How to combat "What about the Men?"

[MedussaWasMisunderstood]

I work for a charity assisting asylum seekers and have recently had several women come to us after suffering domestic violence. What a lot of people don't realise is that it is extremely hard for asylum seekers to access the same support that other people get - see this (scroll down to the part titled "If you have no recourse to public funds") for details.

One of my team has been working on this issue and made contact with the local police and a couple of other organisations, and has put together a project proposal to help these women find the help that they so desperately need.

I've taken it to my manager, who has flat out refused to support taking the project forward - "because men suffer domestic violence too".

I'm afraid that I've got so angry that I can't even begin to formulate a logical response that he will even consider listening to. I've been lurking on here for weeks now, after a lifetime of ignorance - I know I am a feminist, I'm just not very good at expressing the facts just yet. What do I say?

[charitygirl]

Argh, how frustrating!

You could point out that the consequences of DVA are worse for women (2 men a week are not killed by their partner or ex, are they?). If you are working with, and are au fait with, different cultures, surely there must be culture-specific elements you could talk about ( I'm thinking about FGM in parts of Africa, acid attacks oin the Indian sub-continent, honour killings etc). Or what does he want - a mixed service? Yeah - Im sure that what victins want?!

But there must be a better way round this. Legally, I know servioces for women experiencing DVA are exempt from gender discrimination legislation. Perhaps you could get in touch with Women's Aid - its not what they are there for but they do have a policy team who might help you with info.

Or maybe Respect - they provide the (very few) services aimed at stopping male perpertrators, but they also run a helpine for male victims. They are not men's rights types - they might be able to explain why women are more affected by DVA and why they need women-only services.

Good luck.

[DontdoitKatie]

I think Women's Aid would want to help you with this, unless your charity would be in competition for funding with them.

Also, perhaps providing chapter and verse to your manager for services needed i.e. the number of women coming to you for help.

[forkful]

Check out the stuff about VAWG on the home office website.

The fact that there is a whole strategy about VAWG should be enough FGS.

Or how about agreeing that if any male asylum seekers are suffering from DV then they will be helped too. (Statisitically this will be much less and in general episodes of less severity.).

Also stuff here about why focusing on women's issues is not sexist.

[Hatterbox]

It is not sexist to set up projects focusing on women's DV, just as it's not sexist for men to set up projects focusing on men's DV. My brother runs his own male DV project in his local area, because the crime is increasing with every passing year, and he saw a need for a specific male DV project in his locality.

[karmakameleon]

Surely you are just responding to issues that you are seeing in the communities you deal with. You have been approached by a number of women that are suffering from DV and you can coordinate with other charities to help them. But that doens't necessarily have to be to the exclusion of men who suffer from DV, should one approach you, but you will deal with this issue when (if) you see it.

Have you told you manager about the individual cases? It's harder to ignore when you are dealing real people and have been told the horrific details of what they are going through.

[aliceliddell]

Have any men approached the project for this? Have any men suggested setting up a Men's Aid refuge? My guess is no. or not many. 25% of women in UK experience DV (don't know re asylum seekers). What % of men?

[Hatterbox]

aliceliddell

1 in 6 men (compared to 1 in 4 women) in the UK will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, so the figure is about 16.5%. Not as low as people tend to believe it will be.

[MedussaWasMisunderstood]

Some very useful info here, which I will attempt to use in a calm and collected manner and not scream when he starts talking about THE MEN. Just for info, no competing for funding, we'll just be setting up volunteers to help our client group access the limited services available to them.

[forkful]

Hatterbox do you have info which analysis the seriousness of DV committed against women v that against men? Are you aware that the research shows that women experience repeated unreported DV and then sometimes act in self defence?

Men are on average physically stonger than their partners and for couples with children are more likely to be the breadwinners - and in a position of power compared to their partners.

The fact that VAWG (Violence Against Women & Girls) is now being recognised as an important stand alone issue is important.

It does not detract from the fact that there is an element of female violence against males but we must be clear that as feminists most of us are primarily concerned with VAWG. Men in society are in a postion to do something to help male DV victims (if they so desire).

[Hatterbox]

forkful - I take such research with a pinch of salt, as often it is carried out by or on behalf of female DV charities/organisations, who want to play down the issue of male DV. It is in the interests of female DV charities/organisations to play down the issue of male DV, as in many cases, they want to stop male DV charities/projects getting funding.

As I mentioned in my first post, my own brother has started up a domestic violence project for men, and it's a project that some (not all) local female DV projects tried to stop getting funding from the council. How very nice of them.

My brother is a domestic violence survivor - yes a SURVIVOR - his ex-wife almost killed him after stabbing him multiple times. It was not the first attack, she had been abusing him for almost 18 months, and the reason he didn't leave was for the sake of their children. Unlike women, men can't leave and take their children with them, and my brother's fear was if he left then she would start beating their children.

I volunteer for a male DV charity, and I've spoken to men who have been to hell and back many, many times and I know they don't appreciate people trying to play down the severity of male DV.

I am not stupid, I know that women are more likely to be victims, but I also know the crime of male DV is more serious then often portrayed. The crime of male DV gets more serious every year, but there are people out there who don't want you to know that, but perhaps if you spent some time with male DV victims you might just realise it.

[Hatterbox]

Oh and for the record forkful, I was only answering the previous poster's question, of 'what % of men?'.

[JessinAvalon]

Not going to sound very articulate because I have a banging headache right now but I work for the NHS and our public health directorate focuses on DV against women because they recognise it's a gendered problem.

If you need stats to present to your manager, you could get in touch with your local primary care trust public health director (their details will be on their website) and you could ask for their latest public health strategy or anything that they might be able to give you on DV in the area.

Your manager won't be able to dispute the NHS's figures, surely.

That's not to say that tackling violence against men isn't an issue before anyone jumps on me but it might help convince him that it is a gendered issue and that you are only reacting to problems that you are being presented with in your day to day work.

Keep up the good work, by the way. It sounds as if you have some good ideas and are doing some great stuff.