Has anyone out there not been hated by their teenagers?

[pandemonia]

This is just a cry from a very tired heart. Apparantly I am sick and disgusting and an object of hate and contempt for being angry that the 15 year old spent 24 hours + out this weekend (party/ sleepover/ football/ fA cup watching with friends/ time at girlfriends) and then informed me that he had no time to visit his grandmother today (lives a fair way off and thinks sun shines out of his backside) as he had to revise for GCSE exams next week. Informed me in no uncertain terms that he had planned his weekend and it was his choice and called me the above (audibly on mobile whilst complaining loudly about me to girlfriend).

Am I stupid to feel so hurt and crushed? Or to have tried to insist that he should come with me (he didn't) and to manage his time more reasonably? Or to suggest (and this is the "sick" part) that life isn't actually that much about choices (or usually only difficult ones).

[pagwatch]

Mine doesn't but I am not sure that is actually the answer you wanted.

Your teenager loves you but from what you have posted I think he does not have a great deal of respect for you.

Given all the abuse he spat at you tell me something - where does he get his money, who pays for his mobile, who feeds him, who cleans his clothes.

If any ofthose are you then I have to ask why you are letting him treat you so badly.

It really isn't OK. Whatever his age.

My DS1 would NEVER speak to me like that because I would not tolerate it.

He loves you but you are letting him get away with really shitty behaviour

[pandemonia]

Thanks for replying. Your answer has made me think quite a lot. I have in the past pointed out that I provide all of the above goods and services, but that doesn't actually seem to me to be a respect winner. In fact I remember quite clearly as a teenager really resenting having to be grateful for "everything that was done for me" I was grateful; but I really hated being told that I had to be!Visible parental distress had a similarly negative effect: I saw that as emotional blackmail.

So how do you "not tolerate" poor behaviour? Sanctions? Anger? Reasoned argument? I would seriously love to know which responses to use as mine all seem to be the wrong ones.

[Goblinchild]

What are the consequences for him of unacceptable behaviour?

[AnyFucker]

only consequences will work here

giving him stuff/doing stuff for him will not make him respect you...quite the opposite if you do it all without complaint when he shows such little thanks

familiarity can breed contempt, you see

I have a 14 yo DD, and I have to be bloody vigilant with a zero tolerance policy on disrespectful behaviour, and she is just a normal teenager

take something away

his phone, his freedom, his money...whatever combo will piss him off the most

stick to your threats and don't be bullied and wheedled out of your resolve

good luck...it will probably get worse befre it gets better

but it will get better if he realises you actually mean what you say

[sharbie]

OP same here most of the time so think its fairly normal behaviour.Is it supposed to get better when 16 - only 1 month to go .
I am currently doing 2 hours revision a day for GCSES (yes,me and I'm not the one taking them).

[Tortington]

just like to reassure you that there isn't a right answer.

i have done it all - won some and lost some.

[frogs]

You're letting him treat you like shit, though, in addition to him treating the house like a hotel.

I can see where you're coming from in wanting to avoid the guilt-trip you had as a child, but it doesn't have to be like that. He doesn't have to be grateful for the fact that you give him a roof over his head and food to eat, but he does have to behave like a civilised member of the family. He doesn't have to agree with the decisions you make, but does have to not treat you like shit on his shoe.

Presumably in addition to basic food and shelter, you're also paying for his clothes, his phone topups, his music downloads and any other damn thing he wants? All that other stuff is discretionary -- make him earn it by being nice.

Going out is also a privilege rather than a right, though it may be a bit harder for you to claw back power if he's got used to being able to stay out for an entire weekend without so much as a by your leave. But you're presumably in charge of his access to money, so make it work for you. For behaviour like that it's not unreasonable for you to cut the supply at source.

My 15yo has never actually spoken to me like that, so I'm not entirely sure how I'd react. The most we tend to get is a bit of huffing and eye-rolling, but she is very clear that the general niceness of her life (clothing allowance, phone credits, lifts to friends, music downloads, tickets to T on the Beach) is in large part dependent on not pissing off her parents. I think talking to us in that tone is a long way off her radar, but if it did happen I suspect she'd be grounded for a mightily long time with no new clothes other than school uniform. No broadband access, no phone topups etc etc.

Is your ds's dad on the scene? What does he think about it?

