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Feminism: Sex & gender discussions

Resentment resurfacing years later of mother who didn't defend me from my brother

10 replies

anonyma · 12/11/2010 13:15

Not sure why this has suddenly come back to haunt me but the sense of having been completely betrayed by my mother kept me awake last night.

I've thought about it factually many times over the years but haven't experienced this level of emotional response since I was a teenager. Although I've never discussed it with anyone, I assumed that I'd processed the experience and successfully moved on but evidently it's not so simple. I also know that other people experience far worse. (I hate being vulnerable or seeming to be looking for sympathy IRL when others are in worse situations.) But last night I was in tears in 4am over this which isn't like me at all.

It's possibly re-emerged because I now have my own DD and perhaps sparked by some recent threads on here where some brave mothers have defended their daughters from physical, sexual or psychological abuse.

I have one brother a couple of years older than me. When we were children he was very competitive and used to get angry when I did anything better than him. We sometimes fought physically when we were small but there was usually an adult around to put a stop to it before any damage was done.

By our teens the physical fights had stopped and his behaviour turned into very unpleasant name calling, swearing and threats.

I know this doesn't sound like much but I actually found a cassette I recorded when I was 12-13 (with the intention of showing it to my parents as proof) of him chanting over and over again at me "You stupid, fucking bitch, disgusting cow etc..". He would do this for long periods of time in an attempt to provoke me into losing my temper or make me cry. When I told my parents, my mother dismissed it as "just copying Blackadder"! I learned to completely blank him, no matter how I felt, and to this day am very good at keeping cool under pressure and dealing evenly with bullies.

One day when we were in our mid-teens (think that I was 15 and he was 17), I was babysitting a neighbour's little boy (~6) for a few hours after school. My parents weren't yet home from work so it was just the three of us in the house.

My brother began bullying the little lad and scared him so much that he locked himself in the upstairs bathroom with my brother threatening to break the door down. I was obviously extremely angry and shouted at my brother to leave him alone. He then turned around and shoved me so hard that I fell over, hit my head (and nearly fell down the stairs). He knew he had gone too far and left. I persuaded the younger boy to come out and luckily he was fine once he saw that my brother was gone. We walked around the block until I saw my parents' car and then the neighbours' car arrive home. I walked him back and then went into the house.

I was still totally shocked and shaking as I told my parents what had happened. My Dad was angrier at my brother than I have ever seen him, shouting that he didn't want men who hit women living under his roof and threatening to throw him out, change the locks and call the police. My mum calmed him down, spoke to my brother and then came to my room to speak to me.

In brief, she blamed me for the whole episode, for making my brother lose his temper, for making my dad lose his temper and running the risk of splitting up the family.

Even at that age I was feminist and well-read enough to know that she was talking crap but it didn't make it any less hurtful, especially after she had dismissed the earlier verbal abuse in the same way. I told her that she should have taken my brother to a child psychologist years ago. (I'd been suggesting this since I was about 12.) She just said not to be so silly, that it was too late now anyway (he was over 16 and she could hardly make him go etc..) and to pull myself together.

We're now in our mid-thirties and I see my brother once a year at christmas. We're usually civil and distant with each other for the duration of the holiday. My mother keeps pushing us to build a closer sibling relationship on the grounds that we'll "need each other later in life". If I mention the conflicts of our teens as a reason I have no interest in this, she dismisses it with a "you were children then, don't be so immature" kind of response.

Does it always come back like this in the end?

OP posts:
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slug · 12/11/2010 13:33

I have no advice but I didn't want to let your post go unanswered.

The single most liberating thing I have ever done was realise that, now I am an adult, I not longer have to have anything to do with a family member if I don't want to. I have a sibling that, if I'm forced to be at an event with, I am civil to. But that is as far as it goes. I refuse to feel guilty for it.

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earwicga · 12/11/2010 14:40

I think that a lot of stuff from the past comes up when we have children. Especially when life is more stressful than normal. Your mother was completely unreasonable in the way she dismissed the abuse you were suffering. I bet she knows that now as well and feels guilty for it.

A lot of the stuff I went through as a kid has come in sort of handy now as it informs the way I parent my children. That seems a weird thing to type though.

Get a hammer and smash up the cassette into smithereens.

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MrsClown · 14/11/2010 15:56

Hi anonyma. I dont have any particular advice but I just wanted to let you know that you are not on your own. I have a sister who is 5 years older than me. I have been brought up to think that she is a wonderful person and from a very early age I knew my mother did not care for me as much as she did her. My sister, who I had not spoken to for a number of years, came to my wedding (at my invitation - olive branch?) and refused to speak to anyone, let alone me. My parents were exactly the same, for fear of upseting my sister. How disgusting, they were willing to spoil my wedding to save my sister's feelings. It was awful. When I tried to talk to my parents about it my mother said it was because she is jealous of me and I should understand that. She made out that I have had an easy life. I suppose if you can call being beaten by an abusive husband easy then I have! It has caused me no end of heartbreak. I have really tried hard to make a relationship with my sister but it is impossible. I feel so lonely sometimes as I would love a sister who was normal.

Anonyma, you need to get the shit out of your head and forget them. Just try to think that it is a negative in their personalities, not yours. Remember that.

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dittany · 14/11/2010 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quiddity · 14/11/2010 19:50

However long ago it happened, you don't just get over it when the people who are supposed to love and protect you are the ones who hurt you, or blame you when someone else hurts you.
Have you looked at the Stately Homes thread in Relationships? The regulars there understand all about toxic families.
I have a similar problem. My mother still defends my brother against imaginary attacks from me that he complains about, and when I protest or point out things he has done, she tells me I shouldn't be so bitter, I will ruin my life.

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TheFeministParent · 15/11/2010 17:01

whoa, that's awful. You should talk this out.

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MrsBonkers · 24/02/2011 07:49

Know this is an old thread, but been searching the site for 'brother abuse' to try and deal with some of my own feelings about my childhood.
Anyone still watching?

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JaneS · 24/02/2011 12:21

Hi MrsBonkers, are you ok? Have you also looked under 'Relationships'? That can be a good place to talk too.

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MrsBonkers · 25/02/2011 02:08

Hi LRD, thanks for replying.
I've just been reading other peoples threads to try and get things into some kind of order in my head. Its like I don't trust my own memories so its like I'm looking for something where I can say "Yes, that's it, that's what it was like."
I've had councelling before and never touched on any of this. I just can't say the words.
Its weird, it doesn't really bother me much most of the time. Just every now and then.
Thanks again.

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JaneS · 25/02/2011 10:42

That sounds awful. Sad

As I understand it, not trusting your own memories is quite common in any sort of traumatic situation. It's not weird at all for it to be bothering you at odd times. It sounds as if you are a very strong person who's developed strategies to cope with what's happened to you, but maybe those strategies are struggling a little bit.

I wish I could do more to help. I totally understand you not having the words for it yet and not wanting to start a thread in Relationships yet, but I hope you find some help on the boards from reading and hearing other people's stories.

If you want to talk, I'm there.

LRD

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