abortion and young teens

[oxocube]

My dd is almost 13, she has had the sex ed talks at school, I am open to questions about sex, drugs, smoking etc and we have (at the moment) a very good and open relationship. She has recently asked about my personal experiences eg 'how many boyfriends did you sleep with before daddy?', 'did you ever take drugs?' etc. I feel a hypocrite to lie and yet I don't want to give too much info away as I think some things are private.

The latest questions have been about abortion and am I pro-choice? I said definitely yes. She then asked if I had ever had an abortion. The answer is yes and I feel it was right for me at the time but is it appropriate to share this with a 13 year old? She is a sensible 13 but I appreciate that this is a very emotive subject. A few of her friends have strong religious beliefs (not that I think she would necessarily share this with them)

Where do we draw the line between openess and personal discretion?

[oxocube]

Sorry, the title should read 'abortion questions and young teens'

[Cogitoergosum]

Oooo, tricky! I shall be watching this one with interest.

My instinct is that she's too young to know about the abortion you had in your past, she may well resent you for not providing her with the sibling. Perhaps it's best kept for when she's much older and can handle the info with maturity?

[DuelingFanjo]

What did you say when she asked?

[Ewe]

I think it's a tough one, if you do mention it to her then I think you would need her assurance that she doesn't tell her friends.

I also think it depends on your DD specifically, is she a mature 13? Would she understand the context and situation? I think I would tell her but maybe not now, possibly wait until she is a little bit older.

[JaxTellersOldLady]

oxocube, it is lovely that you have a very good relationship with your daughter. I am not sure whether you should share this information or not re the abortion. Sorry, not much help, but it did make me think.

I talk to my DC about anything that they have questions about and answer them. Although have never been in this position before. I am pro choice, would share this with my DC, but wouldnt tell them if I had an abortion or not. I havent, but it isnt any of their business really.

This is a tricky one. Wheres the bloody manual when you need it?

Someone will be along soon with pearls of wisdom

[AndieWalsh]

agree with Cogitoergosum

[oxocube]

The boyfriends question I answered without hesitation. The drugs one, I managed to dodge several times until I admitted to 'being silly when I as younger but its definitely something I wouldn't do now or recommend'. Re the termination question, I think I said something like 'while I absolutely support any woman's right to choose, I don't think this is something you should be asking your mum'.

It probably didn't come out anywhere near as sensible as that though

[DuelingFanjo]

but when she asked if you had had one? What did you say?

because if you said no and are now thinking you should tell her then will she understand why you lied?

[oxocube]

Should possibly mention, as it my be relevant, that we live in Hollnd. The sex ed here is very explicit, abortion advice and information possibly more freely available at a younger age, drug education very high priority in schools.

I guess its the fact that in all honesty, although I don't believe my daughter would judge me, I know some of her friends' parents would, if they were to find out. They are perfectly entitled o their opinion. No big deal in as much as its not something I am ashamed of although it was a sad time in my life, but I would hate my daughter to be judged on my past behaviour.

Does that make sense?

[Cogitoergosum]

Sounds like a very sensible answer to me, except she's probably even more curious now that she was before

I'm pretty sure that if my 13yr old ever asks I will deny. For now, at least. Perhaps if she came home pregnant in a couple of years and wanted advice I might tell her then because she'd have a better understanding of the gravity of it.

On the drugs issue - I certainly did my fair share of dabbling when I was younger and me and dh have agreed to lie our backsides off to the kids I read somewhere a while back, that if you're very open to your kids about your own drug use (either past or present) and you have a normal, unchaotic life, then it can be like a green light for them to go ahead and give it a go themselves because what they see is you having done it unscathed, which may well not be the case for them. I have admitted to having smoked weed a couple of times many years ago, but I won't be admitting anything else until they are well and truly through adolescence, possibly not then either.

[DuelingFanjo]

oh sorry - just re-read and am guessing that was your answer to the question about if you had had one?

In that case I think I would wait until she is older to be honest. Maybe then you can be a bit more open about the circumstances etc?

