Am I being unreasonable? In all seriousness..

[ilikemysleep]

My beloved mother who is in her late 60s has recently got a cav. We chose this dog for/ with her (she was looking at puppies of unsuitable, highly active breed like border collies) as a rescued adult dog specified good with kids who wouldn't mind missing the occasional walk (my Mum is good, but not 100% consistent, at taking the dog out daily for walks, but she has a very large rural garden). This seems to have worked marvellously and she and the dog have bonded well.

However not long after she got this dog there was a family emergency in our household and she came down to help out at very short notice (the same day). Obviously in those circumstances I said the dog could come with her even though we had previously said we weren't keen on having it here when she asked about it. So, it came, it was in season, it scent marked all over the house and peed a few times on our carpets, but wasn't badly behaved. Now, because the dog travels well she seems to think it can come to our house whenever she comes. We don't want a dog in our house, particularly. It isn't that we hate the dog, it's partly that I feel I have to monitor the children and dog's interactions all the time - my two year old in particular wants to cuddle the dog and I can see the dog gets fed up - and partly because, well, we aren't doggy people and we don't really see why this dog needs to visit and stay (Mum has had other larger breeds in the past and has never asked for dog to visit with her). We have offered to pay for kennels if finances are an issue. At Christmas she rang up the night before - having known she was visiting for two months - to say 'It's okay if the dog comes, isn't it?' and we felt we had no choice but to say yes. Now she is asking about half term and I have said several times that she can come, but the dog can't (we can't visit her this time for various reasons) and she is blaming my husband, asking if he goes away on business that week can she bring the dog etc.

So, why doesn't she get that we don't want her dog visiting? I have spelled it out repeatedly. I understand she loves it...but when she visited my other sister who lives in London, so she had to go on the train - she didn't even consider taking the dog, she got a neighbour to look after it. Why does she think she can bring it here? Do people normally expect to bring their dogs when they visit? Am I being unreasonable?? It's so strange to me - she has owned a dog for 15 years and this has never been an issue before...

[Loughrigg]

But she thinks you like her dog, after all, you helped choose it. (In her eyes any way)

[ilikemysleep]

Well, I do quite like her dog... For her! But I don't want it staying at my house (I should clarify, we live some hours away, so it's several days at a time, not an over lunch visit with a little walk).

[SpicyPear]

No you are not. I don't expect anyone, even my parents to have my dogs in their house.
It's only through threads on here and a couple of real life friends that have this unwanted dog visitor problem that I even knew people were like that. I think it's mad to expect them to be welcome, especially when the visitee household has kids.

How clearly have you spelled it out? You should explain that it is not just DH who doesn't want it to visit and point out about previous dogs.

[SpicyPear]

Oh and as a doggy person I only really want my dogs in my house as I know they are reliably toilet trained and neutered. I definitely would not want a bitch in heat marking in my house!

[happygardening]

My mother is on her own and has a dog she IMO views the dog like a replacement partner in fact better after all it never answers back and loves you unconditionally. She wont leave the dog and therefore wont stay with anyone even though I am somewhat reluctantly prepared to have it in my house I have dogs but also a cat and the dog loves chasing cats! This dog is so important to my mother that she will not out it in kennels get a house sitter etc because no one can look after it like she can!
You have children a DH probably a job in other words a life where lots of things happen older people have less and their pets become the main thing in their lives and they often share so much together especially if they are alone so the idea of leaving them becomes difficult.
I dont know the answer to this but I doubt it will get any better.

[Callisto]

Why is it not neutered though? I though all rescue dogs were neutered.

Personally, I would suck this one up. My Dad comes to visit regularly and brings 4 dogs with him all of whom are pains in the butt to some extent, and make my dogs look like angels in comparison. But Dad loves his dogs (they helped him adjust to life withou my Mum a couple of years ago) and I love Dad, so I resign myself to having his dogs to stay as well as him. Perhaps you can get a stairgate and confine the dog to certain rooms and away from your children?

