DD - makes no effort but then gets upset

[maggotts]

DD1 is nearly 14. She is a lovely girl but makes no effort at all at pretty much anything despite her good intentions. Today she is playing violin in concert at school and was in a foul mood as she hasn't practised at all (and I mean not once in last week) so will be crap. Has also just been dropped from rounders team for not practising her batting (very upset about this too). There is supposedly always a reason why she couldn't do it (her bat isn't "right") but basically just lolling about or watching TV.

Personal hygiene suffers as well - she looks beautiful (hair done etc) but showers very very infrequently so can get really quite whiffy. Swimming kit always left in bag so mouldy and smelly each week. Clothes never put in laundry so has to wear dirty uniform to school. And so on and so on ...

I don't think I should be constantly nagging her to practice or to shower or to pack her school bag etc as it just puts her in a foul mood with me and ruins our relationship.

I don't think I should run round after her looking for dirty clothes (often left in unlikely places) and unpacking swim stuff etc as she is old enough to do this herself.

So I have just left her to it in hope that she will improve. However she hasn't at all and her general lack of effort is actually getting her really down (being crap, dropped, smelly etc.

Any suggestions?

Failing that, anyone else had similarly pathetic children who transformed magically at some stage?

[scaryteacher]

It's teenage brain - I'm waiting for 14 yo ds to morph out of this.

[luciemule]

Sounds like she has low self esteem and perhaps feels as though she isn't good at anything. Is there something she really loves or would love and that would give her more confidence. Trying to put all her efforts into lots of things may not suit her and perhaps concentrating on one thing would make her more likely to succeed and therefore be better for her esteem.

Think you need a chat about the personal hygiene thing though as surely she'll become alienated by friends if she's a bit whiffy? Yes, in the short term she might be mad at you but in the long term, she'll appreciate it. You're her mum and she's still young at 14 and has a lot to learn. How about saying that you'll take her out for a pizza/cinema if you keeps her room tidy and put her clothes in the laundry? Once she knows your boundaries and what you'll put up with and what you won't, she'll have a better picture in her head as to what's expected of her.

[maggotts]

luciemule - it does sound like low self esteem BUT she always sounds so confident beforehand e.g. if asked whether she has done enough violin she will insist that she can play it perfectly. She could be great at violin if she wanted - her teacher told me after 3 lessons that she had enormous potential - but she gets by on the barest minimum of practice and he has no idea how little she actually does. Appreciate that it may not be her thing though but haven't found anything that really grabs her.

But am very conscious of esteem issue so have been approaching personal hygiene possibly too tactfully i.e. make sure you have a shower today (which gets a very annoyed reaction) rather than "For goodness sake, you reek!" Have had lots of chats and she means well but it seems low priority when there is lolling around to be done.

Am hoping it is just teenage brain like scaryteacher says. She is really so very lovely in all other ways that it is just a pity she can't be a bit more motivated (for her own sake).

[Stricnine]

We had a bit of this with DD 13... it's kind of passed a bit now but things she picked up easily and teachers thought she was 'good' at she often failed because she didn't practice etc and expected to do it 'automatically'...

It took a couple of sharp awakenings (failings) before she began to get the point - she failed a karate exam and then a few months later an audition for the next level class at her drama... both were fairly traumatic events at the time, but she's really coming through it now...

Would definately recommend finding what it is that your DD really enjoys and focus on that... rather than taking on too many activities.

The personal hygene issue may well follow suit as her self esteem improves... although we don't have that issue - it's hours (and hours) getting her hair done just right!!!

[violetqueen]

My DS has to be reminded /pushed to wash,cut nails etc.
Could you maybe push her towards a routine - school uniform, swimming clothes in washing machine /laundry basket before she eats dinner ?
So as you're sitting down you remind her - keep doing so until she gets in the habit ?
Similarly tie shower into something else - before she watches a regular Tv programme ,before she goes to bed ? Remind her ,shower before bed tonight ,and then 30 mins before shower time .
I know it sounds a pain ,but she will get into the habit and you won't have to remind her for ever.
Its too important to leave to her ,and she's clearly not managing .

[maggotts]

Have taken advice on board!

Am forcing shower in a non nagging way helped by sudden onset of summer e.g. it's been warm today, you'll have to have a shower which has been accepted with just a bit of muttering. Hopefully by autumn the habit will have re-established itself without our input.

Am also keeping an eye on activities as she does tend to say Yes to everything so have just turned down extra night of orchestra as one step too far.

Just need to work on self esteem now - that's the tricky one!

[Tortington]

yes teenagers are just children still. they rarely have a sense of responsability for say putting their uniform away so it wont get creased, or practising anything - when there is a tv around not likley!

you are still the parent. and whilst she is quite capable of doing these things she wont and hoping that she will is leaving her smelly, dirty and rubbish at violin.

so as the parent you need to navigate this in a way that suits you both.

for instance, whilst i didn;t run around getting pe kit for my lot - but i knew when pe day was - so i told them to sort their kit out.

if they came home with a swim bag, i told them to empty it and put it in washing machine.

they all know how to use washing machine, so once a week i tell them to bring their dirty clothes down.

at this point i then tell them to bung it in washing machine and turn to number 5.

an hour later i tell them to take it out and hang it.

if homework needed doing, i would tell them to do it.

theres a pattern here. you hae to tell them to do it and that's that.

you could set a timetable up, mark stuff pn a calander, but the only thing that works is you saying it.

[icantthinkofone]

Can anyone tell me how to get my 15 year old to talk to me? She's always been a lovely child but has now turned into a brick wall