I feel like I've failed dd

[KathH]

DD2 is dreadfully behaved. She's nearly 14. She stretches dh & me to the limit. She's rude, bad mannered, her school say she has an attitude. No matter what sanctions we try & impose she's not fussed. Tonight I told her she couldn't go out but she went anyway. DH told her that if she went out she wasn't coming back. She's now sleeping at her friends across the street. I've tried offering to take her on outings on her own in case she feels that she's being left out (dd1 is 17 & full of plans to go to Uni, ds1 who's 11 is really into football and ds2 who's nearly 6 is I suppose baby'd quite a bit. I feel I'm really at the end of the road with her. I love her but I just don't know how to deal with her. She was screaming in the street tonight so much that she hates us that it drew quite a crowd of neighbours. Any suggestions helpfully received.

[ivykaty44]

Stop there on the failing your dd - you havn't

broken record works eventually with a word of that is not acceptable behaviour don't do it

then leave it

but keep showing her the way

[nickschick]

My 14 year old has an illness that makes him very moody but I think a lot of teens go through this stage and seem insistent on breaking rules even stupid rules that a really courtesy.

I think that when things are a bit calmer you should try and draw her into a chat about everything going on her life - of the 14 year olds I know 1 is pregnant,several are heavy drinkers and they smoke.....teens arent what they used to be.

I dont know quite where we went past the line of parent and child,it seemed that 1 minute they adored us and now they do anything to upset us.

[colditz]

Sanction for going out when you told her she couldn't?

[scurryfunge]

DH needs to understand that throwing her out isn't a solution...you both have a responsibility to look after her.

What sanctions are available to you?

Does she have a mobile, a tv, pocket money, trips out etc.

Start using these as rewards for good behaviour and avoid the slanging matches for bad behaviour.

You need to be firm and as ivykaty suggests, broken record about what you expect.

[iwastooearlytobeayummymummy]

Kath

I'm so sorry, I've got 4 too and keeping those 'plates spinning' is tough at times.
It sounds to me that she is missing you at the moment and you may need to really persist with the one on one time, perhaps even springing something on her, like getting your nails done, the movies or a pizza out for just you 2
I am sure this will feel contradictory, as if you are 'rewarding' her behaviour, but at least you will know you are trying.
good luck

[Valpollicella]

God this sounds hard on you

But if you told her she wasn't to go out, how did she get past you? I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh...

When she comes home you need to crack down. Remove her privilidges and some of her things..iPod, mobile, internet acces etc. She can earn them back with good behaviour. Because it's pretty oppositional to defy your parents when they've told you you're not going out ande do it anyway.

So, go hardcore. The lack of mobile will be an instant sanction

[KathH]

Thanks for all your replies. Sometime's she's lovely and we can have a really good laugh as a family. I think part of the problem is that dh works really crappy shifts and I spose I end up giving in to her because it makes everyone's life easier.

Example of tonight -

dd: What are you looking at?

Me: I'm just looking at you.

dd: Don't look at me. I'm going out now.

DH: No you're not it's half nine

dd: I don't care. I'm going out.

dh: If you go out you can forget the laptop

dd2: I'm going out anyway

dh: If you go out you can forget coming back home

dd: I don't care, I hate this shithole anyway (door slams)

I know dh's attitude doesn't help which which spoken about tonight. DD1 and DS1 and DS2 are quite easonable human beings. Where am I going wrong with dd2?

[Valpollicella]

Err. Kath. Seriously. She;s not even 14 and she is telling you she's going out?

Why aren't you stopping her?

[scurryfunge]

The "forget about coming home" is not about sanctions...it is a clear message to her that she is not welcome in her house and that DH has given up or doesn't care about her(in her eyes).

There are no options left but to rebel...she has lost everything anyway.

[colditz]

Never mind the laptop.

Take the laptop, her phone, all her clothes and shoes except school clothes and ALL her cosmetics, and make her earn them back by being polite, day by day.

So, polite and reasonable tomorrow, she gets to choose 1 thing to get back. Polite and reasonable the next day - she gets another thing back.

And NO pocket money this week, obviously.

Rude little oik.

[Tortington]

i would have just shut the door - wouldnt of entertained a street drama - its like fuel for the daemon is drama to a teenager.

i always told mine that they had a kerfew - we negotiated it - BUT it wasn't always firm and fast - if there was a special something going on - they could stay out later as long as i knew where they were and they send me a text telling me they wern't dead.

that still applies today too.

ive had the 'im going out and you can't stop me' shit - and i always told them that going out isn't the problem, it's gettingback in!

cos im not about to wrestle a teenager to the floor.

i think that dissapointment is a bigger emotional leverage than anger with girls.

and my dh sound just like yours. ..with the shouting things you can't possibly stick to - then if i pull my dh up about it - he goes off on one...then says he will leave it to me in future - like it gives him an excuse to opt out the shit stuff which is pants!

so sympathies!

i know its hard - almost friggin impossible - but ignore ignore ignore.

keep a normal tone and enter into these situations like you have just smoked a huge fat joint.

[Tortington]

and when she comes back i would ignore her too - with that frosty politeness that mums do.

id be v. careful when you are thinking about your sanctions - like taking things away it can just add fuel to a fire - and its drama after bleedin drama - so you could be constantly doing it!

maybe show your distain with the mr frosty bit, then when she wants something - a top - a hairbrush she cant find...whatever.. and she asks you, you then have the upper hand as she has come to you and its at this point you can say ( v. Nicely) can we have a chat love... i dont like fighting with you, but this isn;t working, so there really has to be a punishment for your behaviour don't you agree? ( she will) then ask her what she thinks is reasonable.

that way she can't do the Kevin schtick 'muuuuuum it's soo not fair!'

[Tortington]

mjinhiding - i like your style.

[Tortington]

indeedy!

ds went out after we told him he couldnt.
we locked up and he spent the night in the shed

shit you not

[iwastooearlytobeayummymummy]

Kath

Do you know what's really going on in your DDs life at the moment?

Is she unhappy with her friends, is she struggling with some subjects at school? does she feel overlooked in the family?
is she worried about something or her future?
is she unhappy with the way she looks?

if she feels you are listening to her and that she can trust you to love her regardless, and that you can make time just for her, she will probably respond in a more acceptable way.

i also found it helpful to ask mine, how would they feel if they overheard their behaviour from someone else, and what they would do if they were the parent in that situation.

[IloveBafanaBafana]

Custardo always has wise words - listen. And mjinhiding has become another poster (in 2 posts) that I will listen to. Wise words.

Have typed a whole lot more in, but think that they say in better and more succintly!

Good luck