friend rejected my view of bdsm- what do you think?

[sophie69]

I had a conversation with my DF on Friday night and she was appalled by my view.

I told her I was seeing a guy on a regular basis for regular BDSM experiences. The setup is great- a good guy who is warm and friendly. But both of us have no interest in a relationship. It is purely an experimentation thing- we meet up, he fulfils me and I leave. I don't think of him when it is happening; i think of BFs or other men I know. I love the feeling- he binds me and play with me, he know what I like, and it is safe as we have an understanding (safely words etc). It tests my limits as he spends time on my increasing the levels, and the sense of anticipation in the days before is insane. He does this with a few women in his area and it is an art thing for him- he remains clothed throughout and gets his kicks from making me express myself and watch me. He loves to tease, so won't let me have it all my own way!

If he was in any way creepy I would not go. He is not. He is just a cool guy who enjoys giving me this fun, and I love being helpless and being used for this. It normally lasts about 90 mins to 2 hrs, and we sit and chat about it after, and he asks me what I liked/disliked, or what I would prefer the next time.

My friend thought I was being used. But I am in control. I dictate the timing (I text him and arrange a time) and I get to stop it at any stage. What he does with me excites me and the release I get from it is amazing. The guy was recommended by another friend and so I knew he was good at this, so really it is me and him, both consensual adults, and both having fun.

So I just feel weird today because of how my friend reacted, but I am not doing anyone any harm right? The whole arrangement might be unusual, but if I love it and he treats me well, then hey life is good, right?

[CailinDana]

Why do you need your friend to validate your choices? If you're happy with it, feel safe and enjoy it then what's the problem?

[EldritchCleavage]

If you've made any mistake at all it is probably in sharing details this arrangement with a friend who has different views from you on BDSM. It does evoke very strong reactions in people.

As you and this man seem to have negotiated this as equals and you are both content with it, I don't really see a problem. Whether it is the kind of sexual experience your friend would like to have, or can understand, is beside the point. I would only say, don't ever be complacent about your safety, though. Keep talking through things so you never end up in a place you don't want to be.

[wannaBe]

you are consenting adults. What you do within the privacy of your own friendships is your business.

However if you then choose to make that public to other friends who may not share either your passtimes or views on them then you lay yourself open to their opinions on the matter.

Personally I cannot grasp why anyone would want to be bound and gagged and whatever else goes on within such an arrangement but to each their own and all that. However I equally don't know why anyone should feel the need to openly discuss their sexual passtimes, that just seems a bit exhibitionist to me.

So - doo whatever you want - if it makes you happy and you're comfortable with it then it's up to you. But if you don't want people to judge then don't discuss it publically.

[TheDreadedFoosa]

I dunno really. Or care.

I find the need of bdsm types to drone about it on vair tiresome.

I used to be into the scene, still have inclinations in that regard, but love nothing more than picking apart the tiresome theories and tales of those who just cant stop blabbering on a though theyve just discovered how to shit diamonds.

Its fun, perhaps your friend feels the same?

[BOFingSanta]

Why is this in Feminism? Actually, never mind, I think I do know.

[summerflower]

To an extent, I do agree that what one does in one?s personal time and space is just that, but generally, I am uncomfortable with BDSM as I cannot see how it is not about power. You are essentially saying that this guy sees inflicting pain on women when they are helpless as an art form. I?m sorry, I find that disturbing.

I also think, although I realise that it can be F/m, M/f dominance in a BDSM scenario reflects gendered social structures, reflects the preponderance of rape and domestic violence carried out by men and shows a sense of entitlement to women?s bodies. I wouldn?t be able to put myself in that position, and I would be uncomfortable with not analysing the wider social context of such encounters. This is just my view, though, I don?t really have the heart to debate it at length, particularly as the OP has probably been posted to get this type of response. Maybe I should just shrug and go 'whatever'.

In terms of discussing what you are doing though, I don?t think that is exhibitionist, it is probably a basic safety precaution to let someone you trust know where you are, when and why, if they plan to tie you up and gag you etc.

[Fenton]

art, really?

pah!

[YouMakeMeWannaLaLa]

So what happened to your marriage OP?

[TeiTetua]

I suggest people do a search on and see what other threads this person has started or contributed to.

[EldritchCleavage]

Ah-penny drops. Thanks, TT.

[SchroSawMummyRidingSantaClaus]

Was going to add to this but have just seen your other threads.

[grimbletart]

Yawn

[Frans1980]

"both consensual adults, and both having fun"

Then there's no problem. If anyone has an issue with that then it's their own issue.

[grumpyinthemornings]

In BDSM (between two people who trust each other, anyway) the submissive partner has all the power.They dictate what is and isn't allowed, and if/when the dominant partner should stop. Obviously, some people will abuse the position of Dominant, but most are very respectful. As long as OP feels safe and comfortable, and her "partner" respects her person and her wishes, there's nothing wrong with it.

Good on you, OP. Now go have some mind-blowing sex

[TheDreadedFoosa]

::barf::

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

If you're having fun, go ahead and enjoy. It's none of your friend's business, so it may not have been the best idea to try to make it her business by telling her all the details.