Declining DD's overnight stay without looking awful

(29 Posts)
mummabear1 Tue 18-Mar-14 23:45:44

Hi there

My 6yo DD has a girl at school that she used to sort of be friendly with but isnt as friendly with now that they arent in the same class.

The girls mother doesnt have many friends... shes a bit talkative and one sided with the conversations and people tend to steer cleer of her. I started up a conversation with her one day and havent been able to shake her since! Shes a nice person but not someone I really want to have more to do with then the occasional "hi, how are you". I am fielding lots of phone calls from her wanting catch ups etc. I dont want to be rude to her but i have a lot of other friends that I struggle to catch up with that I would rather see then her. Also her DD is a real handful and really rough! Also she was always encouraging my DD to join in these antics (which she did!) and she ended up in trouble as well. So when the girls stopped playing together I was a bit relieved.

Anyway the problem is, this girl really wants my DD to have a sleepover at their house. Shes even gone and bought a spare bed for the occasion! I really really dont want my DD staying there for many reasons but I cant think of any way of putting that to her that doesnt sound rude!

Her husband is a really creepy kind of man too (thats my biggest problem out of all the problems) I cant put my finger on it but i know I dont want to have my DD anywhere near him. I was lured into their bedroom one day (when the mum was away) to look at some new animals they had in there in a box ... and he flopped down on their bed with his hands behind his back and just lay there while I was looked at the cats! I felt so uncomfortable and my older DD8 said when we got in the car "mum, why did he lie down on the bed like that"? So even she picked up on the weirdness. Yuk.

They have a heap of loose dogs running around too - my DD isnt good with dogs either so was thinking of using that as an excuse but I know she will say she will tie them up.

God, what to do?? Im feeling rather stressed about the pending conversation. I can hardly say I think your husband is a bit creepy?

BigcatLittlecat Tue 18-Mar-14 23:50:50

I think you will have to focus on the dogs somehow. not sur what you could say though.

BigcatLittlecat Tue 18-Mar-14 23:51:10

* sure

EyelinerQueen Tue 18-Mar-14 23:52:41

You don't need an excuse.

Your DD is 6. Just politely decline on the basis that she's not ready for sleepovers yet.

Maybe just say DD doesn't want to, maybe if pushed elaborate a little on how they've grown apart due to not being in the same class any more. She doesn't sound like much of one for a gentle hint, so you may have to be a little blunt...

Meglet Wed 19-Mar-14 00:04:35

I wouldn't bother with an excuse. No sleepovers until senior school IMO.

I used to get creeped out by some friends houses, thank God there weren't sleepovers in my day.

Theresadogonyourballs Wed 19-Mar-14 00:26:06

You won't look awful. Just look surprised and say, "Oh gosh no, she's much too little for sleepovers - still wants mummy at night! Won't be doing sleepovers until she's MUCH older, but thank you for the offer!" They really can't argue with that, but if they do just adopt the broken record technique - "No, thank you, she's too young." - repeated as many times as necessary. Good luck winewine!

Dinosaursareextinct Wed 19-Mar-14 00:42:25

You do sound a bit hard on the mum though - see the other current thread by a mum who wants to make friends but constantly gets shrugged off like this.

ArtexMonkey Wed 19-Mar-14 00:47:17

Just say no she's too young.

They fall in and out at this age, so with any luck the dd will have a new 'best friend' very soon.

My dd turned 7 in feb and has distanced herself from a couple of quite silly friends she had FINALLY THANK GOD - she is beginning to realise she doesn't want to be getting in trouble!

WeAreEternal Wed 19-Mar-14 01:10:45

I would just say "sorry we don't let DD have sleepovers, we don't think she is old enough. Maybe in a few years if they are still friends"

DS is 7 and I have used this excuse more than a couple of times myself.

mummabear1 Wed 19-Mar-14 02:05:19

Thanks everyone. I know I sound terrible Dinosaur and Im not usually so harsh about others sad Shes really just not someone I would pick as a friend and. I dont want to encourage any further friendship other then being polite as I am with a lot of the other mums at school. Last week we (she) had a conversation of 20 minutes with me just nodding and she never noticed I hadnt said a word. Its quite draining listening to her. I know shes only trying to make friends but I dont really want to be friends and I know my DD is better off not being friends with her DD as mine is behaving beautifully without the other girl bringing her into her antics anymore.

Ok, think I will just say no sleepovers (6 is too young in my opinion!). I certainly didnt do sleepovers at that age. I feel guilty about the bed being bought especially bought for my DD to sleep in though! If pushed I will say I happier for her DD to come to mine but mines not going anywhere at this stage. Surely thats ok?

SavoyCabbage Wed 19-Mar-14 02:31:20

I wouldn't even offer that if I were you. Six is too young when you don't know the family. My oldestwas nine and my youngest seven but thst was with a friend where she really knew the mum and the house itself well.

FernieB Wed 19-Mar-14 02:50:27

You didn't ask her to buy a spare bed so don't feel guilty. Don't offer to have the other girl over. You sound too nice wink. Just say no sleepovers they're too young and leave it at that.