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[usualsuspect]

He sounds normal...sometimes they make you feel like shit,sometimes they make you burst with love and pride....pick your battles ,he will get better

[basildonbond]

it's all very well people saying "well I just wouldn't put up with it" (i.e. my mum) but the problem is if I keep taking stuff away (and I do) we just get into a really negative spiral

ds is 13 and veers from being lovely and sweet and affectionate and funny to being a snide, sneering little sod = often almost in the same breath

he's constantly having stuff taken away and it doesn't improve his attitude one jot - so where do you go when you've taken everything and he still goes "so???"

[AnyFucker]

you obviously have not yet found his weak spot

sounds awful, but you have to find that one thing that really hits the spot

with my DD, it is her laptop

she strops, then pretends she doesn't care, tells me she hates me, am worst mother bla-de-bla

she always caves though, when faced with no Facebook and MSN

[usualsuspect]

I wouldn't take any thing away ..doesn't work imo ..just breeds resentment

[AnyFucker]

US...what do you do, and is it generally successful ?

< always open to new ideas >

[usualsuspect]

I go for the more guilt trip approach if he thinks hes really let me down or upset me ..he generally apologises and we move on

[AnyFucker]

I do that too

I go for the multi-pronged approach

[bloss]

Message withdrawn

[Goblinchild]

You need stamina and patience. I'd be surprised if linking unacceptable behaviour to a clear negative consequence for weeks made no impression at all. It's when you try something for a day or two and give in that it fails to register.
Emotional blackmail doesn't work in an Aspie household, doesn't register.
Neither does yelling and shouting. Logic does.

[pagwatch]

OP you asked how I don't tolerate por behaviour. Lots of my answers would be other ones listed on here.
But I agree with custy thatthere is no right answer, amd also very much agree AnyFuckerthat sometimes the answer is more than one thing

The secret is that the consequnce has to be the one. It has to be the teenagers worst nightmare of a consequnce. And they have to know that you will do it.
For DS1 ( who actually hates dischord in the house and loathes being in trouble) it is his phone.
But you can'ttell a child ( for they still are children) to respect you or value you. And you can't resent the fact thatthey won't.
They ain'tthere yet often. DS1 is bright but he sometimes doesn't get the blazingly obvious.
For example. I would tell him until I wanted to weep with frustration that he needed to phone if he was heading home later than agreed time. Itold him it was because I would worry . I told him that it would lessen how I viewed his lateness. Nothing worked. I took away his phone for a week. He is like the speakingfricking clock now

But it varies with each child. And I would rather say 'sorry boy, you know the rules, hand over your phone' than have arguements and unspoken grievances.

I don't agree with you UsualSsuspect. I don't doubt that your strategy works with your DC but my DS1 has enough guilt about other stuff and I would rather take his stuff than manipulate his emotions.
Our children are all different. Taking DS's stuff away doesn't make him resentful. We agreed the sanctions - he knows the rules. If he doesn't want to lose his stuff he does what is expected of him so, if we take stuff away he usually just feel silly for havingfucked up and takes the hit.
There is no teenager manual . Sadly.

Goblin DS2 has very specific consequnces too !

[usualsuspect]

I don't view it as manipulating his emotions ..I view it as learning that your actions can cause distress and worry to other people ..he always rings if hes going to be late,has never said he hates me ...we argue sometimes but never hold grudges ..agreed theres no right or wrong way ..

[ilove]

I took my teenagers bedroom door off on Friday night at 11pm after yet another rule breach...and boy, has it worked!

[Bonsoir]

I think that withdrawing services (food, clothes washing, lifts etc) is a complete non-starter when it comes to trying to get teenagers to respect you. They don't care all that much about those things and certainly don't respect people who provide basic housework.

You need to think about the areas where you really add value to their lives, and work on helping them understand the massive difference it will make to their long term prospects if you didn't provide that stuff.

[usualsuspect]

Theres no way I would take my ds's door off..don't wanna look at that pigstye thanks

[ilove]

That's the point...it isn't a pigsty now!

[usualsuspect]

Well actually the state of ds's room is not really an issue for me...

[ilove]

No, it wasn't the main issue here...the main issue was the totally ignoring the main house rules, and nothing else had worked. It was threatened the last time we had a "discussion" and I don't threaten and then not carry it out...

My bloody hands are sore though and it was damn heavy!