confidence knock for dd (5), advice needed!

[roadkillbunny]

My 5 year old dd (6 at the end of May) started learning to ride just after Christmas.
I had horses and competed in my teens but shattered my ankle show jumping and due to having surgery, in a brace, intensive physio and having to use a stick for a year I lost all sponsorship and with that my horses as I would never be able to ride competitively again, I only have half the bone left in my ankle and I am lucky to be walking without a stick anyway, this is kind of by the by with this, just trying to give the picture of where we are at in regards to horses!
I work at the yard at the moment one day a week now that my ds is at pre-school and will probably do another day after Easter, a perk effect of this is my dd gets free weekly half hour riding lessons.
All has been going very well, dd is very keen and has been loving her lessons and doing well however a week ago I had to be on the yard on the Friday we had an inset day as we had a new pony coming so dh took the day off and dd came to the yard with me, friend who is also the instructor and yard manager has a dd in same class at school as my dd and she was at the yard to so we took them out on a little hack, all is good until we take them into the outdoor school and the pony that dd is on (the main one she rides and she loves to death) got shall we say 'the joys of spring' and started side stepping and jogging, this freaked dd out, I was able to reach back and steady her and when it became clear that point was going to continue with the sillys I lifted dd down (from start to finish we are talking about 30 seconds, felt longer!), I am still not sure if I did the right thing, just didn't want her to come off given that she has only just started riding, we swoped the girls over, dd getting on the other pony who was behaving and friends dd (similar age to mine but been riding a few years) got on the pony that was mucking about, dd wasn't keen on getting on the other pony but we talked her round and we just walked straight back up to the yard and then got off (other pony didn't muck about with friends dd), my dd was a bit freaked out but seemed fine and was still looking forward to her lesson the next day although she didn't want to ride her normal pony.
We arrive for lesson the next day and dd is fine, keen as ever until we walked into the indoor school to mount up, friend had put her on the most docile pony they have, he is bombproof and has got to the age where he just can't be bothered to muck about, as soon as she is near the pony she started freaking out, being really skittish, she didn't want to get on (pretended she could't mount), when she did get on she freaked, tried to cling onto me, wanted off. I lead as normal and someone walked alongside reassuring dd and after a few times round in walk dd started to relax a little but was saying she absolutely didn't want to trot, I was telling her she would be fine, pony wasn't going to muck about, other person was there etc, the other person also did the same and we kind of said 'we are trotting' and took the decision from her, dd did fine but then said she wanted off again but we didn't let her and also had her trotting a quarter of the school another 2 times, by the end of the lesson the other person had been able to go away and dd was much better if still very nervous.
Next lesson is tomorrow and due to half term we haven't been able to go to the yard, dd is looking forward to lesson tomorrow but says she is still a little bit scared and although she still loves the pony that mucked about on her she doesn't want to ride her again for a while.
What I want to know is am I doing the right thing in forcing her to stay on and do some trotting, I worry that my own horseyness is clouding my judgement and I am being a pushy Mum about it, I felt slightly vindicated when the other person last week was all 'yes you can do it, we are going to trot off we go' with her (other person is also a Mum though). I don't want dd to give up because she has had a little scare, if she is going to ride properly she is going to have a lot worse then that! I keep telling her the old saying that you can't call yourself a rider until you have had a fall and she has seen somebody come off and then get straight back up and on again (dd wasn't phased by that at all!) and she always smiles at that and says she understands, she is still keen for her lessons and wants a pony when she is older but I do wonder if pushing her through her fear like this is the right thing to do?
Sorry for the massive long post over quite a simple question, I am a terrible rambler (and speller!) so if you have managed to read this thank you and any honest thoughts would be very much appreciated also any ideas to help dd build up her confidence again, thanks so much!

[Callisto]

Personally, I think you were a bit pushy. She is obviously very frightened and she is only 5. I would take it right back to basics for a while - just walking and doing exercises like round the world, touching ponies ears and tail etc.

DD is the same age as your DD and is very, very keen. She has also come off a couple of times lately so I just take it really steady and only do what she wants to do. It would be really easy to put her off entirely and I really don't want to do that. I think you need to be lead by your DD's wishes here.

