Pregnant Teenager

[rose1927]

Hi, my daughter has just told me she is pregnant about 6 weeks. She is just 17. She has an on off relationship with her boyfriend of about a year.
I am really struggling. I have told her we will support her no matter what her decision, but I really do not want her to have this baby. I have told her if she decides to keep it we will support her but that we do not want to bring up any more children. I cannot see how she could live at home as my husband is convinced it would be to easy for her to unload her responsibilities on us. I am torn part of me want to love her to death and tell her it is all ok and the other part really does not want to look after any more children. She would need to either get a job on end up on some sort of benefit although her boyfriend works he does not earn a lot. This is just not the life I wanted for her. Please help I am sooo sad.

[ddgm]

Hi
Sorry not much advice here never been in your position (kids 15,14,13,10 so never say never) but didint want you to think no one was out here.
Firstly I think you are doing the right thing just support what ever she decides tell you you will support her as much as you can but that that will stop short of being a fully time live in "childminder" but you will be there to help her through this difficult time.
I can imagine its hard at the moment but if she keeps the baby just remember that one day a grandchild will be in your arms and as a family you will get through what ever she does.

[Chatelaine]

Massive shock I bet, what does the boyfriend think/his reaction and do you get on? If your daughter and he want to be together and raise the baby with family in the background that might be a good outcome. Does he have a family behind him? Difficult, I know, and not what you would choose, but if they want to keep the baby and be together then they would likely qualify for help with rent etc. If that's your daughter's decision and she is mature enough to cope with the realities then it may not be doom & gloom. Hard though it is, it should be explained to her the commitment she is undertaking in having the child. I do sympathise, be honest with her about how you feel, as you say you don't want to bring up anymore children. So her decision is about taking responsibility for herself and boyfriend's future.

[rose1927]

Thank you for replying...Her boyfriend is ok, he works full time but not a great job but at least he works..He likes to gamble a bit and they are both young and the relationship is hot and cold six of one and half a dozen of the other I think.  I would not call it a stable relationship and that worries me because if they are not happy now a baby will only make it worse.  My daughter will have to give up her job as she is an apprentice and loves her job her horseriding too.  Her boyfriend is Happy and so are his family which I feel is dragging her towards keeping it.  I am only interested in my baby and I want her to have a good life not end up on her own at 17 with a baby.  I am honestly not sure if she will be able to cope. If she wants to terminate this pregnancy I want her to do it sooner rather than later for obvious reasons.  Many thanks to you again for your support.

[BottleOfRum]

I didn't want to read this without replying Rose, but not sure how useful my input will be.

I had a termination when I was younger, because I had an unstable relationship with my then-boyfriend etc. Even though I was young and would have struggled at the time, it really has haunted me since, and there are so many times I think about it. After it happened, I went a bit 'wild' so to speak too.

I just wanted to make sure that if your daughter does choose a termination, its not necessarily the 'easier' option than having a baby - because a termination can also come with other issues.

I think the best thing to do is to tell your daughter you love her and will support her no matter what, but that this is a decision SHE will have to make and live with.

Best of luck to you both.x

[rose1927]

I know, I dont think a termination it an easier option and I dont think she would cope with that very well either it is a complete mess. I am too worried that it will haunt her all her life and me. I just wish she was a little older and I really wish I could just say stay at home it will all be ok. I have an older son at uni and a 9 year old and I just know if she stays here with a baby it will drive my husband and I apart. I feel such a selfish cow . My husband says if she has this baby then she has to take responsibility for it and it she cant she should not have it he is happy to support her but support is different to helping raise it. He has warned both the teenagers since they were sexually active that no babies in this house. I thought she was on the pill, what makes me cross is she knew she had taken a risk and didnt even bother with the morning after pill. Many thanks for all your points of view I wish my mum was still alive this is so hard I just dont want her to make the wrong choice either way but I would be lying if I said I wanted her to keep it.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

I've sort-of been there, but from the "other side", as it were - I have two sons who each impregnated their girlfriends as teenagers. I could only say that I would support whatever decision the couples made. The first terminated, and now bitterly regrets that she did, as she has developed PCOS and may have difficulty conceiving again. (She and my son are still together, and are engaged.)

The second miscarried and then conceived again, and my DS2 became a daddy at the ripe old age of 18 (though he turned 19 not long after.) Of course I was upset to begin with, as I thought he'd thrown his life away, but he, his GF and their baby moved into their own place recently and are making a life together. My gorgeous dgs is nearly a year old, my son is working (in a crappy job, but it's a job) and they get top-up benefits. They're very much in love and devoted to their DS, and of course have their whole lives to come.

