Do I get my dd a pony (different circs to earlier thread) sorry, long.

[Imabadmum]

I am horse mad. I have a horse, I work in the equine vet industry. Eat sleep drink horse. Married a professional show jumper (now retired).

I have 3 dc, 2xds (age 4&5) + 1dd (age 13) and a dsd (age 14).

Both DS's have a pony each. We have our own land and stables at home, so we are very lucky and it is all right on the doorstep.

My dd has had two ponies previously, the last one went 2 years ago. She had a nasty fall (no broken bones, just a fright) from this pony and lost all her confidence. We tried lessons, and lead reining, but she never wanted to do anything more than walk round the yard the lead rein, and would scream every time the pony moved unexpectedly (ie stumble, turn). She also wasnt keen on getting wet, muddy or smelly, or coming up the yard, so i looked after the pny at the same time as my own horse. After about 18 months of this, I figured horses weren't her thing, I was wrong to keep putting her through this and let the pony go. She took up dancing and was very happy, never asked for a pony, and I accepted that that was that.

Until Sept. My dsd lived with her mum until last Sept when she moved back in with us, due to problems in their relationship. She is pony mad, and a great little rider. We promised her that if she worked hard at school, got her attendance up above 98% (she was truanting alot and refusing to go to school, locking herself in her room etc etc, attendance was 100% last term), got her grades up, and helped look after her one of her little brothers ponies we would get her a horse. She has done all that and more.

We also promised my dd, who's interest flared up when her DStepsis moved in, that if she also helped look after a little brother pony, kept her room tidy, did some chores voluntarily and generally showed an improvement in her attitude towards us (has become quite rude recently as teenagers do, so we were aiming her at improvements here,her school attendance are grades are all way above standard so couldn't really ask for improvements here) she too would get another pony. She hasnt been quite as great at sticking to her end of the bargain. Is always late to do the pony, so we end up doing it, and the rest has been hit and miss.

We are now in the process of looking for a horse for dsd, and I am not feeling so inclined to do the same for my dd. Not as a punishment but because I really don't think it's her thing and don't want to force my hobby onto her. But she views it as a punishment, an exclusion, which is not my intent. I just don't want to get another pony, and end up looking after it myself again because she has lost interest again.

I am in an utter quandry. I want to get her a pony because i would love it. I want to get her a pony because she says she wants one. I want to get her a pony because all the other children will have one. But i, deep down, dont think she really enjoys it. So, WWYD?

[Imabadmum]

Anyone?

[Imabadmum]

happynewmind you are right, about the lessons it would teach her and dstepsis. Part of my worry is I dont want to teach her to be a spoilt brat, but likewise don't want her to think she is being sidelined. She has got up many times at 6am to muck out the pony before school, so I wonder if I am being a bit tough. She is helping with the housework right now, she is generally a good kid, not lazy. Just am not sure she is all that into it.

I have suggested that we wait until she is confident at canter at the riding school where she has lessons. Really just to delay it a bit longer so she has a chance to see her DStepsis with her pony and really really want it. Then she might appreciate it more.

[Takver]

Does she get on well with her DStpS? Because I wonder if she will be more into riding if they can go out together, do the horses together etc. It might be very good for their relationship to have that bond?

[Booboostoo]

This is a tough one.

On the one hand I can see why you don't want to make her feel left out, but on the other buying a pony only to have to re-sell it because she's lost interest is not an easy thing to do.

Is it possible to have a very frank and open talk with her? Do you think she has kept her side of the deal? If yes tell her that she did well and she could have a pony if she wanted to but she could also have something else, maybe something related to dance that she could do with you or DH as special time? If she insists on the pony, then I think you have to get it for her because you promised.

If she has not kept her side of the deal, perhaps highlight areas she needs to do better on and explain why you will be delaying the pony buying until then. Meanwhile she can continue to improve at the RS and it's not unfair that DsD got a pony because she kept up her side of the deal.

[N0tinmylife]

Have you considered getting your DD a pony on loan? It would seem fair given her lower level of commitment, and it could go back if she lost interest.

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

I'd buy a family pony and let her ride it if she hold up her end of the arrangement. Something everyone can ride, and DD can have for her own if she sticks to the work.

[BehindLockNumberNine]

I don't know wether your dd should get her own pony. I would have a very honest discussion with her about it.

The one thing I would NOT do, under any circumstances is make stepdd share a horse with your dd.
In a way you would be punishing your step dd for your dd's lack of enthusiasm.
Step dd is probably beside herself with joy at the thought of getting her very own horse. She knows she is your step dd. She is newly moved into your family. I think her very own horse, just hers, would be fantastic for her, especially if she has more than proven herself and kept to her side of the bargain.

As for your dd. Perhaps she only wants a horse because she will be the one left out? Talk to her. If horses are not her thing perhaps she would like more access to her dance, money and time spent on that instead of a horse?
Or do what another poster suggested and get her a pony on loan whilst she continues to prove herself?

But don't go back on your deal with step dd, if she has stuck to her side of the bargain, and is keen and committed and a great little rider than this could be the best thing for her

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

^^ that.

[Imabadmum]

Hi all, thanks for your posts...

N0tinmylife I have though of a loan pony and if we do get her a pony, this is the route we will take

BehindLockNumberNine I wouldn't make dsd share her horse because a) it's not fair on her and b) the horse we get for dsd will be too much for my dd . If we got a pony suitable for them both, it wouldnt be enough for dsd.

Takver the two girls get on brilliantly and are very close, probably closer than full blood-related sisters. I think, hope, that if they both had ponies they would enjoy doing it together. Riding, stable duties, tack leaning, the lot. But not 100% convinced

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

Honestly, I wouldn't. The fact that she hasn't bucked her ideas up at the promise of a pony tells me that she isn't that bothered. If you are worried about her feeling left out then have a good long chat to her about what she does really want, rather than offering a horse which she is possibly ambivalent about anyway.
I am one of three sisters and whilst we were all taken for riding lessons as kids, I was the only one who counted the days, didn't mind riding in the rain and complained bitterly when lessons were cancelled. Now we are all adults, I am the one who has always had horses, doesn't mind muck/sweat/mud/bad weather, sisters have been to see my horses maybe 10 times in 20 years, and that was mostly to cheer us on at big competitions, rather than because they like horses. Horses either possess you body mind and soul (and bank balance) or they don't. If they don't you likely won't ever be fully committed.