[roadkillbunny]

Thanks for the input, it is hard to think about these things properly when it is your own child!
She had her lesson yesterday, again was very very keen to go but said she was still a tiny bit scared, put her on a pony she had ridden before who is extremely calm and well behaved (same pony she rode back to the yard the day of the scare), dd was much better this time although she got scared again as soon as she was up and said she wanted off so told her we were just going to take it easy, had someone walk next to her again and she quickly relaxed this time. By a matter of chance she ended up leading the ride and turns out this was the perfect medicine! As you recommended took right back to basics and worked mainly in walk working on control, she was chuffed to be the lead and be the one to 'show the others what to do' when weaving between poles and the like, she did fantastic and the other person only needed to walk alongside for 5 minutes. Towards the end we did did a couple of trots, this time she didn't say a flat out no to wanting to do it but I let her negotiate down to just trotting half way round, by the second trot she did the whole school and just as we were getting ready to finish she was asking to do some more trotting!
I think that we are almost back to her old level of confidence although she has now switched her pony love to the one she rode today, she still loves the other one she says but loves the new one more! I expect next week to have a moment when she fert gets on and finds her balance but she is still really really keen. It is hard to know when to push it and I think it probably would have been better to let her just do walk in her first lesson after the incident but at the same time I also think that the longer she left it due to fear the harder it would have become to get back to it, maybe there is no right or wrong in that one, just shades of grey. It all would have been a different story if she has been saying she didn't want to have the lessons at all, if she had said she didn't want to ride again I would have put a hold on lessons for a while, if she had been upset at the thought of getting on a pony or going to the lessons there would have been no point and been counter productive to have forced her to go, at the end of the day if she wasn't having the lessons I would have lessons myself, something I would really rather like lol!
I hope things continue to improve, she was chuffed with herself after (and during) her lesson and is already excitedly talking about how next week she is going to try rising trot (so far she has been doing stand up sit downs in walk but just getting used to the movement of the pony in trot), I would have hated to have such a nothing really of an incident put her off riding for life, I guess it is a case of finding the balance of pushing through a loss of nerve. Thanks again.

[CheshireLady]

Sorry have only read the main bits so I'm sorry if I have missed something.

It's always hard when they get a fright. I think the problem here is your reaction to the the pony getting fresh. You got worried and got her off - that fine but your panic has scared her. What I feel you should have done is laughed at the pony and stayed relaxed eg it's the pony being silly you need to come and stand with me and see how silly your pony is being, she looks amazing but she is being silly.

Please don't get me wrong I don't want to laugh off the situation my aim is to keep your daughter relaxed and not to scare her and of course to keep her safe. Also it was a nice idea for her to go on the other pony but the getting back on the horse thing only works if they get back on the same horse/pony.

Howevever, she has been scared so we now need look at helping her. This is a hard one because you need to read the child. From what you have said I think I would give her a break from riding but not ponies! Get her to build a relationship with the pony - make her muck out and push her to do all the work that is needed to look after a pony.

Hopefully after 2 weeks she will want to ride. If she does you need to have a not careing attitude eg ok you can ride if you want too. If that works then continue - so you let her ride but you only trot if she asks and then you have the attitude of - ok only if you want to.

I hope that make sense. It's always hard to understand what's going on in a post. And I'm not the best at reading long posts. But I hope this post is helpful and please let us know how she gets on.

[roadkillbunny]