The situation for your DD is different, of course, as her relationship isn't as stable, but perhaps (if she decides to keep it) he'll man up and take his share of the responsibility for the baby?

[Chatelaine]

You are definitely not selfish. It is important imo to explain to your daughter how you and your husband feel. If the relationship is not good between your daughter and the boyfriend then she must face up to that, all very difficult. Everyone is different, and for some a termination is the right course. There is going to be heart ache which ever choice she makes and as you say time is important. This has just come to light so probably she
hasn't had a chat with her GP? An outside perspective might help her.

[olderandwider]

rose1927, perhaps your DD could talk to a neutral person for advice. A nurse at your GPs for example? This might give her a more realistic perspective on her options.

Also, if her BF and his family are happy about her pregnancy, how would you and she feel about her living with them if she keeps the baby? That way you could still be supportive emotionally but would be spared the day to day feelings of responsibilty.
I don't know how you would phrase this to avoid her hearing a pretty painful rejection, but if you put the option to her, it may help her realise how very much you don't want to be the carer of this baby.

I think you need to keep saying that you will love her and support her whatever she decides, but that she must find a way of living independently of your practical day to day help as this will severely test your relationship with your DH.

[rose1927]

Thank you all, I have today spoken to her old school nurse who has offered to chat to her and also given me some more numbers for advice which she will hopefully take up.  We had a good chat last night and she feels that we want her to have a termination (which I suppose we do) but we have said again it is up to her.  I have tried to get her to think about trying to carry on with her hairdressing apprenticeship and my DH has thawed a little maybe if she lived with us until her training was complete then when she could earn more they may have a fighting chance.  But I feel very nervous about it I must say.  I want to say no way but when she looks so young and scared sobbing in her bed how can I say you cant stay at home until you are on your feet again if you decide to go ahead.  She is so young for her age, still all makeup, shopping and horseriding she is so not ready for any of this. Many thanks to all I have found your advice really useful and supportive.

[DaniellaC]

You sound really caring and like you are helping her in exactly the right way but I just wanted to tell you my side.
I got pregnant at 16 was in a stable-ish relationship and was really happy about it. I went home and told my mum as soon as I found out. The first words out of her mouth were 'oh dear there's ways of sorting that out isn't there'. By the time I came home the next day she had booked me a doctors appointment to talk about getting a termination. I told her I wanted to keep it and she said to me that there was no way that was happening unless I moved out and got a job in the next month (I was still in school).
I felt like I had no choice and now just over 2 years on I still hold it against her. I still regret not standing my ground.
I know you are not trying to push her into an abortion but please just be there for her and leave her to decide for herself

[izzybiz]

Rose you do sound like you are doing everything right.
I got pregnant at 16, my dad found it much harder to deal with than my mum, she said "You're not the first and you wont be the last"

I went on to have my baby, I was on benefits and stayed at home till I moved in with my boyfriend and his mum when Ds was 5 months old.

To cut a long story short, Bf and I split when Ds was 2, I moved into my own place and have brought him up into a wonderful young man, I'm now married with 2 more Dc's, and Ds 1 is 17 annd the best thing I have ever done!
I would not change a thing.

She will make the right decision for her, it may not be what you wanted for her, but she can still build a wonderful life for herself whichever way she decides to go. She just needs to know that her mum and dad will support her no matter what.

[rose1927]

Thank you all, We have given her a fair option which is to carry on at hairdressing and stay home till qualified. She gave us the typical teenager immature answer that she does not want the clients seeing her pregnant and looking down at her she is not going back there and will get a job in a cafe and earn more money now. She wants to rent a house with her boyfriend and will not go anywhere that is not nice will not contact the council and will not claim benefits. He earns after his car and insurance 600.00 per month. I cannot make her see that her figures just do not add up and have stressed that we will not financially support her. Our son is off to UNI and we have an obligation to him, he has had this planned for years. We have said she can come home after the baby for a few weeks or we will go to her wherever she maybe living. I wish is would just all go away think I might go the docs for some valium cant eat cant sleep. She is fed up of me going on at her the trouble is I feel she needs to decide before her pregnancy advances much further. She comes in from work to this over anxious mad woman that just blurts all this stuff at her. I have got her some more councilling and am going to staple my mouth shut until she reaches a decision. thank you all I really dont know what I would of done without you this week.