[oxocube]

Thanks for the answers. Its a tough one.

[JaxTellersOldLady]

oxocube I think you have handled it well. Be evasive but dont lie, that way if you ever want to tell her you can. I agree with others, maybe when she is older, but not just now, incase it slips out and she is judged.

[oxocube]

DS (14) did a bit of weed-dabbling recently, as did lots of his mates. I hit the roof. I told him when he had graduated from school and had earned his own money, proved himself etc., then we could have a sensible conversation about drugs. Then I grounded him for two months, had him put on report at school etc etc

Should say, he didn't hate me for it. In a funny way, he seemed almost relieved

[Manda25]

I work with kids in care and use any questions like this as an opportunity to give a lecture in disguise ....even if i have to lie. (i also have my own 19 yr old son)

If a kid asked me if i had had an abortion i would properly ask why they were asking and what they thought of them ...(and then judge if they needed to hear that yes i have had one - just so i can continue the talk with them (even though i haven't had one) ... i have never avoided a question with my son either.

I know some people would argue that by telling a kid 'yes, i tried drugs' could encourage a kid to think that doing drugs was except able...but at least you can tell them the flip side too .... they appreciate the honesty

[Cogitoergosum]

The reason I have (and will again) lie to my teen about having dabbled is because I had a bloody good time! I never collapsed, or needed medical treatment, or lost a job, or got in trouble with the law.

BUT

I had friends who did, and sadly a few that didn't make it.

I don't mind telling her about their sad stories, but i don't want her knowing about my own lucky escape.

I don't like lying directly to her, but she is very direct with her questions and she makes it impossible to be evasive. I only managed evasive up until she was around 11yrs old.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

DD asked me this a couple of weeks ago (abortion) - I have always been open with her, I was talking about why I was pro choice (and was saying that if she got pregnant at a young age the best resort would be abortion) - however when she asked me outright whether I had had an abortion I lied and said no. God knows why.

She is 14 and I should have felt that she was old enough to know the truth, but for some reason I really didn't want to tell her. I am not ashamed of it, but I have never told anyone in RL that I had one. I just didn't want to tell her. I don't know whether thjat makes me a huge hypocrite or not.

[Manda25]

LOL - what ever question i am answering ...it is always the sad stories ....as i said ...a lecture in disguise

[Manda25]

Getorf....no it doesn't.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Luckily my DS is 5 so I haven't got to worry about this sort of thing yet. OP I think gently suggesting to her that it's a private matter is fair enough - 13 is still young enough to find the idea of one's mother terminating a pregnancy distressing (please note I am utterly pro-choice just aware of how volatile and not-entirely-rational some young teens can be about such things).

As to the drugs question I intend to tell my DS the truth - that I dabbled a very little, wasn't impressed, that it's risky to consume stuff that you have no way of identifying etc.

[muggglewump]

I don't have a teen yet, but I do have an abortion (at 23 weeks, controversial, I know) and I think about this as to what I will tell DD when the question is raised.
My instinct is to lie, to say I haven't had one.
The reason being that I don't know that she could, or would properly work through the reasons I did it as a teen (her, not me, I was 29), she's also an only and I wonder what she will make of that, knowing I purposely didn't have her sibling.

I just think it'll be too much for her to cope with at that age, though I do hope we one day have a relationship where I can tell her, as I do not regret my decision, nor am I ashamed of it.

I think it's one for when she's an adult with her own decision about children made.

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

I must be really immature, as I still rather wish my mum hadn't told me about the sibling I never had.

The fact she told me when I was holding days' old DS1 at the time probably didn't help, and I was mature enough not to show her how I felt (I think), but to me it's appropriate that there are some parts of your history you keep to yourself.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Agree that it is probably a conversation to have when she is an adult.

teenagers can be so reactionary, it is quite likely that 13, 14 is too young to understand that you mother aborted a potential sibling.

I don't think it is worth telling her. I may well do when she is older, but I don't know really.

Perhaps some things should remain private.