Think my DD's boyfriend is controlling/abusive?

[Tanga]

DD is just 16. Her boyfriend is 18. Being very honest, DH and I didn't like him from the beginning - he wasn't respectful of our home and encouraged/made it difficult for her to follow our expectations. Maybe that sounds very stiff and victorian, but for example, the rule is that she doesn't text/phone people after 10.30pm - he would repeatedly text her after that time. Or if I asked her to end her call, she would apologise to him and explain...then he would call her back again and again.

I think things are escalating - she no longer goes out with friends (although he rarely bothers to take her out anywhere) he makes wild accusations about her with other boys - she went for an open evening at a local college and an old school friend (male) showed her group round. When she next saw her boyfriend he snapped the freebie pen she had been given, saying he 'hated' this particular boy.

He has now left college (after only one year) and is doing nothing except telling my DD that when she does homework/revises/does well at school she is doing it deliberately to make him look stupid; and undermining us - we have a 3 year old DS who DD is very close to - her boyfriend tells her she should be charging us for babysitting and that we are 'taking advantage' because she is expected to do chores etc round the house.

Maybe I am coming over as controlling or whatever - but I'm really a bit scared for her. Luckily she has had some excellent PHSE at school and that has given us a way in to talk about it - but she sometimes sounds like the threads on here when grown women are making excuses for their abusive men. I'm trying to listen to her and be supportive and am terrified of alienating her. Any helpful advice? HELP!

[Shodan]

Oh dear. That doesn't sound good.

I'm so sorry though- I have no advice for you but hopefully this'll bump it enough for someone wise to come and help.

[CharlotteYorkGoldenblatt]

Oh I really feel for you, he sounds like a nightmare! I think that next time the two of you are chatting, you should be very complimentary of all her good qualities (how clever she is at school, how lovely she is with her brother etc) and mention how its a shame that the BF is jealous of these things that make her so wonderful and is insecure in this relationship where she is clearly the alpha.
It's important that you make her realise what a wonderful daughter she is to you, and that you have tossed and turned over whether to say how you feel about her BF but that you eventually felt you had to say something about how he is clearly not good enough to have such a smart and good girl as his GF.
I don't think you're being controlling at all, if anything I think she needs the support of her mum at the moment. I remember having a horrid BF at 16 and not knowing what to do about him until my mum finally confessed she didnt like him and with her support I felt ready to break up with the loser!
Sorry for my ramblings... hope I've been of some use

[mrsdennisleary]

YES YES YES. Said with much feeling.

There is a fantastic book I think by Erin Pizzey called why charming men make dangerous lovers? The book outlines how men can use control in relationships and hwo this too often spills over into violence and other abuse.

If I had read this book many years earlier, I would have avoided some damaging relationships.

I don't know where you are but in some parts of the county Women's Aid is now providing training for young women about the dangers of controlling relationships. Perhaps one of their counsellors could give you some advice on how to deal with your DD . all best wishes

[TheProvincialLady]

I might be completely off the mark here, but have you a large-ish alpha male you can send round to tell him how he should be treating your DD (with unspoken implication being that if he doesn't, there will be further action taken)? He sounds just the sort of cowardly little turd who would go running.

Sorry if that is useless/inappropriate but I thought it was worth suggesting. I completely agree with those who are suggesting giving your DD literature about abusive partners. Poor her and poor you. That it starts so young

[striker]

This site is aimed at young people and has some good thought provoking pages.

www.thehideout.org.uk/over10/default.aspa

However maybe she would benefit from something a bit more grown up -like here for instance? There are many many abusive relationship stories on this site and maybe by reading through some she will recognise herself.
But she really must be the one to initiate a change no matter how much you long for her to do so.
My niece was 32 and divorced (from a non abusive -simply deadly dull man)when she found herself in an abusive relationship. She insisted that she was happy even though her mother and sister hated her partner. It wasnt until the scales fell from her eyes that she confessed how unhappy she was and they supported her when she threw him out.
All you can do for now is to continue to show how much you love her and support her until she can break away.

[Tanga]

Thank you everyone - hadn't thought of Women's Aid and am a bit worried she will see me ringing them as madly over-the-top interfering, but I could ask them for advice - have talked to her about posting here or the website mentioned, and although she has been fairly open with me, she says she knows there are problems with the relationship but she's 'not ready to throw it away yet'.

However, a friend of mine gave her a lift the other day and I tipped her (friend) the wink and they had a chat about it. I think DD is quite surprised that someone not connected with the situation says it is worrying. She knows I don't like him and says her friends 'don't understand'.

She says she is going to phone him tonight to talk about the incidents that upset her. So I can only wait and see.