[CantSupinate]

One day at a time, Rose -- look after yourself.

[DaniellaC]

I know it probably doesn't feel like it to you but you sound like you are doing well and giving her some really good support
Just remember to look after yourself too.

[rose1927]

One day at a time, best advice I have had feel calmer already. thank you.

[cassann46]

Hello rose, i felt I had to reply, my daughter at 17 told me in february this year she was 20 weeks pregnant!! This was a massive shock at first for me as last year i had lost both my mum and dad to cancer and like you i wanted my life back. I was also angry with her as i know we had an open relationship about sex/contraception etc and i know she knew all the facts, i felt at first she had not listened to me. She decided to keep the baby, personally i am against abortion but i respect other peoples decisions and it really is a personal thing. We have been married 25 years and this is not what we planned but now with 6 weeks to go we are all looking forward to it and try to take the view that a baby is a joy really especially after last year which was such a sad year. At 17 she will be able to access a good range of benefits, whilst this again seems like she is going to be a sponger if she wants to carry on in education she will get a lot of help so our view is the benefits are a short term thing to enable her to lead a better life in a few years, my advise is to support her as best as you can and make clear rules about what assistance you will give as far as baby sitting goes etc. I do know how yoiu feel it is very hurtful at first just try to think a baby is not an illness and there are people much worse off, please contact me agaun if you need to speak as i found mumsnet very useful to speak to others in the same situation.

[rose1927]

thank you cassann46 its nice to know we am not alone, I am feeling a little more positive now.

[SirBoobAlot]

I fell pregnant at 17 in February last year, after having only been with my boyfriend five weeks. I now have a beautiful seven month old son. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

For various reasons I am living at home, and I find quite the opposite of one of your concerns - it is difficult to get my parents to stay away and let me parent myself! My parents have said that actually they feel very blessed having their grandchild living with them, and getting to see so much of his early life, as not all grandparents do. But they maybe having him for five minutes tops a day, to give me time to have a shower, though I tend to wait till he is bed now. Sometimes my mum helps me out if I am having a very bad day with my illness and changes a nappy or two to give me some time to rest. But mainly, I want to do it. I don't want anyone else doing it. He is my baby boy and my responsibility, and to be honest, I revel in it - he give my life meaning again.

I know you are obviously concerned for your daughter, but some of what you are saying is pretty harsh. She may seem very young right now, and she probably feels it, I know I did. But you grow up very quickly when you have a baby, regardless of your age. Some of the young mums I have met through pregnancy and postnatal - some as young as 15 - are "older" than some 30 year olds I know.

Secondly, careers - whatever their stage - go on hold at least for a short time when you have a child. And that could be at 17, 27, 37, even 47. For health reasons I am out of education and have been for two years. Whether I had had my son or not would not have changed that. I want to go back to studying, and hopefully eventually working when I am well enough, and if nothing else, my son has given me the motivation to not give up. So do not let that be a factor of your concerns

Finally, as much as you may feel a termination may be best for her, please please please do not put the pressure on her to make that decision. I kept my pregnancy, and that wasn't because I wanted a baby; it was because I couldn't bare to do through with the other option. My mum, partner and partners family all thought a termination was the best option. And knowing that, having it piled against me, even if it wasn't said openly, made me feel even more frightened and isolated than seeing that line appear on the twenty pregnancy test. As frightened, confused, upset, angry and overwhelmed as you are feeling right now, she is probably feeling at least 100 times that.

I hope this doesn't sound like a personal attack, it is really not supposed to. But the memory of my early pregnancy is very clear (and my brain is not functioning correctly tonight, so apologies for wrong phrasing etc).

Sending you both lots of strength right now - if she does decide to keep her baby and wants someone to talk to, there are several young mums / people who were young mums on here.

Take care, now.