[ilikemysleep]

Callisto - it wasn't rescued, shouldn't have put that. I meant rehomed. It was rehomed from a small scale breeder and had had one litter of puppies that had to be delivered by ceasarian so was no longer suitable for breeding. It wasn't neutered then so it could feed the pups and then apparently they are best neutered soon after a season so they had to wait for her to season again (while visiting our house was its first season since the puppies). I don't think it was illtreated as it has no behaviour problems and is docile, but it had never been walked on the lead so I don't expect it was having a marvellous life.

I don't want to suck it up, because we don't already have dogs and my husband really doesn't like them much. If it were just for me I might do so, but I find it...disrespectful - I think..of my Mum to persist in asking if we can't go behind my husband's back and bring the dog here while he's away. Happygardening I think you might be close to the mark - she can see that this dog adores her and I think she doesn't WANT to leave it behind...but then she's choosing dog over grandkids, surely? Well, she's trying not to choose, because she wants to have her cake and eat it too...

[happygardening]

OP My mother has chosen her dog over her grand children sister daughter in fact everyone else as we don't live at all close by and she wont leave the dog. To all of us it seems annoying and not to mention upsetting but the dog is her life and she worships the ground it walks upon. So I've learnt to accept it. Perhaps as children we need to indulge our elderly parents once in a while I'm not saying its easy and in fact writing in this thread has made me realise how important the dog is to my mother I'm just going to have to live with it. .

[Floralnomad]

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I wouldn't expect anyone to bring a dog when they come to stay ,unless it was some kind of assistance dog!

[PandaWatch]

Did you make it clear to your mum before she got the dog that the dog wouldn't be welcome at your house? Roughly how many days a year does your mum come to visit?

I personally would never leave our dog in kennels so this may be an issue but maybe you could suggest she gets a dogsitter or takes her to someone who looks after the dog in their own home?

[PandaWatch]

Oh and I wouldn't take it as disrespectful. I can't imagine how lonely it must be when you live on your own after your family have all flown the nest (assuming your mum doesn't have a DP?). The dog will be her constant companion who provides her with love and company when no one else is around.

[ilikemysleep]

Pandawatch - I think she was assuming that she wouldn't travel with it, because she said while weighing it up that the trouble with having a dog is that it is tying and harder to go away, if she was assuming she would just be able to bring it with her she wouldn't have thought that. It never occurred to me as an issue because she has had dogs before and never brought them with her.

Mum does have a DP, my father, but he works abroad a lot.

I have a husband who gives me love and nurture and is my constant companion, but I am capable of leaving him behind when I go off to visit places sometimes...I even occasionally leave my kids behind with my husband, for example when I visit my sister in London...if my sister said that her DP didn't want my DH visiting (for instance) I would be upset but I wouldn't ring and ask if we could sneak him in for a visit while her DP is away....and he is a human!

[littlejo67]

It sounds like you have already made up your mind that you won't tolerate a dog in your house and would like your mum to respect that. You have two choices either put up with it but limit areas in your house the dog can go or say no. Then you may find that she does not visit so much, but that will be her choice. It's damage limitation as there is not a perfect solution. Pick the option which irritates you the less.

[JumpingJackSprat]

i might have missed this but what are you expecting her to do with this dog for a few days while she stays with you?

[ilikemysleep]

Hi there
I don't know what she would do with the dog - in the past she has either had neighbours in (she lives in a small rural community and her opposite neighbour adores dogs, has several of her own and has offered to look after / walk the dog whenever. and did in fact do so when she went away to London) and in the past she has also used kennels.

I think it surprised me because she has never had an issue leaving her dogs in the past, though she loved them. I think she just sees this one as smaller and therefore more transportable. It's all solved now as she has found a new kennels she likes and she is going to use that one. We will pay for the dog to stay there.

Thanks everyone.