Not really sure where to start with this, but after some extensive lurking on several threads recently, am pretty sure someone here will have some advice. Bear with me if this is long and confused - I'm not sure how well I can articulate my concern.
My husband walked out last year. The ins and outs of the situation aren't hugely relevant to my question, but I find myself a single parent to three small children - dd1 is 7, ds is 4 and dd2 is 2.
I had never given much thought to how I parent them. I worry about the usual stuff - their health, school, what they eat, keeping them safe etc, but I was probably horribly complacent about the bigger issues. Self esteem, respect for others, tolerance, compassion. If I thought about it at all, I would have said that they would pick those up from their parents, and from having a stable family unit.
That's been blown apart. Their father is, it turns out, no kind of role model and I worry hugely about the messages his behaviour is sending them in terms of relationships and commitment. And the woman he has moved is with is a dreadful example of girly hopelessness - no practical skills, lots of attention paid to her physical appearance, some quite severe body issues. So I feel I am on my own - he sees them, and he pays maintenance, but there is no way on earth I can talk to him about the things that worry me and I can't rely on him and his new partner to convey the right messages. And I feel a bit lost.
I want my children to grow up independent, and self-reliant. I don't want my daughters to think that they have to conform to traditional female stereotypes, or my son to think he has to be physical, rather than emotional. I don't want my daughters to base their self esteem on how they look, or my son to think he has to use aggression to get what he wants.
They are fairly typical in terms of how they play and behave - the girls like dolls, ds likes Lego. They play with each other's toys, and play a lot of imaginary games together, but there are definitely gender-specific behaviours in there. ds has started to pick up sticks and say he's going off to shoot baddies, and dd1 wants to "be a Mummy when she grows up". She's also obsessed by those dreadful Rainbow Fairy books despite my best efforts to introduce alternatives. That said, ds is a very sweet and very sensitive little boy who loves cuddles and wants to join in with the girls' games whenever possible. And dd1, in particular, is pretty feisty and knows how to stand up for herself.
I have wonderful parents, but had a very traditional upbringing in terms of gender roles. I've managed to get to this stage in life without ever really thinking about gender. I would describe myself as a feminist, but a pretty uneducated one, and I probably have all sorts of unconscious prejudices that don't help the situation. And I realise that what I do is only one small part - they are exposed to influences from all over the place.
So, I am trying to start from scratch, and turn the ship around - I want to really try to bring up children I can be proud of, informed by good feminist principles. How do I do this? What do other people do? Is it enough to set them a good example, and hope they pick it up by osmosis?
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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions
Parenting: I'm slightly floundering, and would welcome some thoughts
7 replies
lemonandhoney · 09/06/2011 09:18
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