We've had an email from a friend abroad 5 months after we didn't get to her wedding, telling us (telling my husband - he copied it to me. I was the one who did most of the work, including all the emails, so it's my fault) that she is not just disappointed, but disappointed and hurt. "That is where I'm at now" she says. Because she says we didn't confirm we weren't coming in the days before the wedding, not even 24 hours before.
In fact I kept them up to date all the time with our situation (which I won't go into, it's complex) and the last conversation was a week before the event. I said it was very unlikely we could come. SHE said she had thought so since early January when she learned we didn't have air tickets. She said if we came, we must be on the (guest) bus by 1pm. I said we would, and if anything went wrong we would hire a car. But the whole message was that there was now little chance of this happening, and she (personally, he husband had done most of the emails to date) agreed.
I thought we all understood that there was a vanishingly small chance of our getting there. Now she says I should have "given them a yay or nay" in the week before the wedding, and because I didn't, it was a "logistical nightmare" and they couldn't firm up either the bus or the catering numbers.
They (or rather, her husband, now that I look back) had encouraged us all along the way. There had been no mention of needing confirmation for catering, ever. They never let us know they had a problem, never asked for a decision. (I checked with him about the after-party where hotel rooms were involved. He said that was fine. Again, this was a week before the wedding.)
She says that she would have been disappointed if we had not come, but is far more disappointed and hurt over "what happened".
I just kept on checking for flights as long as I could. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Now this.
I honestly don't know what would be the right thing to do now if I was faced with a similar situation.
Should I have set us a deadline for stopping even trying to get there, regardless of anything they told me?
Or was I right to trust that I was being told the right thing, and they would say if there was any problem?
Normally I am the kind of person who checks everything twice, to the point of being irritating. There was just no cue that we were causing them (her?) a problem.
I feel mentally in limbo about this. I'm losing sleep, and I'm angry and upset too. It would have cost her nothing to say "Please give us a yes or no, we need to know now to firm up the event."
Better stop there! Sorry about the length.
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Didn't get to wedding. What should we have done?
55 replies
NotHilda · 27/05/2014 18:26
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