that argument would seem quite supportive.

Not really my point of view though. I see the uneven nature of just one half of the couple giving up a name and breaking the narrative of their life (in a small way) to be the problematic aspect of it.

Report
IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 01/02/2013 17:19

It's a weak argument, at best, but one that wouldn't be put forward at all if women who have chosen to change their name weren't criticised for blindly doing so without thought and against all reason. I had several reasons for wanting to ditch my maiden name, and several reasons for wanting to take my married name. Almost 20 years down the line I would probably have taken the opportunity to take my mothers maiden name which is nicer than my married name and a million times better than my bloody awful maiden name. However it's a choice I made at the time, a considered choice and when people infer that I must be a bit stupid or unthinking or I am anti-feminist then it is almost so annoying that I might trot out some ridiculous counter argument. I haven't got to that point yet but I've been close.

Report
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 01/02/2013 17:25

I kept my name when I married.
It is my Mum's name, not my Dad's.

The man it comes from is my lovely grandfather. I am proud to have his name and I would never change it.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

wherearemysocka · 01/02/2013 18:06

It's not my father's name though, is it? He didn't exactly make it up himself. He got it when he was born, same as my brothers, my fiancé and I did. Only thing is that they all get to keep theirs, but mine is apparently only temporary until I get passed on.

Report
MidnightMasquerader · 01/02/2013 18:20

It's an utterly daft argument.

My brother would get to keep the name - his name - on entering the marriage stakes. But apparently the name is only on loan to me because I'm a woman?

Why does it belong more to him than to me?

Besides, if you're going to make a stand about something, you have to start somewhere. Just passively going along with I for this particular reason is the silliest reason ever.

Disclaimer 1. I took my husband's name after a few years of marriage but will defend to the death any woman's right to keep their own name.

Disclaimer 2. My brother is gay so is really never going to have to give up his name. Grin

Report
FloraFox · 01/02/2013 19:23

It's no more of a stupid argument than the argument that surnames have any importance other than to denote patriarchal lineage. Call yourself whatever you like.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.