[rose1927]

Thank you sirboobalot

No is certainly dosen't feel like a personal attack. I just think for us personally her living here permantely would be difficult. I did not enjoy my children as babies I found it suffocating and spent lots of time sitting crying in swing parks and to my mum. Our youngest daughter who is now 9 did not sleep through until she was 4. We have finally become financially sound and I am able to work just an hour a day as a dinnerlady. I really enjoy having my time at home and enjoy my youngest daughter. Neither of us want to go back to that baby stage some parent like it but not everyone has that interest. There are babies in our extended family an I can say honestly my husband and I dont really acknowledge them never offer to hold them or the babysit or help out we just have done that. We dont want a crying baby again. Or to be woken in the night. To be fair we have offered our pregnant daughter the chance to finish her training and stay at home for 18 months 2 years to save up some money and become independent, but she needs become independent of us and really what we are offering is not what we want but what we feel we have to do to support her. I feel she just expects us to make this ok but we cant. She has to accept that she needs to grow up. She has just pulled a face at us as her step dad wont spend 350 on a jumping saddle until he know what she is doing. The response was well I would jump after the baby....well after the baby she is a grown up as parents the days of shelling loads of cash on a hobby are long gone. We love her so much and will support her but I know her very well and am worried that if she does not know the realities of her situation if she has this baby it will be such a shock to her. She knew how we felt about all of this since she was 14. Your parents obviously adore your baby but I really dont know how I will feel My inlaws adore there granchildren. But I always saw myself as a quick pop in for tea every couple of months grandma in about 10 years time. If she wants a child she should have it...but is it fair to make us have when she has known how we feel all along? It is harsh but she has let this happen through carelessness she knew she had had unprotected sex and just didnt bother to get the morning after because she did not think she would get pregnant. I think I have every right to be a bit cross at the moment.

[Chatelaine]

Rose, that sounds such an honest answer to Sirboobalot, that must have taken a lot out of you. I really do feel that many young people hold their parents to ransom. They want all the trappings of an adult life with few of the responsibilities attached. They need to realise that parents have often made sacrifices & compromises in their own lives already, most probably willingly, but do not have a magic wand. As you say, unprotected sex, or even sex outside of a stable relationship is risking this situation. You are between a rock and a hard place, but continue to be honest with yourself.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

You poor thing Rose - it must be a nightmare.

My point of view.

I had my dd when I was 17. Now, i don't regret it as my circumstances were a bit all over the place (I has an abusive childhood and had no family, so looking back was creating a family of my own). But bloody hell it was so, so hard. Her father buggered off when she was 3 months old, and I was skint for years and really struggled. It all turned out really well in the end - got a good job, met DP, life is all rosy, but I would not recommend being a teenage mother to anyone.

DD is now 14. I have always said to her that she needs to be vigilant with contraception because if she became pregnant I would feel very striongly that she would need to have an abortion. Mind you, I have absoluitely no moral objection to termination, I know that not everyone feels the same.

You are being very kind in saying that you will support her in whatever she chooses to do, but to be honest I think it would be a good idea to talk to Marie Stopes or someone (Brook Advisroy - are they still going?) about all her options and not to write off abortion. 17 is frighetningly young to have a baby.

You have all my sympathy - both of you - as this is a rotten situation to be in. FWIW you sound lovely.

[Butterbur]

Do abortion clinics still do counseling?

Some years ago the then Pregnancy Advisory Service made all prospective clients go through counseling to help them decide what was the right choice for them.

There was absolutely no pressure to have an abortion at the end of it.

Might this help your daughter?

[expatinscotland]

Don't beat yourself up over how you feel, rose.

I feel the same and, like you, will make it very clear to my children that any child they have is theirs and 100% their responsibility because we feel so strongly we don't want any more kids DH had a vasectomy.

They'd have to move out, too. I couldn't afford to keep another child and be woken in the night by crying babies and then go to work.

I was an older mother when I had children and when they're in their mid teens I'll be in my late 40s and early 50s.

Your daughter, unfortunately, seems a bit immature and doesn't understand the full realities of having a baby.

I hope she can see a counsellor, too.

[rose1927]

Thank you all so much, I am sitting here sobbing.. I think the reality of her having to go through an abortion would destroy her.  I dont think I can bear to see her in such emotional pain. Also not sure she could cope with a baby and that might destroy us. I can see such conflict. I was so happy in my smug little life. I so want to say just stay here I will make it all ok but am so scared of the consequences. Do you think I have been to hard? I want to make this better for her but I cant x

[expatinscotland]

Rose, you've been honest. You know the realities of having a baby and then, a young child. And they are not for you anymore. Or your relationship, which is important because, well, kids grow up and fly the coop eventually.

Stop beating yourself up over how you feel, because, sadly, your daughter made a poor decision. We all do, but sadly, some mistakes are greater than others.

She will hopefully learn from this but no matter what, she has to be responsible for the consequences of her actions.

But you can't be someone you are not or be expected to put aside your own life due to her mistake. She's an adult now.

I'd feel the same way.