Turquoiseblue Wed 19-Mar-14 02:58:39

I had this once before - a similar situation. It worsened and worsened because I was too afraid to offend and tried to be polite.
You need to firmly state no sleep overs. You don't need to give elaborate excuses or invite the dd to yours - you ll end up trying to evade in invite for the next 6 months, and boy will there be pressure because they will really really want to return the invite !
Firmly quietly state your answer, text it if needs be. You didn't ask them to buy a bed, it s not your responsibility if they did- there will be other kids asked and told the same thing.

Wurstwitch Wed 19-Mar-14 03:00:25

Um. You don't have to be friends with the mums of children that your dd has sleepovers with...

All the other stuff, sure, whatever, up to you if she goes or not tbh. But I have no idea why you think to be friends with her just because your kids get/ got along.

Weird.

WeAreEternal Wed 19-Mar-14 03:01:32

No don't offer.

You need to be more direct and stronger. Just say no thank you we don't want DD going to sleep overs, she is too young. You don't need to make offers or give any more explanation or excuses.
And if you don't want to talk to or be friendly with the mother don't. If she approaches you just say hi and then walk away, if you really have to you could even get your phone out and pretend to be calling someone.

I can't think of anything worse than trying to chat to or make friends with someone who is not interested and doesn't care.

Mutley77 Wed 19-Mar-14 04:53:39

I would say no. My DD started sleepovers around that age but only where she was really familiar with the family / house - not just any old friend (and has still never had a sleepover with anyone other than a very close friend, she is now 9).

A year or so later one of her friends then decided to have a birthday sleepover with 4 or 5 friends which I felt was inappropriate as they were too young but I didn't want to be overprotective (and my worries weren't about safety or anything, we knew the family well). Against my better judgement I agreed for DD to go and it ended up being a nightmare with the kids up and down all night (!) - my DD was "blamed" in not so many words for this - I knew it wouldn't have been her fault as she really needs her sleep and is generally pretty sensible - this was confirmed by DD later when I got to the bottom of the real story. It was all water under the bridge - of course I apologised profusely and asked DD to apologise too, but wished I had stuck to my gut feeling and not let her go grin - with safety you should even more go with your instinct and 6 is very young by anyone's standards.

RaspberrySchnapps Wed 19-Mar-14 06:42:08

I agree with the others. DD is your priority, be led by that. You do not have to explain why you are against the idea, but if this mum won't let it drop a simple 'no she is too young' repeated like a broken record, keeps you from getting tied in knots if you're feeling under siege.

Definitely don't hand your DD to some random because they bought her a bed and are putting you under pressure to feel guilty about it. That's all the more reason to keep saying no if anything. If the girls were the greatest of friends, and you knew the family well and trusted them that's one thing, but they aren't and you don't.

The other mum sounds pushy and a bit clingy. It's a shame because she is perhaps just lonely but you're not doing her any favours by letting her think you're a closer friend than you really are.

mummabear1 Wed 19-Mar-14 08:39:43

Thanks guys. She has only ever stayed at nanas and had one very good friend stay here when her parents were going away. I wish I had voiced my concern a few weeks ago when she told me she was ordering a new bed so her DD could have sleepovers with my DD. Now I feel like I have misled her about all that happening but I just didnt know what to say on the spot that didnt sound rude!

I will hang off on the sleepover here too I think. Anyone that knows me knows I struggle to say no to people. I feel especially bad that this woman is obviously trying to befriend me as no one else has given her the time of day.

Ok, thanks everyone. Im still dreading the conversation but feel a bit more ready with my reasoning smile

IComeFromALandDownUnder Wed 19-Mar-14 08:56:27

I am sure her daughter will have a sleepover with some one else at some point so don't worry about the bed.

I would bring it up next time you see her to put an end to it. Tell her that you were talking to your Dh about sleepovers for Dd and you both feel she is too young at 6. End of. Do not invite her daughter over to yours.

YuccanLiederHorticulture Wed 19-Mar-14 09:32:34

it's fine to decline but I'm not sure just saying your DD is too young is the way to go. When DD is 8 or 9 you might well be exchanging sleepovers with DD's actual friends and if that's your excuse now you'll come to grief then. You're obviously a very nice kind person who hates the idea of making someone feel bad but that's why she is latching on to you and she'll continue to do so if you don't shake her off. You need to say that she's too young but in any case you can't see it happening even when she's older.

brettgirl2 Wed 19-Mar-14 20:44:58

I think you need to get the mum in perspective. If I asked a 6yo round a couple of times and the mum flatly said no then I would think 'ok she doesn't want to/ mum doesnt want to, I'll drop it. No offence taken, it obviously doesn't work for them for whatever reason.

Anyone who doesn't see it like that. ... Well it's their problem surely?

TheNumberfaker Wed 19-Mar-14 21:18:35

No way would I let my DDs stay anywhere that I wasn't comfortable about. Stick to your guns and say she's too young.
I feel a bit sorry for the other mum though if 'people steer clear of her'!

mummabear1 Wed 19-Mar-14 22:21:09

I know. Its really awful how they almost run when they see her coming. Even im not getting out my car early at pick ups now so i dont just stuck with her. She doesnt care who im talking to she just jumps in and monopolises me or the entire conversation. Thanks for all the advice - i will be taking it smile

Viviennemary Wed 19-Mar-14 22:23:08

Say she is too young for sleepover. She is only six after all.

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