Daughter is looking for sex with older men on the internet.

(99 Posts)
moodycow34 Mon 18-Nov-13 16:20:03

After going through my daughter's purse and finding train tickets and also going through her phone (she had been lying to me about where she had been, and had not been coming home till the early hours most nights), I found out that she had been messaging and meeting up with dirty, old men (some were even married) from around the country she had met over the internet for sex, through an advert she put up. I did confront her about it as soon as I found out. I shouted at her and told her that I didn't raise a slut and I raised her better than that, that those men were only using her. I was not only angry at her for lying to me on many occasions, but also the obvious lack of respect she had for herself. My daughter didn't respond at all and just looked at me like she couldn't care less. This was just over a week ago.

My daughter is 18, 19 in Dec. Do you think I overreacted?

I just really didn't expect her to turn out to be like that. If your daughter was lying to you about where she was so she could meet men for sex, how would you react?

Neitheronethingortheother Mon 18-Nov-13 16:24:44

Probably the same way as you. I wouldnt like to think of my children putting themselves at risk physically, mentally or emotionally and it sounds like she is doing this. Any chance you could have a chat with her when you have calmed down. I know I always tend to overreact and then when I calm down I would try and find out if all is ok with her. I guess some posters will say you had no business going through her stuff but I wouldnt really have an issue with that even though she is 18.

gamerchick Mon 18-Nov-13 16:26:33

Why are you snooping on her? What's It got to do with you where she goes or does?

MarianneEnjolras Mon 18-Nov-13 16:28:12

She is 18. You have no business going through her phone and purse.

AngelsLieToKeepControl Mon 18-Nov-13 16:28:28

You went through your adult daughters purse and phone, then called her a slut?

You need to apologise asap.

DownstairsMixUp Mon 18-Nov-13 16:30:40

She's an adult. You were unreasonable. I wouldn't of gone through her stuff in the first place so that's my answer to your post.

This is really unusual behaviour. Sex yes, lots of short relationships yes - but meeting up solely for sex with randoms is not usual and sounds like a sign of distress.

If she was in her 20's and making a life style choice that's fine - but it's really not usual at 18 and you should treat it as a sign of distress and talk to her.

What has been happening to her? Has she been burned in a relationship?

I would think of this as self harming - and that requires you to be sensitive. Has she got a trusted older relative to talk to ?

itscockyfoxagain Mon 18-Nov-13 16:35:29

My daughter is only 4 so I can't comment on it from a mothers point of view but I can tell you that the day my mother went through my bag and called me a rough tart for having condoms and cigarettes I left home. I was 18.
I advise you to apologise to her and tell her you are just worried about her.
I get on really well with my mum now - this isn't irreversible.

MumofYuck Mon 18-Nov-13 16:35:34

It sounds like worrying behaviour. And you really should not have gone through her belongings, that is horribly intrusive. My mother did stuff like that to my younger sister and it was a major reason for her moving out. How would you like it if she invaded your privacy like that?

NeoFaust Mon 18-Nov-13 16:38:05

I think it's very difficult to fight against slut-shaming and to support womens individual sexual agency when mothers are calling their own daughters sluts for making differing sexual choices.

She's eighteen. She can screw who she likes how she likes as long as all parties are consenting.

SPsIsAgainstCliffism Mon 18-Nov-13 16:46:12

She is 18.

Why are you going through her phone and snooping on her?

She was probably lying as she knew how you would react. Its up to her what she does.

Calling her a slut is low. No wo der she lied

Golddigger Mon 18-Nov-13 16:53:03

Agree with Laurie. What else has been happening in her life?

DoctorTwo Mon 18-Nov-13 16:53:51

She's eighteen. She can screw who she likes how she likes as long as all parties are consenting.

I agree. If either of my daughters decided they wanted to sleep with lots of men there is no way I'd be slut shaming. I would probably ask if they were happy doing that and if they were just remind them to stay safe and healthy.

ghostonthecanvas Mon 18-Nov-13 16:59:13

I agree with laurie. I think you cannot change what you did. Unfortunately words like slut are harmful. You need to talk to her. I think 18 is legally adult. However my experience is 18 is very young.

BOF Mon 18-Nov-13 17:10:36

Putting aside the snooping issue for a moment, you were wrong to shout and blame her- I agree with the poster who said that this is more akin to self-harm than a confident expression of sexuality.

Something has gone badly wrong somewhere.

Is it possible she has been abused or sexually assailted? What sort of relationship does she have with her father- could this be a cry for attention from older unavailable men who repeat an experience of discarding her while she convinces herself she is in control?

She needs love and support, and someone she can trust to talk to. That could be you, but I think you've probably blown it by freaking her out, calling her a slut and showing that you're ashamed of her.

Have you always invaded your daughters privacy in this way?

From the tone of your post I get the feeling that you have been quite strict on her, and that leads me to think that she is acting like this as a way of asserting herself and rebelling.

I shouted at her and told her that I didn't raise a slut and I raised her better than that

This situation isn't about you. Its about her and what is making her feel the need to act in such a self destructing way. Do you want to help your daughter or just call her a slut and shout about how it all affects you?

BacardiBat Mon 18-Nov-13 17:37:09

Have you posted about her before? This sounds really familiar.

reelingintheyears Mon 18-Nov-13 17:44:58

What a sad state of affairs, I'd be upset if DD were doing what you are describing but I'd be more worried than angry and I'd want her to know how much I love her and want her to be safe and happy.
Your DD's lifestyle choice doesn't sound to me like that of a happy young woman.

I'd be upset too.

But -
if I were her I'd be fucking furious that you went through my stuff
that you judged my choices
that you went on attack immediately

There is a previous history here, isn't there?
This does not sound like a happy relationship well before this discovery.

YoDiggity Mon 18-Nov-13 17:51:41

Hmm. I have mixed feelings here. On the one hand she is over the age of consent, an adult and entitled to choose who she has sex with, even if she is making a few foolish choices and being a bit wild right now, it's not necessarily the end of the world.

But on the other hand I'd worry about any 18 year old girl who feels the need to do this with assorted random 'dirty old men' she meets on the internet when she should be having the time of her life flirting, dancing and possibly/eventually shagging with lovely young men instead. I'd be concerned that she has massive self-esteem issues and some kind of self-destructive MH thing going on.

What do you mean by 'dirty old men exactly?

MadBusLady Mon 18-Nov-13 17:58:14

Your solution to this horrifyingly self-destructive behaviour is to shout and call her a slut?

How the hell are you not more upset about this?

ghostonthecanvas Mon 18-Nov-13 17:58:55

What was in the advert?

moodycow34 Mon 18-Nov-13 19:08:53

I really doubt if she has ever had a boyfriend, but she might have. She doesn't tell me anything.

BOF Mon 18-Nov-13 19:13:42

It's a bit odd that you haven't engaged with any of the replies on this thread- it makes your asking for advice look a bit suspect, as we sometimes get wind-up merchants posting like that.

If you genuinely want to find some solutions, you might want to consider some of the responses you've had.

MadBusLady Mon 18-Nov-13 19:17:31

Thinking the same.

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