Hi, thanks, I agree that getting her off the pony when she was mucking about was probably not the best option however her instructor (who was there with her dd) and I have talked about it and the problem was the pony was not going to calm down as dd got scared and tense and the pony felt it, as soon as instructors dd got on pony stopped mucking about as the other girl is much more experienced and also has a very tough constitution! When talking about it to dd have always made light about it 'silly pony was feeling spring like, she wasn't in her riding school mode but her lets have fun mode, she was fresh, what a silly pony' and all that.
If dd has wanted to stop riding for a while that would have been fine with me however is only wanted to stop when she was on a pony at all other times she was still very keen and if I had said we were not going to have any lessons for a while she would have been very upset and I think also thought she had done something wrong and was being punished.
Anyway, after yesterdays lesson it's all academic as dd had a great ride, was rigid when she got on and for the first few steps but then quickly relaxed and really enjoyed her ride, back to her old confidence levels, possibly better and she has also continued learning through the process of getting her nerve back, it was like a different child yesterday compared to the last two lessons so I think that we did the right thing in the end, if it had looked at any time like being quite firm was going to send her the other way I would have backed right off.
Alls well that ends well and dd has learnt some important lessons about not giving up when the going gets tricky and that if you want something badly you have to put the work in. I am very keen for dd to be involved in all it takes to have a pony, she is a fab poo picker and is learning how to muck out, groom etc The ethos of the riding school is very much there is more to riding then turning up once a week to a fully groomed and tacked up pony waiting for you in the school and then after you finish riding jumping off and handing the pony to somebody else, all pupils are expected to get down and dirty with the ponies and learn through doing, I think this will set dd up very well for possibly having her own pony at some point as I don't know about anyone else I find it next to impossible to teach my children anything, dd will ask me question after question about ponies and pony care but when it comes to physically teaching her she just wont listen to me, luckily she has a great instructor who is also one of her best friends Mum and my friend, we are very lucky however I think my dh is having palpitations as dd has decided she wants to do dressage and will sit and watch video of high level dressage tests for hours given the chance!
Thanks for all the help, and I am sorry about the post lengths, I am very prone to droning on and on and very poor at being able to make short concise points!

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

You have my sympathy, my DD has been riding since just before she was 5 and she spent the first few years being incredibly nervous. Every time she got some confidence, something happened and she lost it again. She ha her own pony and was mainly taught by my friend, so didn't have much choice of what she rode. I made sure she made friends with her pony, and by a process of being pushy, coaxing, making jokes and just persevering, she has now, aged 12, got a lovely relationship with her pony, oodles of confidence, and we have been told she is a very good rider. She has always been adamant, even when she was nervous, that she didn't want to quit, and on this basis, I've often had to make her ride. But I know my child, and feel I did right. I now feel I have a confident, responsible child who knows how to look after her pony, can muck out, groom, asks to ride and just loves it.

[Pixel]

Saggy, I've never wanted to give up either despite being terrified. Strange isn't it? I mean, I hate the dentist too but I just don't bother going .

I was wondering if you could come round here and make me ride...

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Much as I'd like to oblige, it's been a seven year slog, getting her to where she is. I've done big fat lead rein mother, I've worked my guts out for weeks at a time so that she could have PC camp free at my friends school. I've got to the point where I can take her to the yard and leg it! Sorry, you're on your own!

[Pixel]

Oh but I want someone to take me to PC camp on the lead rein. There's no age limit right?

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Look. I've done my bit! I'm too old fat and lazy to go through all of that again! Why do you think I've left a lovely big gap between DD and any thought of another child? So that when the next one needs to do all of that stuff big sis is on hand! I finished with all that crap when I was blundering round the show ring on the lead, and I slipped in a cow pat and fell over! got laughed at and covered in shit

[Pixel]

Hahahahahahaha...

...don't suppose you have a picture?

Ah never mind, have some , you deserve it.

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

no. No pictures! thank God

[roadkillbunny]

Just thought I would give a little update with this, After about a month of low level being unwell for dd she took two weeks off riding, last week watched me ride and saw the horse I was riding pull a couple of bronking moments (he has been on box rest for 6 months and was in his first week of coming back to work, he wanted to do more then he was ready for!) and I think seeing me sit it out and ride on with a smile helped her a little.
She went for her ride today feeling really positive and exited, fully back to health and didn't even blink when she was asked to ride the pony that mucked her around in the first place, she got up unassisted, sorted herself out and rode beautifully, she put allot of effort in and even managed to get her first few rises to the trot. It was a very different lesson to the previous few where she was tense on mounting and trying to get out of trotting any way possible so it seems that what she needed was a combination of pushing and time off to get herself fully fit and well. Thanks for all the input, it is so hard when it is your child, things never look the same as they would if it was anybody else's child!

[Callisto]

That's great! So glad she is feeling more confident again.

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

Brilliant. In so glad for her. There is nothing better than seeing your child happy.