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Argued with dh this morning and I pushed/hit him.

(46 Posts)
waning Fri 11-Jul-14 10:23:06

I feel shit that I became physical. I have sent him a text and apologised. We are not getting on at the moment. He went out last night (which I knew he was) but came home much later than he said he would (which he also did last Thursday). He woke me up by kneeing me in the back hard twice (not deliberately).

I have been feeling down in general the last few days and had told him 2 days ago I was feeling this way, but he struggled to support me. He is stressed at work and has past form for not talking about it and drinking too much when he is.

So this morning we argued about it and we both said unpleasant things. Then I pushed/hit him while he was holding an iron. What now? I know we both sound foul individuals but generally we are not - we are nice people usually.

ImperialBlether Fri 11-Jul-14 10:51:11

It sounds as though you're both unhappy and would be better apart, OP.

What keeps you together?

waning Fri 11-Jul-14 10:56:03

thank you for replying.

I think so too a lot of the time. Our dc would be devastated. They just would. They are only 9 and 6. It's such a cliche but it would do them more harm if we split up. I know the arguments for it - children sense when parents aren;t happy etc but most of the time there isn't such conflict between us.

Johnogroats Fri 11-Jul-14 10:58:34

What about counselling? If you want to try and make it work for the kids, the dynamics of your relationship need to change, and sounds like you both need help with that.

waning Fri 11-Jul-14 11:00:35

I have thought that. we've never tried it although talked about it in the past. I think he is reluctant - not good at talking about feelings, especially with 'strangers' but it has got to the point where we are not capable of sorting it out ourselves. We are in a massive rut. Don;t know what to do really.

ShoeWhore Fri 11-Jul-14 11:01:17

Perhaps some temporary time apart would give you both some space to think things through though? I do think this will be affecting your children more than you think sad

I also think you know you have crossed a line here and you really need to do something about it. Can you get an appointment with your GP and discuss it with them?

waning Fri 11-Jul-14 11:05:19

temporary time apart isn't possible due to our circumstances. I still think it would be worse on dc if we split up. We are not arguing/fighting much at all - this is an unusual occurence but an extreme one obviously. I am unhappy with our relationship in general which may/may not be picked up by dc. I am extremely good at hiding emotions.

ImperialBlether Fri 11-Jul-14 11:10:40

I would go down the counselling route if at all possible. Your husband might change his mind about counselling if the alternative is divorce. You both have an awful lot at stake and shouldn't give it up without a fight. You're clearly unhappy so something has to be done and if you have to live together, you have to find a way of reconnecting to each other.

waning Fri 11-Jul-14 11:14:31

Yes i think we should. I told him recently that we aren't connected at all. He is very much head in the sand. I didn't used to be but am more now. It's always me that brings up the state of our relationship, I really think he would go on like this forever - his own parents stayed together when they were clearly miserable really.

JennyOnTheBlocks Fri 11-Jul-14 11:21:50

I disagree that your children will suffer more if you split up, they will be able to see what's going on, even if you think you're hiding it

Your last sentence in your post of 11.14 says what I mean.

And even if you were keeping it hidden most of the time, you are still teaching your children it's ok to put up with physical violence if the rest of the time you're 'ok'

waning Fri 11-Jul-14 11:25:19

Maybe. I don't know. It's always so clear cut when you're looking in. They didn't witness the physical violence and it is not a regular thing at all!
But I know something has to be done.

JennyOnTheBlocks Fri 11-Jul-14 11:29:25

Isn't that why you posted though, to get other people's perspectives?

DV doesn't have to happen every day to be a problem.
Once is enough.

waning Fri 11-Jul-14 11:32:53

Yes I did. It's still hard to hear. I feel like I have lanced a boil and it is horrible pus seeping out.

FarelyKnuts Fri 11-Jul-14 11:35:32

You assaulted your partner. There isn't any excuse for that. What are you going to do to own it? It sounds like you are looking for ways to blame him for your unhappiness.
If you are unhappy then that needs to change but getting to the point of assaulting someone you love, that is on you, not him.
You need to get help with controlling your anger. Go to your GP, look for help with anger management.
Does your partner still want you there after being assaulted?

rockybalboa Fri 11-Jul-14 11:38:41

Counselling is the way forward. DH and I were in a similar rut and we went to Relate two years ago. It was eye opening. You both get the chance to say stuff that you couldn't/wouldn't say if you were just talking stuff over between you and the counsellor is trained to hone in on the right areas and identify strategies. I wouldn't say we're 100% blissful now but a quick reminder to ourselves of what we learnt at Relate helps now and then. I think we would have split otherwise. We now have DC3!

waning Fri 11-Jul-14 11:38:55

How am I blaming him?

rockybalboa Fri 11-Jul-14 11:39:54

Oh, and there is a Steve Bidduplh book called The Secret of Happy Parents which we are both going to read (I have read some of it). I think a lot of our stress comes from how much our lives have changed since having the DC.

JennyOnTheBlocks Fri 11-Jul-14 11:45:25

Agree that being part of a family with young DCs can be stressful at times, but it's what we do to alleviate how we feel is the key to a happier and non-violent life.

You sank to DV levels, so you need to change your behaviour, OP

I wish I could say 'oh yes, having a family and stressful life you're bound to snap', but that isn't true. Or right.

Lottapianos Fri 11-Jul-14 11:49:26

OP, it sounds like you are in a horrible situation and both suffering. Please do not kid yourself that your children aren't affected by this. I never saw my parents fight or even argue but they hated each other and we knew. It has messed up myself and my siblings very badly and we have all had huge relationship issues as adults. Hiding your emotions will not do anyone any favours, least of all you.

Your children may well be devastated if you split - they are young kids and it would be a huge change. But you two may be better parents apart than together. Your children do not need two martyrs for parents who stated together 'just for them'. That's an unfair burden to put on a child and they will not thank you for it

AnyoneForTennis Fri 11-Jul-14 11:54:43

What does your DP want now?

Usual advice on here is the abuser moves out leaving the dc in the home

AnyoneForTennis Fri 11-Jul-14 11:55:29

And the 'pushed/hit' is an attempt at minimalising it.... Did you push or hit? Or was it both?

STOPwiththehahaheheloling Fri 11-Jul-14 12:01:15

Well it's really up to your partner what happens. He ets to decide whether he stays in a violent relationship. You need to ask him what he wants to do.

waning Fri 11-Jul-14 12:01:16

I pushed my hand down hard on his shoulder and away from me. That's how I would describe it. Dh accepted my apology but was more annoyed that I had been angry at him for coming in late and waking me up. There is no excuse for my physical reaction to him.

Am I an abuser?

FarelyKnuts Fri 11-Jul-14 12:03:20

By talking about how he isn't supporting you, coming home late, drinking etc and that leading to an argument where you assaulted him you are blaming him.
Yes those things may rightly make you unhappy. No they shouldn't lead to assaulting your partner. You are minimising your actions. What are you going to do about the fact that you assaulted your partner?

ThinkIveBeenHacked Fri 11-Jul-14 12:04:49

You assaulted him. You need to leave.

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