Afraid to stop being fat?

[TalcumPowder]

I just lost twelve pounds on my first week of Cambridge, and my counsellor was puzzled I didn't seem happier. I think at some level, I may be afraid to stop being fat. This week's loss has made me think that if I continue this diet, I will actually lose weight, and what will that mean? I'm trying to think if my identity involves my longterm fatness, and what hooks I have been letting myself off because I was fat..? What might make me want to stay fat? Why is fat 'safer', despite how unhappy it has made me?

Does this resonate with anyone else?

[ShellyW40]

Change is scary.

Just remember, your identity is who you are inside, not what you look like.

Maybe you could write down an old-fashioned pros/cons of being thin vs fat list to help visualise how different things will be?

[ballsballsballs]

It rings massive bells for me.

About a decade ago I lost 5 stone very quickly. I felt hugely vulnerable and exposed at my new size, and didn't maintain the loss. It was a relief in some ways to gain again.

I've lost about 2.5 stone since last summer. I feel a lot more comfortable about my weight loss as my head has time to catch up with my body iyswim. I'd had a 'fat' identity for so long it took me a while to learn to be slim.

I hope that makes some kind of sense?

[DocDaneeka]

Visualisation is a powerful,technique.

Sounds truly wanky, bit if your self image is that of a fat person, then your subconscious -which is way more powerful than conscious mind will revert you to your current self image, so tell yourself you are a loser, you will cock up and loose, see yourself as fat, you will remain fat, think you are stupid, you will do stupid stuff.

The great news is it is pretty easy to change this self image, your subconscious doesn't work off the reality, just from the mental picture your conscious mind hands it.

This bit is cringingly wanky, BUT bear with me cos it does work... Spend 5 mins right now daydreaming about being THIN. how does it feel? look at your new self in the bath, imagine how easy it is climbing stairs now you are light and fit, imagine trying on clothes, picture how you look in those clothes... Once you have a strong image, hold the thought. Now return to it as you go to bed. Dream that daydream before you sleep. Tomorrow stick a post it on the fridge with a picture or one word to remind you. Every time you see the post it, spend a few seconds back in the daydream. Soon your inner self will begin to accept the thin version as what 'you' really are and you are more likely to succeed.

I learned this technique in relation to coaching athletes to win, but it works for any type of achievement.

[TalcumPowder]

Yes to everyone. What you say makes a lot of sense. I think, while consciously I want to be thin for all the obvious good reasons - I'm an older mother, so want to be around when my toddler grows up, general health, father has type 2 diabetes, to be able to buy clothes easily, not to hate photographs - I am also afraid of the consequences. I have clearly chosen at some level to be fat for years, and the clear progress towards losing excess weight is making me uneasy. I'll certainly try lists of pros and cons, and visualisations. Thanks, all.

[NecklessMumster]

Yes.This is what 'Fat is a feminist issue' is about, and why the diet industry is too simplistic

[TalcumPowder]

I read Orbach, but years ago. I should reread. Neckless, you're also making me think about why, on feminist grounds, part of me is ashamed to be dieting. I'm doing it for health reasons, but there's no denying that I'm participating in a weight loss industry which is as much (more?) about promoting a prescriptive body image to women in order to make money.

[NecklessMumster]

It's really hard . I'm overweight and have struggled with squaring being a feminist and dieting . I have been to weight watchers etc in the past and thought 'why am I paying heinz
or whoever £5 a week to weigh me?'.Currently

[NecklessMumster]

going to the gym twice a week on a gp referral. .feels better to be doing something positive rather than not eating iyswim

[MiconiumHappens]

DocD I love your post and have saved it and am going to start using the technique, thank you.

OP could you be afraid of the attention that it may bring you.

The weight I am now I get no second looks (I'd say I'm somewhere between chubby and overweight) if I loose 1/2 a stone the attention comes and I'm not keen on it. At the moment I can sort of feel myself hiding in my fat suit. It's odd as I'd say I'm confident and happy most of the time. I don't really understand it either.

[ICanHearYou]

I have been told my whole life (by men and women) that I am not an attractive person, I was actually very overweight in senior school and I dropped all the weight between the age of 16 and 22, in that time I was told that I was plain, that I would never be beautiful like my friends, that I was not quite good enough. It was easier to be fat, it was easier to believe that was the cause of it.

Now I have my little boys and I want to be smaller for them but I also have found a bit of self confidence myself. I want to be smaller so I can be the best person I can be and find someone who wants to spend time with me who thinks I am gorgeous or more likely who can lie really well

[JesusInTheCabbageVan]

Also, I would really recommend The Hungry Years by William Leith. A really insightful account of eating disorders, body image, diets, everything.

[DocDaneeka]

Thanks miconium it's originally a sports coaching technique. Sports psychologists use it to teach people to win - or rather to accept being a winner. It can be a big problem for athletes, being good enough to win but being sabotaged by their own brain.

You have to really immerse yourself in the image regularly, and it should start to take effect :)

[Sleepwhenidie]

As well as the positive visualisations, it may also help to try and identify what purpose the weight may be/have been serving for you, so that you can let go of that/those, along with the weight. It can provide a sense of protection for some people, as pp's have said. It can also be a scapegoat, for example a reason to avoid doing certain things, putting off living life fully even (when the true reason is most often a lack of confidence/self esteem).

It's normal to have to adjust to a 'new' body and whilst weight loss can improve self esteem, it cannot usually create self esteem by itself, you do not become a different person when you suddenly fit into smaller jeans. Weaknesses, insecurities and sources of unhappiness usually still remain.

Ican it sounds like you are conflating being a 'better' person with being a slimmer person (as a result of the things you have been told by the people who should have been loving you unconditionally ), but obviously that isn't true. It's great if you want to lose weight for your health but work on loving yourself a bit more at the same time .

[jenuwhine]

I am reading this with interest as I have an overwhelming amount of weight to lose... I know I need to start small but thing is I cant get started.

I have tried visualisation but just seem to end up laughing at myself - somewhere inside the belief that I can be slim, is lacking. I have been putting on weight for the last ten years and I don't recognise myself anymore, I despair.

I'm distraught over it. .... to the point that I have had to stop working for a while. I suffer with generalised anxiety disorder and chronic depression - they are my saboteurs.... the voices and the nagging.

I know that I probably need to just have a little faith but honestly, I cant find it.

[TalcumPowder]

Sympathies, jenuwhine. That doesn't sound at all unfamiliar. I felt the same, and, although my job currently involves seeing no one (writer), I've found myself reluctant to attend social occasions, especially ones where I haven't seen the people in a while. I have definitely curtailed my life because of my weight. I've never dared take my toddler swimming. I stopped running because of the regular sneers.

It turns out that I have started to be able to think about this calmly only since I started a VLCD. The sensation of actually having to face my weight, and get on a scales once a week and compute losses, has actually been beneficial. It's easier to face something once you have all the information. The diet is hard - three sachets a day, or two and a bar - but the strange thing is looking at my calorie deficit, and knowing that if I stick to the regime, I will, sooner or later (people average a stone a month, but I lost seventeen pounds in the first fortnight), be a healthy BMI. That fact alone is doing more for my state of mind than any attempts at visualisation. I wasn't able to 'start small'. I needed to take food out of my life completely.

I've no advice, only deep fellow feeling.